-[[ The door to Michael Shane's dressing room opens up.. Michael Shane and Traci Brooks both turn to see who is invading their privacy.. They are both surprised to come face to face with the new SGW Television champion, Chavo Guerrero.. He has the Television championship in his hand... Michael Shane doesn't know how to take this visit.. ]]-

[ Michael Shane ] What do you want?

-[[ Chavo puts his free-hand up in mock fear.. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] Easy, pal.. I come in peace..

-[[ Michael Shane seems to relax a bit.. ]]-

[ Michael Shane ] Congratulations on your win tonight..

-[[ Chavo nods, looking at the belt. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] Same to you.. And actually, that's what I came here to talk to you about..

-[[ Michael Shane becomes interested.. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] I've been watching you for a while, man.. You're good.. But I've seen the way Jarrett and his lackeys have treated you! Exactly like how Shane McMahon used to treat me... Like I was some kind of push over..

-[[ Shane nods. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] I proved tonight.. And you proved tonight.. That we're not pushovers! But the different between me and you, man... Is tonight was a one time thing..... I had to put Randy Orton in his place.. And I did.....

-[[ Chavo Guerrero lifts the championship belt up and looks at it.. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] Grand slam champion.. That's me.. But I have to forfeit this belt, ya' know..

-[[ Michael Shane doesn't seem to understand.. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] And I can't think of anyone I'd rather leave it with... Than you.

[ Pepe ] .. ..... . ...

[ Chavo Guerrero ] And Pepe couldn't think of anyone either!

-[[ He hands the belt to Michael Shane.. Shane looks it over, smiling now.. ]]-

[ Michael Shane ] Thank you, Chavo.. It really means a lot.

-[[ Chavo smiles back.. ]]-

[ Chavo Guerrero ] Thank me in the ring, pal..

-[[ They shake hands.. Chavo Guerrero leaves the room.. And Solid Gold Wrestling.. With a big smile on his face.. And for the second time tonight, we have a new SGW Television champion in Michael Shane.. ]]-
 

-[[ Booker T. and Rhino begin brawling to start as Gene Snitsky watches with wide eyes.. Rhino brawls Booker T. into corner before pelting with stiff lefts and rights.. Booker T. knee lifts Rhino out of the corner and whips him into the ropes... Booker T. nails him with a standing side kick and Rhino hits the mat.. Booker T. drops an elbow on him and covers him.. But Snitsky doesn't count!! Booker T. doesn't know what's going on so he pulls Rhino back up.. He whips Rhino into the ropes...... Kick to the gut!! Booker T. bounces off the ropes and NAILS HIM with the HARLEM AXE KICK!! Booker T. drops to one knee... He's going for it....... THE SPINAROONIE!! SPINAROONIE!! SPINAROONIE!! Booker T. stands up and walks right into a BIG BOOT FROM GENE SNITSKY!! Snitsky tosses Booker T. out of the ring.. Booker T. stands up, waving his hands, and walks to the back with Sharmell.. Snitsky laughs and lifts Rhino up off of the mat..... PUMP HANDLE SLAM ON RHINO!! Snitsky covers Rhino himself and makes sure to hook the leg.... He slaps his own hand on the mat!! ONE!! TWO!! THREE!!! Gene Snitsky just pinned Rhino!! Snitsky stands up and begins unlacing boot... "RHIIIIINOOOOOOO........ YOU... LOOOOOOOSE!!" Snitsky yells and he pulls the boot off...... And reveals his disgusting foot!! You can practically see the odor and filth oozing off of it..... AND HE STICKS IT IN RHINO'S MOUTH!! "KISSY... KISSY.. RHINNOOOOO!!!" Rhino has no idea this is happening!! Gene Snitsky pulls his foot out of Rhino's mouth and begins stomping around and celebrating as the fans boo.. Rhino begins to come to.. And the taste hits him.. And he immediately begins vomiting all over the ring!! Rhino rolls out of the ring, vomiting all over the floor.. My God, there's some lines you don't cross in wrestling.. And this, tonight, was one of them!! Gene Snitsky is one of the most sadistic men in the business!! ]]-
 

-[[ Edge is fuming mad.. He stares Melina right in the face, looking like he's ready to knock her on her ass at any moment.. He clutches the SGW Gimmick Championship in his hand..... He spits as he yells at her.. ]]-

[ Edge ] The Gimmick Championship!? THE GIMMICK CHAMPIONSHIP!?!

-[[ She doesn't know how to reply.. ]]-

[ Edge ] This... IS A GOD DAMN... JOKE!!!!

-[[ He breathes heavily right in her face.. ]]-

[ Edge ] I nearly DIED out there trying to put Val Venis away.. FOR GOOD... Both of the Harris Brothers.. Left this arena in an ambulance... And what do I have to show for it!? THIS... BELT.. THAT WAS MADE..... FOR JOBBERS!!

-[[ She, now, begins to look terrified.. ]]-

[ Edge ] I AM NOT A JOBBER, MELINA... I.. AM.. THE MAIN EVENT..

-[[ He advances on her... ]]-

[ Edge ] And now that Christian is gone.. There is NO ONE.. NO ONE.. NO ONE!! NO ONE!! NO ONE!! THAT CAN DISPUTE THAT!! I am in a league.. Of my own.... This belt is going.. Right where it belongs...

-[[ He looks over and standing next to the wall is a garbage can... Without a moment's hesitation, he throws it inside.. He looks back at Melina.. A sick smile creeps across his face.. ]]-

[ Melina ] We just... Thought it was funny..

-[[ The smile disappears. ]]-

[ Edge ] Funny is the thought that Val Venis had a chance tonight.. And funny.. Is what your face will look like after I'm done with it if I ever hear my name mentioned in the same sentence as that championship EVER again..

-[[ He pushes past her and walks away down the hall.. She waits until he's gone and walks over to the garbage can.. She reaches for the belt, but a black gloved hand reaches it first..... She backs up, terrified again... It's a DRUID... It looks at her and clutches the championship close to its chest.... ]]-

[ Melina ] Who... Who ARE YOU!?

-[[ Off-camera, it removes its hood.. ]]-

[ Melina ] Oh my God........ YOU!?

-[[ Another druid comes from behind and cups her mouth.. Dragging her into the shadows. ]]-
 

-[[ Amy Love stands alone tonight as Scarlett Rose has been taken to the hospital after her altercation with the Undertaker earlier tonight.. Joanie laughs at the size difference, but Amy Love doesn't flinch.. She nails Joanie with a big right hand and whips her into the ropes..... Clothesline!! Joanie gets right back up... KICK WHAM DOUBLE DOLCE DDT!! She covers Joanie!! One! Two!! Thr-- Sean Waltman pulled Amy out of the ring... Amy begins kicking and punching at Waltman, giving him everything she's got!! Waltman shoves her back but she keeps coming.. Joanie rolls out of the ring and grabs Amy by the hair... She throws Amy into the guard rail... Joanie goes for a big wind-up punch, but Amy ducks it and ends up behind Joanie.. And German suplexes her INTO the apron!! Sean Waltman runs over and Amy ducks a spin kick from him.. He turns around..... KICK WHAM DOUBLE DOLCE DDT!! She lifts up Waltman and tosses him in the ring.. She throws Joanie in the ring.. Joanie is staggering around like an idiot..... KICK..... PILEDRIVER!!!! Joanie could be DEAD!! Amy covers both of them with one finger on each chest.... One!! Two!! Three!! For God's sake, Amy Love has just dominated two people at once!! ]]-
 

-[[ Candice Michelle dances seductively in front of Vince Russo.. He sits in a chair with an icepack on his head.. He's swollen in various places after the beating he received from Michael Shane and swollen in a certain other place because of the special treatment he's about to receive as a reward for the ass kicking he got.. Vince Russo's eyes are glued to her body as she does the Go-Daddy dance in his dressing room... ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] Yeah, bay-bee... Keep dancin'... Just keep on... Twirl again..

-[[ As she turns her back to him.. He directs traffic. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] Lift ya' skirt up.. Show me ya' ass a little bit..

-[[ She does as he says, showing him her panties... He giggles like a little girl.. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] Alright... That's enough.

-[[ He unzips his pants and whips out his johnson. ]]-

-[[ Welcome to pay-per-view, bitches. ]]-

-[[ She looks at him.. And then down at his crotch.. Her eyes go wide.. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] Get over here and suck this dick.

-[[ Another voice pipes in front a chair in the corner. ]]-

[ Sylvan Grenier ] No more hez-ee-tay-shun, Can-dees!! Pleasure the man!!

-[[ Sylvan giggles now.. ]]-

[ Sylvan Grenier ] Before I have to!

-[[ Russo's face goes pale. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] I said no touchin', you fuckin' French piece of shit!!

-[[ Candice kneels down in front of Russo... Takes a deep breath.... And inserts his penis into her mouth, right on camera.. It's barely in there for two seconds before Russo groans.. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] Aiight... I'm done..

-[[ She spits in the floor.. Gagging. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] What's the matta', bitch? Don't tell me ya' neva' sucked a dick before!!

-[[ She gags again, almost vomiting. ]]-

[ Candice Michelle ] It tastes like a street bum's beard!!

[ Vince Russo ] Whatever.. Get the fuck out o'here.. Ya' damaged goods!!

-[[ Candice and Sylvan leave the room.. And as they exit.. Three DRUIDS enter the room.. Russo looks them all three up and down, not even bothering to put his piece back in his pants... The druids don't make an immediate move. ]]-

[ Vince Russo ] Fuck.

-[[ They advance on him. ]]-
 

-[[ Ken Kennedy, Cactus Jack, and Muhammad Hassan all stand inside of the domed cage.. The Undertaker and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin are both still being attended to in the back and may not be able to compete in the match... The bell rings and the three men circle each other.. Neither one wants to make the first move because in this structure, any one move can be your last.. Weapons are hanging all over the place.. Finally, Cactus Jack makes a move!! He bull charges at Ken Kennedy!! Kennedy is waiting on him and the two clash, throwing wild punches at each other's heads.. Muhammad Hassan nails Cactus from behind and whips him around.. He kicks him in the gut and plants him with a DDT!! Hassan stands up and Ken Kennedy grabs him from behind and nails him with a back drop!! Ken Kennedy sees something he wants.. He climbs out of the ring and rips a kendo stick off of the side of the cage!! He rolls back inside and begins nailing Muhammad Hassan repeatedly with it!! Cactus Jack stands up and runs at Kennedy... And Kennedy NAILS HIM with it like his head is a baseball!! Cactus goes down flat on his back and Kennedy drops down and drives the stick into his throat!! Muhammad Hassan rolls out of the ring and rips a chair from the cage.. He rolls back in and Ken Kennedy turns around.. And gets NAILED with a sickening chair shot!! Muhammad Hassan covers him!! One!! Two!! Three!! Referee Scott James begins counting!! One!! Two!! Ken Kennedy isn't moving!! Three!! FOUR!! Ken Kennedy begins to stir... FIVE!! SIX!! He pulls himself to all fours... SEVEN... EIGHT... Kennedy is up and the count stops.. And Hassan goes to hit him again, but Kennedy blocks the shot, takes the chair...... He spins around and wraps it around Cactus Jack's head!! And then he turns, yelling, and wraps it around Hassan's head!! Both men crumble to the mat and Hassan covers Cactus Jack.. One!! Two!! Three!! And then he rolls over and covers Hassan.. One!! Two!! Three!! Charles Robinson and Nick Patrick each begin counting down Hassan and Cactus.. ONE!! TWO!! Neither man is showing any sign of life... THREE... FOUR.. Cactus rolls over and starts to get up.. FIVE... SIX... Muhammad Hassan is pulling himself up.. SEVEN... EIGHT... Hassan is on his feet... Cactus Jack stands up just in time to get clotheslined over the top rope by Kennedy!! Kennedy turns around and walks right into a flatliner from Hassan!! Hassan gets up and locks Kennedy in CAMEL CLUTCH!! Submissions mean nothing in this match!! He's ripping back on Kennedy's head!! And then...... THE GLASS SHATTERS!! "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN IS GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE THUNDERDOME!! Steve Austin charges down in his street clothes with a bandage on his head!! Outside referee, Jimmy Cordaris, opens the cage door for him and Steve Austin rolls inside!! Hassan releases the camel clutch to go after Austin and he walks right into the...... STUNNER!! Austin covers him!! ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! Cactus Jack rolls in the ring with a barb wire two by four and Austin stops him with a kick.. WHAM STUNNER!! He covers Cactus Jack!! ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! Ken Kennedy stumbles back to his feet and looks at Austin..... MIDDLE FINGERS....... KICK WHAM STUNNER!! He pins him!! ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! Muhammad Hassan is already pulling himself to his feet and Steve Austin sends him flying over the top rope with a clothesline!! Austin follows him out and begins ramming him into the steel cage repeatedly!! Hassan is spraying blood all over the place!! Kennedy and Cactus both make it to their feet before ten... And Cactus Jack begins beating on Kennedy.. But wait.. The fans begin booing loudly.... THE BIG SHOW IS COMING DOWN!! He walks slowly to the ring and he bullies Jimmy Cordaris into opening the cage door!! THE BIG SHOW IS ENTERING THE CAGE!! He ignores Hassan and Austin and rolls inside the ring.. He yanks Cactus Jack off of Kennedy and lifts him up....... CHOKE SLAM!! Then he rolls out of the ring and he finds... Oh my God.. WHY WAS THIS PUT IN THE CAGE!?! It's a table.. Wrapped in barb wire!! Big Show throws it in the ring and Kennedy begins setting it up.. And the Big Show has found something else.. LIGHTER FLUID.. MATCHES!! Big Show rolls back in the ring and he soaks the table down... AND LIGHTS IT UP!! He lifts up Cactus Jack and puts him on Kennedy's shoulders.. He then uses his brute strength and lifts them BOTH UP onto the ropes.. Big Show backs up to them.. And Kennedy.. Oh my God.. THE BALANCE.. KENNEDY STANDS ON BIG SHOW'S SHOULDERS!! GREEN BAY PLUNGE THROUGH THE FLAMING BARBWIRE TABLE!!! "HOLY SHIT" chants erupt!! Kennedy covers Cactus Jack... ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! Kennedy looks like that took everything out of him.. Nick Patrick begins counting.. One!! Two!! Cactus isn't moving... Three!! Four!! Cactus is still completely motionless... FIVE... SIX... No movement at all.. SEVEN.. EIGHT... Cactus begins to stir... NINE... He pushes himself up....... And slumps back to the mat.. TEN!! Cactus Jack has been eliminated!! ]]-

[ Eliminated: Cactus Jack ]

-[[ Hassan and Austin still brawl on the outside with Austin getting the better of him.. Hassan is bleeding profusely and Austin has even managed to somehow open the wound on his own forehead back up.. Both men are wearing crimson masks!! Austin flings Hassan back into the ring and follows him inside, but as soon as he stands.. The Big Show grabs him by the throat........ CHOKE SLAM!! But Big Show doesn't let go.. He lifts Austin up a second time......... ANOTHER CHOKE SLAM!! Ken Kennedy scrambles over and covers him..... One!! Two!! Three!! Kennedy rolls off of him and the referee begins counting.. One!! Two!! Three!! Four!! Austin isn't going anywhere... Five.. Six.. He looks like he might be moving.. Seven.. He pushes himself up a bit.. Eight.. Nine.. He falls back down... And ten!! "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is finished... ]]-

[ Eliminated: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin ]

-[[ EMTs wait outside for the eliminations.. Steve Austin and Cactus Jack are both helped to the back.. Muhammad Hassan and Ken Kennedy are the last two men in the match at the moment, not counting the Big Show, who has inserted himself into the match it seems... The Big Show smiles, approaching Hassan.. He knows he's about to hand Ken Kennedy his first singles championship in Solid Gold Wrestling.. Hassan looks on in fear...... AND A HAND REACHES UP FROM THE RING MAT... It grips Big Show's ankle.. He looks down, his eyes wide.. The hole becomes bigger....... AND THE UNDERTAKER IS HERE!! THE UNDERTAKER IS PULLING THE BIG SHOW UNDERNEATH THE RING!! The Undertaker pulls him down and both men disappear beneath the ring.. Ken Kennedy looks terrified.. And seconds later.. The Undertaker rises from the hole in the ring and the Big Show is nowhere to be found!! The Undertaker looks both men up and down, shakes his head, and Ken Kennedy charges at him.. BIG BOOT ON KENNEDY!! Hassan runs at him now.. He catches him...... CHOKE SLAM ON HASSAN!! Taker picks up Hassan and flings him over the top rope.. He goes after Kennedy and throws him outside the ring now.. He lifts Kennedy up.. And lawn darts him into the side of the cage!! Kennedy is bleeding!! CRACK! A chair nails Undertaker in the back... He goes down to one knee.. Hassan raises the chair again and brings it down on the Undertaker's head!! Ken Kennedy grabs a chair of his own and nails Undertaker with it!! Both men are bludgeoning the Undertaker with chairs!! The Undertaker is using the cage to pull himself up, but neither man is willing to let up on him.. Undertaker punches Kennedy in the face and uses his arm to deflect another shot from Hassan... He boots Hassan in the chest, sending him backward against the cage!! And wait.. NO!! NO!! NOT THIS!! HERE COMES SABU AND DAIVARI!! Once again, Jimmy Cordaris is strong-armed into opening the cage!! Sabu runs inside and FLIPS OVER THE TOP ROPE ONTO THE UNDERTAKER!! Daivari runs around the other side and begins kicking away at the Undertaker's head!! Ken Kennedy grabs Sabu and throws him out of the way, but Sabu isn't having any of that!! He grabs Kennedy and throws him into the cage!! Sabu yanks the Undertaker up and throws him inside the ring...... Daivari follows them inside and the Undertaker begins fighting back.... KICK.. CHOKE SLAM ON SABU!! He turns and grabs Daivari...... Oh my God, that look is in his eyes..... HE CHOKE SLAMS DAIVARI THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE RING!! Daivari totally disappears from sight!! And a chair wraps around the Undertaker's head!! Taker is bleeding now.. And another chair hits him!! Hassan and Kennedy are playing dueling chairs with Undertaker's HEAD!! They then pull back..... CON-CHAIR-TO on the UNDERTAKER!! Taker goes down and both men cover him..... ONE!! TWO!! THREE!! They both sit and wait as the referee counts... One........ Two.......... Three............ No movement....... FOUR... FIVE... SIX... He's still not moving....... SEVEN... EIGHT........ DEAD MAN SIT-UP!! Both men lift their chairs and bring them down hard on Undertaker's face!! Taker goes back down.. Another double pin.. One!! Two!! Three!! And now the referee starts his count over.. One..... Two..... Three... No movement.. Four.. Five.. He doesn't even appear to be breathing... Six.. Seven... Eight..... He begins to sit-up..... Nine... He falls back down... TEN!! The Undertaker has been eliminated!! ]]-

[ Eliminated: The Undertaker ]

-[[ Kennedy and Hassan are both covered in blood.. They wait for the Undertaker to get taken out of the ring... And then they stare each other down.. Hassan smiles... Kennedy slaps him.. But the smile doesn't leave Hassan's face....... And Hassan motions for Kennedy to turn around.. And he does.. Just in time to get blasted in the face by a giant fire ball from SABU!!! Kennedy turns around... And gets nailed right in the head with a chair!! He goes down, motionless.. And Hassan covers him.. One! Two! Three! And Nick Patrick begins the count... One... Two.. No movement.. Three.. Four.. Five... He begins to stir, but not much.. Six... Seven.. Eight.. Kennedy stops moving... Nine... He.. Is... Out... TEN... Muhammad Hassan has won the United States Championship in the THUNDERDOME.. And by God, he has gone through HELL to do it!! As Hassan is presented with the championship, he begins openly weeping, clutching the belt hard to his chest... Streamers and fireworks rain from the ceiling and from the Thunderdome itself.. Hassan has just made history!! ]]-
 

-[[ Oh, what a gala night! ]]-

-[[ Once the Thunderdome of DOOM~! has been raised and the debris has been cleared from the ring, a ring crew quickly disassembles the ring and replaces it  with a fine, black carpet, on which they begin placing chairs and round, white tables. The fans boo loudly as they realize it is time for the "real" main event for the evening. A red carpet is rolled down the ramp, stopping just at the edge of the black carpet.. The boos become increasingly louder as "Fame" by David Bowie begins playing over the speakers. The paparazzi rush down the ramp, already taking pictures before the first person has entered... And then they DO appear.. Dressed as if this were the Oscars, celebrities begin parading down the ramp.. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Jennifer Garner and her baby, Nick Lachey, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Renee Zellweger, Billy Zane, Adam Sandler in a neckbrace, Rob Schneider, Keanu Reeves, Eminem, Paul Walker, Steven Spielberg, Ralph Macchio, Kirsten Dunst, and hey look, George Clooney made it after all!! Why, yes, simply anyone who is anyone is here tonight! Many more celebrities, too many to name, follow and they are all promptly together around the tables by crew members that are dressed as ushers.. Once they have all been seated, "Fame" cuts and is replaced by the familiar guitar riffs of "My World." The fans begin booing EVEN louder.. Gary Michael Cappetta is forced to introduce the man for the second time in one night.. ]]-

[ Gary Michael Cappetta ] Ladies and gentlemen.. It is now time.. For the maaaaaaaaaaaain EVENT!!

-[[ The boos nearly make him fall over.. He clears his throat and continues. ]]-

[ Gary Michael Cappetta ] Now entering... He IS your host for the evening's festivities! He IS the owner and Solid Gold Wrestling...... WOOOORLD.. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!! Being accompanied tonight by Gene Snitsky and Trish Stratus.. He IS the Six-String Samurai AND the future winner of the Oscars for best director and best screenplay.. THIS.. ISSSS...... JEFFFFFFFFFFF......... JAAAAAAAAAARETT!!!!!!!!

-[[ Jeff Jarrett walks out from the back wearing an expensive looking suit.. He has Trish on one arm and Gene Snitsky looms behind them, looking as intimidating  as a man in a sleeveless tuxedo can look.. Jarrett looks around nervously.. This night obviously has not turned out as he intended.. There's no joy in his eyes at all over the occasion.. The celebrities, however, all stand and give Jarrett a rousing ovation.. He seems too busy looking out for the Apokolips to notice.. Once the trio reaches the seating area, Gary Michael Cappetta speaks.. ]]-

[ Gary Michael Cappetta ] And now.. Before we proceed any further.. Mister Jarrett will now address his friends and YOU.. HIS FANS!!

-[[ Huge chorus of boos.. Jarrett takes the microphone nervously.. His hand is shaking as he raises it.. ]]-

[ Jeff Jarrett ] Has anyone... Ah... Seen Russo or Melina? ...I talked to'em earlier.. But.. Uh.. They were supposed to be here.. For the main event... And they're not... And I was just.. Ah.. Wonderin'...

-[[ The celebrities look confused, having no idea why Jarrett is acting so weird.. Trish elbows him in the side and he almost falls over.. He catches himself and cracks a nervous smile.. He continues. ]]-

 [ Jeff Jarrett ] Nevermind that, I guess.. Heh.. That ain't what's important right now, right? What's important right now is the fact that in just a few minutes.. We're gonna be airin' for the first time in history, a real bonafide main event.. A o'course.. I'm talking about the world premiere of the trailer for my new movie.. And before we go any further.. Let's hear what some o'my movie star friends have gotta say..

-[[ Jarrett places the microphone on the table closest to him without paying to the who was seated there.. He still too preoccupied with what happened earlier tonight.. Someone.. Grabs the microphone. ]]-

[ Quentin Tarantino ] I gotta say, Nashville.. Ya' really outdone ya'self this time.. I've known Jeff for years.. Fuckin' years, man, and I visited the set of this movie and I gotta give the devil his due.. Nobody makes a movie about dick.. Like THIS guy makes a movie about DICK!!

-[[ He cackles and Ben Affleck walks over, looking pissed off.. He yanks the microphone out of Quentin's hands. ]]-

[ Ben Affleck ] First of all, Tarantino.. This movie has NOTHING to do with DICK!! ..'Cept of course my full frontal nudity scene.. But that was done in damned good taste!! And second.. You weren't even on the set for more than thirty seconds before we ejected your ass!!

-[[ Affleck motions for the security guards.. ]]-

[ Ben Affleck ] Just like we're doing right now!!

-[[ Matt Damon pulls Affleck's microphone close to his own mouth.. ]]-

[ Matt Damon ] Yeah!! Tell'im, Ben!!

-[[ As security wrestles Tarantino back up the ramp, he shrieks. ]]-

[ Quentin Tarantino ] You're all dead and you don't even know it!!

-[[ Affleck sighs and speaks.. ]]-

[ Ben Affleck ] With that out of the way.. Let me be the first to say.. Thank you, Jeff.. Not just for everything you've done for wrestling.. But what this film will do for Hollywood..

-[[ Matt Damon nods and leans in. ]]-

[ Matt Damon ] What he said.

-[[ David Hasselhoff stands up and takes the microphone.. ]]-

[ David Hasselhoff ] Jeff, a question.. After your stellar performance tonight.. Do you plan on making a comeback in the music industry?

[ Jeff Jarrett ] Tonight was my retirement from my singin' career.. These days, it's more fun to make people sing the blues than to sing'em myself..

-[[ Hasselhoff breathes a sigh of relief. ]-

[ David Hasselhoff ] That's good to hear! Because I enjoy my spot on the top!

-[[ Jeers from the celebrities now. ]]-

[ John McEnroe ] You're music is the pits of the world, Hasselhoff!!

[ Rob Schneider ] Kick his ass, Jeff!! YOU CAN DO IT!!

-[[ Hasselhoff turns around and screams.. ]]-

[ David Hasselhoff ] Screw all of you!! I'm big in Germany!! BIG!!

[ James Franco ] How big!?

[ David Hasselhoff ] Bigger than Val Venis' dick!!

[ Jennifer Garner ] So is my baby's pinky!!

[ Stephen Dorff ] Yeah!! Shut up, Has-been-hoff!!

[ David Hasselhoff ] Why are you people so god damn mean to me!? I was on Baywatch!!

-[[ Tears stream down his face and he slumps down in his seat. ]]-

[ Kevin Spacey ] You're my inspiration, Jeff!!

[ Tom Hanks ] You're all our inspirations, Jeff!!

-[[ Rip Torn stands up, slurring his speech with a glass of scotch in his hand.. ]]-

[ Rip Torn ] Well, god damn!! Let's give the cocksucking a rest.. And watch his fucking movie trailer!!

-[[ The celebrities roar in approval while the fans boo so loud it almost drowns them out.. Jarrett takes the mic. ]]-

[ Jeff Jarrett ] Thank all ya'll for your support.. And now, without any further introduction...

-[[ Jarrett forces a smile. ]]-

[ Jeff Jarrett ] YOUR main event.

-[[ Massive heel heat. ]]-

[ Jeff Jarrett ] Choke on it!!

-[[ The lights go out and the Golden-Tron flashes to life.. White text scrolls across the a black screen. ]]-

SIX-STRING CINEMA... IN ASSOCIATION WITH MIRAMAX

-[[ The black screen is quickly replaced by footage of an empty arena.. Dramatic music is playing lightly in the background.. A wrestling ring is in the center of the arena.. ]]-

[ Narrator ] In a world where heroes no longer existed.. And morals were a thing of the past..

-[[ Pan over to reveal a man looking down at the ring from the stands.. ]]-

[ Narrator ] One man dared to be different.. One man DARED to put a dying business.. A dying way of life..

-[[ Dramatic pause. ]]-

[ Narrator ] BACK... ON... THE MAP..

-[[ Cue a shot of Rip Torn laying in bed, looking near death.. He speaks to a person off-screen. ]]-

[ Rip Torn | Jerry Jarrett ] Son.. I may not live to see it.. But I know you're gonna be... The best god damn wrestler... That ever lived...

-[[ Haley Joel Osment, kneeling next to the bed, nods.. ]]-

[ Haley Joel Osment | Young Jeff Jarrett ] I will, father..

[ Narrator ] But the path of the great does have obstacles... Which must be overcome..

-[[ James Franco jams his finger into the bearded face of Kevin Spacey.. ]]-

[ James Franco | Jeff Jarrett ] I don't care what you say, Anderson.. I'm going to be YOUR world champion!! And if you don't like it.. Then you can damn sure... CHOKE ON IT!!

[ Narrator ] And on this path.. For every friend you meet...

-[[ A bearded Ben Affleck approaches James Franco in a restaurant.. ]]-

[ Ben Affleck | Vince Russo ] You're da' fewtcha', kid..

[ Narrator ] You find just as many.. Enemies..

-[[ Stephen Dorff with stringy, black hair gets in James Franco's face.. ]]-

[ Stephen Dorff | Chris Kanyon ] You want to move up in SGDubya'? It's not happening.. Because nobody... NOBODY.. IS BETTER... THAN KANYON!! ...Nobody..

-[[ James Franco is blasted from behind by Adam Sandler in a trench coat.. ]]-

[ Adam Sandler | The Undertaker ] What do you want on your tombstone, MOTHER FU--

-[[ The inevitable f-bomb is drowned out by "Be Yourself" by Audioslave and as it hits, James Franco is on the ground with tears in his eyes as Renee Zellweger caresses his face.. ]]-

[ James Franco | Jeff Jarrett ] I can't.. Help it... That I'm the best this business has ever seen... But I'll show them... I'll show them all.. That I really am.. The Chosen One.... I swear to God and my father... I will..

-[[ A jump cut to Franco raising the SGW World Heavyweight Championship belt over his head.. ]]-

[ James Franco | Jeff Jarrett ] I've reached the top of the mountain.. And I'm never coming down..

[ Narrator ] This is a story of the highs...

-[[ Franco is doused with champagne as he holds the championship high in the air.. ]]-

[ Narrator ] And the lows..

-[[ Sylvester Stallone flexes his muscles in a "Doors" t-shirt with the same championship belt, now around his waist. ]]-

[ Sylvester Stallone | Raven ] Quote the Raven, neva'more!! HUUUUH!!!

[ Narrator ] The life......

-[[ Haley Joel Osment weeps at the bedside of a "dead" Rip Torn.. ]]-

[ Haley Joel Osment | Young Jeff Jarrett ] I will make you proud, father..

[ Narrator ] The love.....

-[[ James Franco and Renee Zellweger look into each other's eyes.. ]]-

[ Renee Zellweger | Trish Stratus ] You had me... From "listen up, slapnuts."

-[[ They begin to make out feverishly in the rain.. ]]-

[ Narrator ] And..... The legend..

-[[ Burt Reynolds is interviewed by Danny Devito... ]]-

[ Danny Devito | Mark Madden ] Jeff.. When you're gone.. Who do you think will take your spot?

-[[ Reynolds laughs and hoists the SGW World Championship onto his shoulder... ]]-

[ Burt Reynolds | Future Jeff Jarrett ] When I'm gone? I'm not going ANYWHERE, Mark...

[ Narrator ] This summer... Dreams... Are realized..

[ Burt Reynolds | Future Jeff Jarrett ] Don't you know? I'm gonna live forever.

-[[ Black screen, white text. ]]-

CHOSEN ONE:
THE LEGEND OF JEFF JARRETT

-[[ Fade out. ]]-

-[[ The lights come back up.. The fans are chanting "BORING" so loudly that they completely drown out the standing ovation from the celebrities.. And then lights go out again..... A woman screams.. And when the light comes back on.. Druids are EVERYWHERE... Jarrett looks terrified and he pushes Trish behind him, trying to protect her.. A large druid begins approaching Jarrett, getting right up in his face........ And he throws back his hood... ]]-

-[[ TYSON TOMKO!!?! ]]-

-[[ And then.. Trish... Low blows... Jeff Jarrett.. ]]-

-[[ Tomko boots Jarrett in the face!! Celebrities begin scattering in every direction and Gene Snitsky charges over to Jennifer Garner!! He grabs her baby.. To protect it!? NO!! HE PUNTS IT INTO THE CROWD as she screams in terror!! Snitsky turns around and is mobbed by Druids!! They beat him down and another troop of druids drag Jeff Jarrett up the ramp with Trish Stratus directing traffic!! What the hell is going on!? Tomko begins ripping the grating up on the stage!! And when he's finished, there's a gigantic hole in the stage that leads directly to the boiler room, at least twenty feet below!! The arena is in complete pandemonium as security is trying to protect the celebrities, but the druids are taking them out one by one....... Tyson Tomko lifts Jeff Jarrett up and holds him up for Trish to look him right in the face.. Jarrett can't believe it.... ]]-

[ Trish Stratus ] You're not even worth last words, Jeff..

-[[ She looks at Tomko.. ]]-

[ Trish Stratus ] Do it, Tomko.

-[[ KICK.. WHAM..... POWER BOMB STRAIGHT TO THE BOILER ROOM!! There's a sound of meat hitting the ground... And when the camera gets positioned over the hole, the broken body of Jeff Jarrett is all that is visible.. Blood pools from a wound on his head.... And then a Druid walks over and kneels next to his body with something in his hand.. As you look closer.. You see that it's a championship belt.. It's the druid that stole the Gimmick Championship belt earlier tonight..... And then he throws back his hood........ ]]-

-[[ CHRISTIAN!! ]]-

-[[ Christian has a smug look on his face.. He throws off the robe, revealing his wrestling gear underneath.. ]]-

[ Christian ] I think I'll be cashing in that tournament win now, buddy..

-[[ Christian cups his ear. ]]-

[ Christian ] What's that? I don't hear you denying my request AGAIN..

-[[ He laughs. ]]-

[ Christian ] That must mean.. You're all for it...

-[[ He puts the belt in plain view. ]]-

[ Christian ] And while we're at it.. Let's make the match.. Title for title..

-[[ He laughs.. And then stops to think. ]]-

[ Christian ] But, oh wait, Jeff... That means there has to be a stipulation.. Since this IS the Gimmick Championship and all... Let me think.. How about..... FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE.... With Trish Stratus as the special guest referee?

-[[ He cups his ear again.. ]]-

[ Christian ] What's that? No complaints? That's what I thought.....

-[[ And the match begins.. ]]-
 

-[[ Christian covers Jeff Jarrett and Trish kneels next to the hole in the stage.. She slaps the grating.. One.. Two.. THREE!! We have a new world champion, just like THAT!! ]]-
 

-[[ Trish retrieves the championship and tosses it down to Christian.. He looks at it with pride and kisses it.. He then turns and looks right at the camera with a cocky look on his face..... ]]-

[ Christian ] And you thought the Gimmick title was worthless.. How's that for a swerve?

-[[ He laughs and raises the championship belt as the pay-per-view broadcast ends. ]]-