[ Brock Lesnar ] Austin.. It's about time you learned when to shut your mouth!!
-[[ The fans boo loudly. ]]-
[ Brock Lesnar ] All I've done since I came to Solid Gold.. Is listen to you talk shit!!
-[[ He gets down in Austin's face.. ]]-
[ Brock Lesnar ] But you're NOT shit, Austin!! You're nothing.. BUT TALK!!
-[[ Austin tries to sit-up and Brock kicks him in the forehead, keeping him on the mat.. ]]-
[ Brock Lesnar ] Well... I'm going to finish you off.. Once.. AND FOR ALL!!
-[[ He looks out at the fans as Triple H pulls himself to his feet.. ]]-
[ Brock Lesnar ] I'm gonna do something that no one else has had the balls to do here in Solid Gold Wrestling.. I'm going to challenge your ass... TO A MATCH..... NEXT WEEK ON SHOCK!! But not just any match.. I want you in YOUR kind of match.... A STREET FIGHT!!!!
-[[ "OH! OH! SHAAAAAAWN!!" Shawn Michaels comes barreling down the ramp at full speed and slides into the ring and floors Lesnar with a flying forearm!! Michaels kips up just in time to nail Ric Flair with the SWEET CHIN MUSIC!! Triple H charges up behind him and nails him with a forearm to the back.. Michaels spins around and begins punching away at Triple H... And then...... ]]-
IF YA' SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL........
-[[ The fans erupt in boos as the Rock come walking down to the ring for no reason.. What the hell does he have to do with this!? The Rock casually walks up the steps and enters the ring.. Triple H and Michaels are still brawling.. And The Rock spins Michaels around......... ROCK BOTTOM!! ROCK BOTTOM!! ROCK BOTTOM!! The Rock looks down at Michaels with a smirk on his face.. Brock Lesnar, Triple H, and Flair are all three standing, looking at the Rock who just saved their asses for no reason..... The Rock grabs the microphone that Lesnar was just using moments ago... ]]-
[ The Rock ] HA! You guys see that?
-[[ He looks at all three of them.. ]]-
[ The Rock ] The Rock gave him the Rock Bottom, baby!
-[[ The Rock paces around the ring as the fans boo.. The Rock keeps flashing a big smile, loving himself.. ]]-
[ The Rock ] I know what ya' people are thinkin'.. Ya' thinkin' WHY... WHY ROCKY WHY!? Why you wanna come down here for no reason... Why does the Rock wanna come down here for no reason and hit Shawn Michaels with the Rock Bottom!?
-[[ The Rock laughs.. ]]-
[ The Rock ] HAH! It all boils down to this........... The Rock does what the Rock wants when the Rock wants to do it!!
-[[ Huge boos. ]]-
[ The Rock ] THE ROCK SAID.. THE ROCK DOES WHAT THE ROCK WANTS.. WHEN THE ROCK WANTS TO DO IT!!
-[[ More boos.. The Rock looks at the bodies of Austin and Michaels.. He looks back up at Lesnar, Triple H, and Flair.. ]]-
[ The Rock ] And now.. The Rock says........ BE COOL! Because the Rock's about to give ya' the RUNDOWN.... Ya' see, mama, the Rock's been WALKING TALL alllllllll around SGDubya and now that the Rock is movin' on to the finals of the PICK YA' TITLE SHOT TOURNAMENT, the fans have been beggin' to know when the Rock's gonna start dealin' out a little DOOM........ Well, the Rock says THIS..... It don't matta' who the Rock faces next week.. Whetha' it be Val Venis or Cactus Jack.. They ain't gonna have to wait to catch DOOM on DVD.. AW, NO!! The Rock, next week, right here in THE ROCK'S RING is gonna give the WINNA' of the match a free screenin' of DOOM... IN A TWO-FISTED SPECIAL EDITION!!
-[[ The Rock smirks. ]]-
[ The Rock ] What the Rock's tryin' to say is... The Rock is gonna win, mama.
-[[ He turns back to Lesnar, Flair, and Triple H.. ]]-
[ The Rock ] Well.. What are we waitin' for? Let's kick their candy asses!
-[[ They all
nod, smiling, and begin putting the boots to Michaels and Austin!! The
fans are booing loud and then...... The lights go out..... A spotlight
hits the center of the ring with a scorpion logo in the center!! Triple
H, Flair, Lesnar, and even the Rock looks shocked as the logo begins
spinning around and over the PA system erupts a familiar voice... "IT'SSSSSSSSS
SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!" The lights hit and the four men stop the beat
down, looking on in awe, wondering what the hell just happened.... These
four men have just been sent a message!! They slowly back away and leave
the ring as Austin and Michaels begin to come to.
???? versus Rob Van Dam
Title on the Line: None
Referee: Scott James
[ Christian ] Since Randy Orton just turned Taz into the biggest skid mark since Val's world title run in Revolution Wrestling, he's obviously not going to be competing tonight....... And since.. I'm in charge tonight.. And the fans can count on THE CAPTAIN.. TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.... Van Dam's regularly scheduled match is still going to happen...... Just without the angry, orange midget..
-[[ Tomko begins stomping down the ramp toward the ring.. ]]-
[ Christian ] Van Dam, meet your opponent.. His name is Tyson Tomko.. He's what I like to call.. My personal problem solver.... And well.... You just became a problem! Ha ha!
charges into the ring and nails Van Dam with a clothesline!! Alfonso
gets out of the ring and begins blowing into his whistle like a mad
man.. Tomko grabs Van Dam and whips him into the ropes.. He goes for a
big boot, but Van Dam ducks it and Tomko turns around..... Van Dam goes
for a standing side kick but Tomko catches his boot, spins him around,
and BIG BOOTS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE!! Tomko covers him! One! Two!
Three!! Tyson Tomko has emerged victorious!!
Winner: Tyson Tomko via Pin Fall
[ Bill Alfonso ] THAT WAS AWESOME, DADDIO!
[ Rob Van Dam ] Bro, I lost. I would've won if Taz showed up..
[ Bill Alfonso ] No daddy! Not that! I'm talkin' 'bout how Randy Orton blew that car up with Taz in it! THAT CAR'S ON FIRE! TAZ IS SMOKIN' LIKE A CIGARETTE, DADDY! HE AIN'T COMIN' BACK!
-[[ RVD smiles as Fonzie blows his whistle. ]]-
[ Bill Alfonso ] I'M GLAD TAZ IS DEAD! HE OWED ME A WHOLE LOTTA' MONEY, BABY!
-[[ Scott Steiner busts in the locker room, looking as intimidating as ever. RVD springs up off his chair from his relaxed position. ]]-
[ Scott Steiner ] Look at what we got here. Rob Van Dam and a whistle blowin' piece o' shit! Hey you, why don't you stop blowin' that damn whistle and put your mouth to work and SUCK MY DICK!
-[[ Fonzie hides behind RVD, who's manning up to Steiner. ]]-
[ Scott Steiner ] Rob Van Dam.. You can flash "RVD 4:20" on your tights all you want, but I'm gonna' tell you somethin' right now, boy.
-[[ RVD goes to speak and he gets nothing out of his mouth before Steiner cuts him off. ]]-
[ Scott Steiner ] RVD 4:20 is fixin' to turn into RVD 187 because Big Poppa Pump's gonna' fuckin' KILL your ass!!
[ Rob Van Dam ] Whoa dude, you need to chill.
-[[ Steiner slugs RVD and shoves Fonzie down. He grabs RVD and BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES HIM ON THE GROUND! He walks over to the fallen Fonzie. Oh no, he won't! STEINER RECLINER ON FONZIE! THERE'S NO ONE TO HELP HIM OUT! Finally, road agents and security hit the scene and finally wrestle Big Poppa Pump away from Fonzie and RVD, but the damage is already done!! Steiner turns to the camera and sneers.. ]]-
[ Scott Steiner ] WHAT ALL YOU BITCHES JUST SAW.. WAS THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST WORLD CHAMPION.. IN SGW HISTORY!! Rob Van Dam.. Is FUCKED!! AND SO IS ANYONE ELSE THAT GETS IN MY GOD DAMN WAY!!
-[[ He grabs the camera and shakes it.. ]]-
[ Scott Steiner ] One more time... THIS GOES TO ALL MY FREAKS OUT THERE!!
-[[ He yells loudly. ]]-
[ Scott Steiner ] BIG POPPA PUMP IS YOUR HOOK-UP!! HOLLA'....... IF YA' HEAR ME!!
-[[ He rips
the camera away from the camera man and smashes it on the ground.
Kurt Angle and Alf versus Lance Storm and
Title on the Line: None
Stipulation: The Winner Receives Kurt Angle's Medals
Referee: Charles Robinson
Winners: Lance Storm & Mike Awesome via Pin Fall
[ Maria ] Alf, are you in any pain?
-[[ No reply from Alf, obviously. ]]-
[ Maria ] Alf, I'm so sorry! You was gonna' go to the top in SGW!
-[[ She holds both parts of Alf in both hands, tears rolling down her face. Up comes Michael Shane, he looks curiously at Maria and Alf. ]]-
[ Michael Shane ] Uh, Maria, is this a bad time?
-[[ She chokes back tears. ]]-
[ Maria ] My first acquisition just got ripped in half! Alf is near death!
[ Michael Shane ] But.. Ah, screw it, I really don't want to know. Anyway, Maria, you're in charge right?
[ Maria ] Uh-huh.
[ Michael Shane ] Alright, here's what I want. As Television champion, I want my first major defense to be against Randy Orton. All I've heard every since day ONE in Solid Gold, is him telling me that I'll never amount to anything, that I'm not worth a damn.. And he goes and attacks me tonight.. Takes away my shot at the United States championship.. And you know what, Maria?
[ Maria ] No... Never met him.
[ Michael Shane ] Yeah, okay, at Heartbreaker, I'm going to help you make your job easier. Because at Heartbreaker, I'm going to finish Randy Orton off once and for all, one more time. One more time will we do battle in the ring... For MY Television title!
-[[ Lance Storm and Mike Awesome hit the scene and walk up to Maria and Michael Shane and interrupt their conversation. Team Canada looks exhausted, but ready to roll, still sweating after that rather unique tag team match just ended. ]]-
[ Lance Storm ] What have we here, some wheeling and dealing going on?
[ Michael Shane ] What do you want, Storm?
[ Lance Storm ] Your Television title, obviously. Unless you're too much of an idiot to realize that.
[ Mike Awesome ] YEAH! FUCKIN' IDIOT! LIKE FUCKIN' NAPOLEON DYNAMITE! RIGHT HERE! YEAH! RIGHT THE FUCK HERE!
[ Lance Storm ] That'll do, Mike.
-[[ Mike points to himself with his thumbs right at his chest. He whispers to Michael Shane, saying "Right the fuck here. Yeah." Storm looks back, shakes his head, and turns back to Michael Shane and Maria to finish conducting business. ]]-
[ Lance Storm ] Back to the reason I'm here.. Maria, second to Christian, I am the only other undefeated superstar in SGW today. I've given one-hundred percent effort since day one, disposing of any obstacle that's gotten in my path. It should be I getting that Television title shot, not Randy Orton.
[ Maria ] NO WAY, MURDERER!
-[[ Finally paramedics arrive on the scene and roll out a stretcher into view. The one in front looks at Maria and questions her. ]]-
[ Paramedic ] Who's the injured superstar?
[ Maria ] HIM! HE'S RIPPED IN HALF! HURRY!
-[[ Maria points to the ground at Alf. The two paramedics look at one another, deciding whether or not to do anything. Maria looks at them like she doesn't know what they're doing. ]]-
[ Maria ] DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HE'S GONNA' DIE!
[ Paramedic ] What do you say? It does get us out of a lot of work.
-[[ The other paramedic nods. They each pick up what's left of Alf and stretcher him away for no reason! A damn puppet is getting professional care! Maria waves goodbye to Alf and then turns back to Lance and Mike. ]]-
[ Maria ] You want a shot at the title? No way, mister! I don't give murderers title shots! You're lucky I don't have a phonebook by me right now, or I'd call 911 and have you arrested!
[ Lance Storm ] But, I didn't kill anyone.
[ Mike Awesome ] YEAH! LIKE O.J. FUCKIN' SIMPSON! IF THE GLOVE DON'T FIT YOU MUST ACQUIT! YEAH! RIGHT HERE! YEAH!
[ Maria ] NO! I'm not giving you anything Lance!
[ Michael Shane ] But I will.
-[[ Michael Shane looks Storm right in the eyes and holds his Television title high in the air. ]]-
[ Michael Shane ] I have no reason not to let you have your chance if you think you're good enough to make it count... That and I want to do ANYTHING to make you shut up once and for all! So at Heartbreaker, Television title on the line.. Michael Shane, Randy Orton, and Lance Storm.
[ Lance Storm ] I appreciate you just unofficially handing the belt over to me.
[ Michael Shane ] Shut your mouth and back it up at Heartbreaker.
[ Lance Storm ] The match will live up to the pay-per-view name.. I'll break your heart... And your body. Don't blame Canada, blame YOURSELF!
-[[ Storm stares Michael Shane down for another moment and walks off with Awesome following him. ]]-
[ Maria ] MURDERERS!
-[[ Fade. ]]-
Chris Jericho versus Chris Benoit
Title on the Line: None
Referee: Jimmy Cordaris
Winner: Chris Benoit via Pin Fall
[ Kurt Angle ] And Maria, I want my damn medals back! And I want them back now!
-[[ She looks at Kurt sincerely. ]]-
[ Maria ] Okay, Kurt, who's got them?
[ Kurt Angle ] That MURDERER Lance Storm! That's who's got my freakin' medals!
[ Maria ] Grrr! That meanie kills Alf and steals your medals! What's with these Canadians? They have no manners, horrible musicians, and dumb names for their money!
[ Kurt Angle ] Don't forget, they eat lots of mayonnaise.
[ Maria ] Ewww!
[ Kurt Angle ] Darn right, missy! And I'm pretty sure they bathe in maple syrup! When I think about it, that makes me pissed! Lance Storm has probably got my medals all sticky now!
[ Maria ] I hate it when I get sticky. Especially right after-
[ Kurt Angle ] Good for you. Anyway, what are YOU going to do about my medals?
-[[ Jillian comes into the room with Lance Storm following her. ]]-
[ Jillian Hall ] Maria, I found Lance again for you.
[ Maria ] I'm going to make things alllllll better, 'kay?
[ Lance Storm ] What now, Maria? Find the number to 911?
[ Kurt Angle ] Give me back my medals, you serial killer!
[ Maria ] Lance, you lay one hand on Snap, Crackle, and Pop from the Rice Crispies box, and you'll pay!
[ Kurt Angle ] Huh?
[ Lance Storm ] You called me a serial killer, which is actually someone who kills in a repetitive fashion. Maria took it as though I kill cereal products or the imaginary characters who promote them. Hence why she told me to stay away from Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
-[[ Kurt looks confused. He shakes it off quickly. ]]-
[ Kurt Angle ] Whatever. Just give me back my medals, you.. You.. Maple syrup drinking hobo!
[ Lance Storm ] Hobo?
[ Kurt Angle ] You heard me!
[ Maria ] Yeah~! Give them back, Lance! Stealing is just as illegal and mean as KILLING! So give the medals back to Kurt, so we can all live happily ever after!
[ Lance Storm ] No. He wants them back, he has to beat me for them.
[ Maria ] Lance, I'm tired of seeing you two fight! It's not very fun! Just give the medals back or you won't be getting your Television title shot!
-[[ Storm reaches into the crotch of his tights and pulls them out and extends his arm out towards Kurt, who is totally disgusted by what he just saw. Kurt reluctantly snatches the medals out of Lance's hand and puts them on. Maria looks like she's fixing to barf, and Kurt looks very uncomfortable. ]]-
[ Kurt Angle ] Damn it, Storm! You're just lucky I wanted my medals back, or I wouldn't allow anything that's been in your pants near me!
[ Maria ] You can say "Sorry" now too, Lance.
[ Lance Storm ] No thanks.
-[[ Kurt throws his arms up in the air. ]]-
[ Kurt Angle ] Fine, go eat some mayonnaise and listen to Avril Lavigne! To paraphrase lyrics to one of her songs.. "Lance is a skater boy, I said see ya' later, BOY!" In English that means... Beat it, buster!
-[[ Storm shakes his head and walks out. Kurt grabs his medals and almost kisses them before remembering where they came from. ]]-
Cactus Jack versus Val Venis
Title on the Line: None
Stipulation: Pick Your Title Shot Tournament - Round Two
Referee: Nick Patrick
Winner: Val Venis via Disqualification
[ Christian ] Alright, show time's over, get this trash out of MY ring! Maria's been doing big announcements all night long, the streak of deaths in SGW started back up. It's been just another crazy night at the office.. But Captain Charisma isn't one to be upstaged in ANYTHING, so I have an announcement of my own!
-[[ "YOU DIDN'T EARN IT! Clap, clap, clap! "YOU DIDN'T EARN IT!" Clap, clap, clap. Starts up from the fans. Christian looks around, mouthing the words "Shut the hell up!" He brings the microphone back up to his lips and continues. ]]-
[ Christian ] I EARNED THIS WORLD TITLE, DAMN IT! I EARNED IT!
-[[ This does nothing but draw more boos from the fans. ]]-
[ Christian ] My announcement tonight has to do with the title I have in my possession right now.. You know, Jeff Jarrett was the man I BEAT FAIR AND SQUARE to win this pretty thing two weeks ago at Supremacy. That marked his first title defense in FOUR MONTHS! Now, if Jeff Jarrett can buck the system of not defending his World title within the thirty day period, well.. So can Christian!
-[[ He slaps his chest and points to a random section of the crowd, who sends him nothing in return but heat. "BULL-SHIT! BULL-SHIT!" chants come from the fans now. The heat is really a direct polar opposite than the love they gave him earlier in the night for dissing Orton and Kennedy. ]]-
[ Christian ] I know, I know. I wanted to defend my title for all my peeps, but that's just not in the cards. C-Diddy doesn't do anymore than he has to. In fact, I'm taking NEXT WEEK OFF AS WELL! I wasn't lying, this title reign isn't ending as long as I take the week off every week! Loopholes, baby! Loopholes! So for all the haters and the fools who wanted to be the first to get a crack at the Captain, well, that's just how the ball bounces in the Captain's basketball court! BOOM!
-[[ Maria comes storming out onto the ramp with a microphone in her hand to a big pop. The fans are finally saved from Christian. Christian looks angry that Maria of all people is interrupting his interview. ]]-
[ Christian ] Look babe, Alf's at the hospital. Shouldn't you be tending to your big acquisition? I'm running the show from here on out.
[ Maria ] NAH UH! I AM!
-[[ Fans pop. Maria looks serious. ]]-
[ Maria ] I'm tired of you treating me like an idiot and trying to take advantage of me! I've only been taken advantage of three times in my whole life, they told me they loved me too! But Christian, it's not happening again! No, sir!
-[[ She's rolling. Christian leans forward onto the ropes, looking at her from the ring. ]]-
[ Maria ] You're not getting the week off next week! YOU'RE WRESTLING! WITH YOUR TITLE ON THE LINE! AND I HOPE YOU LOSE!
-[[ The fans pop so loud you'd think the roof is fixing to blow off the joint in the Windy City. Christian gasps and shakes his head no, begging off, trying to call timeout. ]]-
[ Maria ] Secondly, at Heartbreaker.. To continue in the trend of SGW pay-per-views having entertainment.. I've booked a MAJOR ACT FOR HEARTBREAKER! No Mariah Carrey Underground or whatever her name is this time! I got someone WAYYYY BETTER! At Heartbreaker... SGW presents...THE CARE BEARS WILL BE AT HEARTBREAKER! YAY CARE BEARS!
-[[ No response from the crowd. They don't even know how to go about fathoming that announcement. Maria looks disappointed no one reacted to her big announcement, but she isn't steered off course, she continues on. ]]-
[ Maria ] And back to you... At Heartbreaker, you WILL defend your World title! I don't know against who, but you're gonna' defend it!
[ Christian ] WHAT? NO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU'RE A MORON! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, MARIA! YOU DON'T KNOW!
[ Maria ] And just in case you try to out smart me... I beat you to it! I found a guy to referee the match too! They say he's an SGW legend, whatever that means.. And he's got a cool name and I love his colors! I love pink!
[ Christian ] Wait a damn second..
[ Maria ] At Heartbreaker, the special guest referee of YOUR match will be.. BRET 'THE HITMAN' HART! YAY! BRET HART!
-[[ The fans pop as if the second coming of Jesus Christ himself just happened in front of their eyes! The lights go out and pink strobe lights start flickering all over the area... Out on the ramp comes BRET HART! THE FIRST SGW CHAMPION IS BACK! BRET HART IS REFEREEING THE MAIN EVENT! Christian stands in the ring, motionless. He's shocked and appalled at this decision. He knows Maria picked someone he can't manipulate! Bret Hart stands on the stage in his leather jacket and jeans, shaking his head at Christian with a smirk on his face... The fans cheers are deafening. BRET HART IS BACK HOME IN SGW! ]]-
-[[ Fade out. ]]-