05 / 23 / 2020 | Broken Skull Ranch | Victoria, Texas

Commentators - Tony Schiavone & John Zandig

Though your screen is still black, a murmuring of excitement can be heard beyond the unknown of the darkness. Eventually, the following appears:

After the content warning, the screen briefly returns to black before fading in a shot of a ring, simple gray canvas with the SGW logo, black ropes, turnbuckle pads, and skirts. The ring steps are heavy-duty, high-weight wood, sanded but unstained. There are no pads on the dusty, grass-speckled ground of the area cleared off for the ring, and the undoubted oldest, most war-worn set of steel guardrails corral the intended action zone for the day’s events.

And the fans in attendance are ravenous. They’re banging the guardrails, stomping their feet and clapping rhythmically, chanting “ESS-GEE-DUB! ESS-GEE-DUB! ESS-GEE-DUB!” Even through the mid-summer Texan heat, these fans are ready for war – and the sixteen competitors are primed to deliver.

We transition to a shot of the make-shift announcer’s booth, underneath the BSR sign, where our lead announcer for the event welcomes us warmly. It’s none other than Tony Schiavone, the affable host and voice of Solid Gold Wrestling, grinning ear-to-ear, no doubt oblivious to the sheer carnage he is in store for. His eyes are bright as he opens the show.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Broken Skull Ranch and WELCOME! – to the Blood and Gold Tournament! Solid Gold Wrestling has become Solid GORE Wrestling for one afternoon only here in Victoria, Texas, and with me in the broadcast booth for this journey through the ultraviolent is a man who certainly needs no introduction to the world of deathmatch wrestling – your friend and mine! – Mr. John Zandig!

Wait, what?!

The camera pans out and Schiavone sticks his hand out for Zandig to shake, but it’s too late – he’s way too far off the rails already and ignores Tony’s hand, instead choosing to scream into the lens of the camera, spraying spit. Zandig is wearing a sleeveless black CZW shirt, blue jeans, and combat boots. His entire being radiates chaotic energy as he points at Schiavone, then back at the camera, screaming.

[ John Zandig ] THAT IS JUST! FUCKIN’! ZANDIG! …to you, Schiavone! And hell no! I do fuckin’ not need any introduction to the world of the fuckin’ Ultraviolent Underground, ya’know why?

[ Tony Schiavone ] I do not know why, my good si—

[ John Zandig ] I’LL FUCKIN’ TELL YA! THEY THOUGHT I WAS DEAD! BUT NO! HELL NO! I’VE LONG BEEN THE LOOMING THREAT – THE FUCKIN’ THIRTY-FOOT-TALL BALD-HEADED JAGUAR MONSTER STANDIN’ BEYOND THE MOUNTAINTOPS IN DEATHMATCH WORLD, JUST WATCHIN’ AND WISHIN’ SOME SAD SACK OF SHIT WOULD FUCKIN’ CLIMB TO THE SUMMIT AND DAAAARE TO CHALLENGE ME! AND YA’KNOW WHAT?! SOME HAVE! BUT ALL HAVE FALLEN! LOOK AT THAT FUCKIN’ PREDATOR FUCK DJ HYDE! SEE WHERE HE IS?! THE FUCKIN’ GUTTER – JUST WHERE I LEFT HIS ASS!

His face is beet-red and no less than six veins in his head and neck threaten to explode at any given second.

[ John Zandig ] AND HELL-FUCKIN’-YEAH, BITCH! I’M READY AS EVER TO SEE SOME MOTHERFUCKERS COME OUT HERE AND TRY THEIR DAMNDEST TO REACH THE MOUNTAINTOP TODAY! I’M READY FOR BLOOD! I’M READY FOR BARBED WIRE! I’M READY TO SEE SONS OF BITCHES GET THEIR SHIT BROKEN IN THAT RING TONIGHT! I WANT PERMENANT INJURY! I WANT GREVIOUS DESTRUCTION! I WANT GUARANTEED ANNIHILATION – AND THESE SIXTEEN CRAZY FUCKS ARE GONNA GIVE IT TO ME!

Schiavone nods sharply, grinning toothily.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Well alrighty, then! Looks like it’ll be a fun day at the ‘ole Broken Skull Ranch today, Mr. Zandig!

[ John Zandig ] I SURE – THE FUCK! – HOPE NOT!

The Broken Skull Ranch is still buzzing – just in time to get to the ring for the opening contest of the evening!

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

Starting things off tonight are Havoc and Moxley, two mainstays on the SGW roster with big matches ahead of them at Supremacy. This fact has to play in the back of their minds if something were to go wrong here tonight. Light tubes are taped vertically to every inch of the ring ropes. There’s tables stacked with bundles of tubes surrounding the outside as well. Moxley and Havoc pace around in a circle, both waiting anxious for the bell to sound. As it does, each man grabs a tube and they swing them at one another like a sword fight, exploding the tubes upon impact, sending dust and fumes everywhere! They grab two more and collide them against one another with the same result! Moxley drives his shoulder into Havoc’s chest, forcing him into the corner, exploding a few tubes in the process. Moxley takes one and smashes it over Havoc’s head! Havoc drops and Moxley takes two more and shatters them over Havoc’s back. Moxley rips Havoc’s shirt off and explodes another over his back, slicing it up.

Stalking his opponent like a predator, Moxley kicks Havoc in the ribs and grabs him by his hair, Paradigm Shift - no - blocked! Moxley tried ending it early but Havoc blocked it and sends Moxley over his shoulders in a back body drop. Havoc takes a broken shard of tube and grabs Moxley’s hand AND BEGINS SLICING THE WEBBING OF MOXLEY’S FINGERS! GOD! Havoc grabs a bundle of tubes, three or four of them, and places it on Moxley’s chest and climbs to the top, DOUBLE STOMP TO MOXLEY! One, two, kick out! Havoc picks Moxley up and wraps his own arm around his neck.. Acid Rainmaker attempt! Moxley grabs a tube with his free hand and breaks it over Havoc’s head! He grabs another! And another! Paradigm Shift!

Both men are covered in blood at this point. Moxley from his arms and back, Havoc from his head and arms. They both look like they've somehow survived a vicious car accident at this point in the match.

Moxley shoves Havoc in a corner and begins stomping a mudhole in Havoc’s chest with a series of boots. He springs against the opposite side ropes for a running boot, but Havoc grabs a lighttube and SHATTERS IT AGAINST MOXLEY’S CROTCH! Havoc grabs another and headbutts Moxley, injuring both of them with the tube! With Moxley down, Havoc goes outside and grabs one of the tables. He lays the bundle of tubes inside the ring and folds the table up, pushing it inside the ring as well. While Havoc sets it up, Moxley low blows Havoc! Skull Crushing Finale on a pile of broken light tubes! Moxley shakes his hands as the sliced webbing between his fingers has to be killing him. Moxley grabs a tube and breaks it into two over his knee. Then he begins grinding them into Havoc’s left arm and forehead! After enough agony, Moxley treats them like tennis rackets, giving Havoc one good swing with each half!

Moxley then sets the table up and grabs the bundle of tubes, easily twenty or more of them, and places them on top of the table. Moxley drags Havoc to the corner with him and sits him on the top turnbuckle. Moxley climbs but Havoc begins biting his forehead and grabs a light tube, smashing it over Moxley’s head and causing him to be wobbly-legged on the ropes. Havoc grabs Moxley and tries a powerbomb but Moxley dead-weights him. The two battle back and forth but Moxley rakes the eyes of Havoc and hooks his head.. SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP THROUGH THE TABLE! LIGHT TUBES EXPLODE EVERYWHERE!

Moxley tries a cover but only gets a two count. He collapses on the mat, his back bleeding from every inch. This is just the opening contest!

The two men are back up and begin trading blows, with each punch weaker than the previous one. Exhaustion has taken over. Moxley throws a haymaker but Havoc ducks and grabs Moxley’s arm and hooks him for an Acid Rainmaker. Havoc grabs a loose light tube and holds it against his lariat-giving arm...

ACID RAINMAKER WITH THE LIGHT TUBE! Moxley is down and Havoc falls on top of him. One, two, three! Jimmy Havoc survives! What a match!

WINNER
JIMMY HAVOC via PINFALL in 12:48

The Limitless Champion Ruby Riott appears in view, her title conspicuously absent.

Riott turns to the camera, nothing but simmering dirt behind her, the sun smoldering her pasty skin.

[ Ruby Riott ] You know, everywhere I’ve gone this week, people have said they feel bad for me.

She smacks her lips, pondering the thought.

[ Ruby Riott ] Kairi Hojo and Prince Nana.

Counting the fingers on her hands as she lists off the names.

Two.

[ Ruby Riott ] Gregory Helms and Sami Zayn.

Four.

[ Ruby Riott ] Dr. Cube and the Big Kaijus.

Seven.

[ Ruby Riott ] Juventud Guerrera…

Eight.

[ Ruby Riott ] Teddy Hart.

Nine.

She studies her nine fingers briefly, before pressing both hands against her hips in a forward stance.

[ Ruby Riott ] They ask me. ...How do you keep finding yourself in these situations, Ruby?...

Inquisitive stare.

[ Ruby Riott ] They say...you deserve better than this, Ruby…

Skeptical eyes.

[ Ruby Riott ] Why are you always in the ring with bigots? With derelicts? With freaks?

Wondering eyes.

[ Ruby Riott ] Why the HELL did you enter your name into a deathmatch tournament?

Nonchalant shrug of her shoulders.

[ Ruby Riott ] You should be challenging Jinny at Supremacy!...

Raised eyebrows.

[ Ruby Riott ] But nah.

Shaking her head.

[ Ruby Riott ] Because maybe...I feel right at home in the ring with them.

Affirming nod.

[ Ruby Riott ] Maybe I’ve never felt more at home than I do tonight.

Bold gaze.

[ Ruby Riott ] In a place where, once and for all, I can finally be what my championship title says I am.

The camera zooms in on her sharp stare.

[ Ruby Riott ] And that’s LIMITLESS.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

Rick Knox calls for the bell to begin the match, leading to Nakano and Arquette meeting in the middle of the ring. They engage in a respectful handshake, which brings a huge, cheesy smile to Arquette's face... before Nakano nails him with a SPIN KICK out of nowhere! Arquette falls back on his ass and touches his lip, pouting like an angry child. Arquette gets up and gets right in her face, clenching his fists over and over before looking at Knox and growling "Come on, man! This isn't fair! I can't hit a GIRL!" Nakano immediately hits him with a forearm and he staggers back before snatching a handful of hair and throwing her through the ropes the floor!

Arquette follows her out and the fans leap to action, offering him a variety of weapons. He grabs her hair and pulls her up to her knees before reaching out and taking a replica WCW World Championship from one of the fans! He pushes her back and charges at her with it but she ducks and KICKS THE TITLE INTO HIS FACE! Arquette staggers back into the front row where a couple fans use their hands to keep him standing and another hands him a... WiiU console!? Nakano charges at him but he launches forward and SMASHES the console across the face, knocking her flat on her back! Arquette looks down at the shattered console in his hands, muttering "what the fuck, man!?" before tossing it. The same fan hands him a stack of WiiU discs and Arquette grabs Tam by the wrist and holds her hands up... before using one of the discs to slice away between her fingers! "I'm sorry! I don't wanna do this!" he shouts as he snaps the disc in half... and jams the jagged edge into her hairline! "But I have to! OH GOD, I HAVE TO!"

Tam is bleeding profusely from a wound in her hairline. Arquette tosses the disc and looks out at the fans, horrified by what he's being forced to do. An eager fan shoves a Keurig machine into his hand which he places on the ground and pulls Tam to her feet. He lifts her up for a suplex and drops her stomach first across the machine before dropping a leg across the back of her neck, causing her to roll off of it. Arquette goes to pick her up once again but she fires off with rapid fire forearms and then screams in Japanese before ROUNDHOUSE KICKING his head off his shoulders! Arquette goes down and the fans crowd surf a full-size highschool locker into the ringside area! Rick Knox helps Tam Nakano set the locker up against the apron and she pulls Arquette to his feet. He comes alive and shoves her back against the locker before throwing a big punch... only to have her move! His fist dents the locker and she catches him around the waist, whips him around, and GERMAN SUPLEXES HIM INTO THE LOCKER! He ragdolls against it and she jabbers in Japanese with blood pouring down her features as she opens the locker, shoves his fingers inside, and slams it shut on his digits repeatedly until his knuckles begin gushing blood!

Arquette is crying out in pain as Tam shuts the locker on his fingers one more time... and then kicks it all the way shut, no doubt breaking all of the fingers on his left hand! Arquette is crying and sputtering, begging her to stop as she turns to the fans and receives... A SCREAM MASK WITH A PLASTIC KNIFE! She slowly turns to face him and pulls the mask over her face, brandishing the knife. He looks horrified and scrambles back to his feet, running to escape! She throws the knife and it clobbers him in the back of the head, causing him to stagger forward and trip on the Keurig machine, landing face first on the center plate of the WCW World Championship... where she runs and DOUBLE STOMPS HIS HEAD FLAT!

Arquette lays still with blood pouring out of his nose and mouth onto the championship belt. Tam falls to her knees, still wearing the Scream mask. She reaches up and removes the mask, revealing her blood stained idol features. She tosses the mask into the ring and then takes Arquette by the head, pulling him up to his knees. She forces him under the bottom rope and follows him inside. A fan throws an electric guitar into the ring and she smiles, picking it up... only to turn around into David Arquette spitting blood into her eyes! He snatches the guitar out of her hands as she turns around... AND WAFFLES HER ACROSS THE BACK WITH IT! He hits her across the back again as she falls to all fours and then presses the neck across her throat, using it to pull her back to her feet... before dropping her with a RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP WITH THE GUITAR! Arquette goes for a cover! ONE! TWO! THR-- SHE KICKS OUT! She quickly rises to her knees and pumps her fists! Fighting Spirit! Arquette looks shocked! She's up and nails him with a forearm! They trade forearms before she hits the rope and nails him with a SHOTGUN DROPKICK!

Arquette goes down and rolls out of the ring where the fans are offering anything they can get their hands on, a pogo stick, a fire hydrant, a paper weight, a Kermit the Frog muppet... and something catches his eye... a container with a tarantula inside! He snatches it and turns to get bcak in the ring... only to get hit with a SUICIDE DIVE FROM TAM! The container hits the ground and shatters! The tarantula is loose! Arquette, Tam, and several fans all scatter in fear!

Arquette and Tam end up back in the ring as they run from the tarantula and collide back to back, surprising each other! They both turn around and Arquette PUNCHES TAM IN THE FACE WITH A RIGHT HAND! She goes down and looks down at his fist in horror, asking himself "what did I dooo!? Oh mannnn!" And then it dawns on him that he's got finish this! He touches his face and looks down at the blood on his hands... before reaching down and picking up Scream mask. He looks at it and then looks down at Tam's body. He pulls the mask over his head, becoming the thing he fears most! He takes her by the hair and pulls her back to her feet... and then hoists her onto his shoulders. He walks her to the corner and prepares to throw her over the top rope and onto the locker at ringside but she slips out behind him and dumps him over the top rope from behind! He lands on the apron and quickly regains his footing... only to get a running yakuza kick that causes him to fall off the apron and land back first on the fire hydrant at ringside! He cries out in pain... and she makes it even worse with a crossbody off the top rope to the floor!

She throws Arquette back under the bottom rope, bleeding profusely from his back. She follows him in and he staggers back to his feet in obvious pain. He rips the Scream mask off and looks at her through the blood in his eyes, begging her to "Just end it already!" She advances on him, smiling, and he throws a punch... only for her to duck it and catch him in a STRAIGHT JACKET SUPLEX ALL ON HIS HEAD AND NECK FOR THE ONE! TWO! THREE!

WINNER
TAM NAKANO via PINFALL in 8:01

After the match, Nakano rests on her knees next to Arquette as he slowly rolls back to his own. They both stand up and he looks at her, rubbing the back of his head, ashamed of the lengths he went to in order to harm a significantly smaller girl. She offers her hand to shake and he looks unsure at first... but then he accepts the gesture to a large cheer from the bloodthirsty fans. Both competitors are beaten and bloody after a hardcore war. As the fans cheer them on, she invites him to join her in a bloodstained idol dance! He refuses at first and teases leaving the ring but she drags him back in by his wrist. Finally, Arquette shrugs and joins in!

We fade out as Nakano and Arquette dance in the middle of the warzone.

Referee - Brandon Morton | Time Limit - 30:00

Teddy Hart charges at Ruby Riott as she's entering the ring and knee lifts her right in the head. The fans boo as Hart drags her into the ring, snatches her up, and nails her with a BRAINBUSTER immediately before reaching into his pocket and revealing a TEN DOLLAR BILL! He bullies Brandon Morton into handing over a staple gun... and he staples the ten dollar bill straight to Ruby's chest!

Ruby writhes around on the mat, groaning in pain as Teddy looms over her with a sinister look on his face. He's only three dollars away from victory! Hart produces another dollar but Ruby comes alive and boots him right in the groin! Ruby rolls back to her feet, gingerly touching her chest, before turning and charging at Teddy Hart, only to have him boot her down! Teddy Hart goes to work, pummeling Ruby with forearms as she works from underneath!

Teddy keeps trying to get more dollars stapled to her but she manages to evade him at every opportunity. After getting him off his feet with a flying headscissors, she manages to stick a couple dollars to his chest, visibly pissing him off. Teddy and Ruby slug away at each other with forearms before hitting each other with overhand slaps, further agitating the staple wounds in their chests!

Fed up, Teddy boots Ruby in the stomach and pulls her in for a POWERBOMB but she spins out on his shoulders and kills him with a POISON RANA! As he lays still on the mat, Ruby manages to stick another couple dollars on his arm and thigh! Putting her up to four! Teddy fights back to his feet and whips Ruby into the ropes. He goes for a clothesline but she ducks it and catches him on the turnaround flying forearm! Hart rolls out of the ring but as soon as he lands on his feet, Ruby flies through the ropes and takes him out with a SUICIDE DIVE! They crash into the guardrail and Teddy is propped up on the rail with fans patting him on the shoulders and back! They waving dollars around and Ruby takes some of them, getting up to eight dollars by stapling more to his chest and shoulders!

Teddy comes alive and whips her around onto the rail. He nails her with a series of forearms before sticking another dollar to her exposed stomach, putting him up to ELEVEN! Hart delivers another overhand chop to her chest and then spits on her before turning around and going for an ASAI MOONSAULT OFF THE APRON... only for Ruby to move! Teddy goes stomach first onto the rail... and she staples THREE MORE DOLLARS to his exposed back before hooking his head and planting him with a DRAPING DDT!

Ruby and Teddy both lie on the ground for a moment before she struggles back to her feet. She takes another dollar from a fan... but turns around into a running KNEE from Teddy Hart! She goes down and he hits her with a STANDING MOONSAULT on the ground! He stands over her and picks up the dollar she dropped. He sticks it down the front of his pants and rubs it around down there before placing it on her chest... and stapling it down! He's one dollar away from victory! Ruby writhes around on the ground until she's up to all fours. Teddy grabs her by th hair and pulls her up to her knees. He tries to staple his final dollar to her forehead but she uses her hands to keep his at bay. She fights back to her feet and throws her leg back, catching him right in the balls!

She snatches the dollar out of his hand and staples it to his chest! They're both up to twelve dollars! Hart comes alive, taking over with a knee lift! He hoists her onto his shoulders, preparing to give her a BURNING HAMMER but she slips out, landing on her feet, and nailing him with the RIOTT KICK OUT OF NOWHERE! Teddy Hart goes down and Ruby Riott looks around for her final dollar... only to be offered a ZIPLOC BAG FULL OF PENNIES by a fan in attendance! Ruby takes the bag and presses it to Teddy's head... AND STAPLES IT INTO PLACE THREE TIMES! That's thirteen! Ruby has won the match!

WINNER
RUBY RIOTT via PINFALL in 9:29

After the match, Ruby Riott climbs into the ring and celebrates the win, plucking the dollars off her body, leaving trickles of blood in their place. Teddy Hart staggers to the back, looking furious with a bag of pennies hanging off his forehead. He disappears behind the curtain as the fans boo. We quickly cut backstage as Ruby Riott continues to celebrate after the match, looking beaten and battered yet stoic all the same.

In a promo taped following the match, we see Teddy Hart standing in front of the ramshackle Blood & Gold interview set with the dollar bills still stapled to his chest, arms, and legs. He reaches up and uses his fingers to pry the bag full of pennies off his forehead, leading to three trickles of blood running down his nose. He looks furious. He crumples up the dollar bill in his hand.

[ Teddy Hart ] Thirteen dollars... thirteen fucking dollars!

He spits on the ground in front of him.

[ Teddy Hart ] What kinda' shit is this, man?! I didn't lose that match! Ruby Riott didn't pin me! You think Ruby Riott beat me?! This tournament is a fuckin' joke! As a matter of fact, my fuckin' treatment since I signed with SGW has been a god damn joke!

He holds the crumpled up dollar in front of the camera.

[ Teddy Hart ] Not only did I come all the way down to Texas just to get SHIT on... but now I gotta fly up to Nashville for Shock later tonight?! Fuck outta' here! This is bullshit! I should be main eventing Supremacy, not fuckin' around for THIRTEEN DOLLARS at some bullshit ranch! All the shit that's gone down in SGW history... all the dirty shit... and you still think you're fuckin' BETTER than Teddy Hart?! You don't get to reject me, mother fucker! I REJECT YOU!

He throws the crumpled up dollar and snatches another off his chest, causing more blood to trickle from a small wound on his chest.

[ Teddy Hart ] You see this, SGW?! You see this!?

He spits at the camera.

[ Teddy Hart ] Take a look!

He snatches another dollar off his chest and holds it up in front of the camera before shoving it in his mouth and chewing it aggressively. He grits his teeth as swallows the dollar whole.

[ Teddy Hart ] Fuckin' delicious.

He storms off-camera.

Referee - Brandon Morton | Time Limit - 30:00

Ever the optimist, the Sandman decides to take the chosen stipulation for his first-round contest loosely and kicks off the match with a Singapore Cane shot to the face of his unlucky opponent, Drew Parker.

[ John Zandig ] FUCKIN’ SANDMAN WITH THAT CANE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] My word! What a shot!

Sandman cracks the cane again across Parker’s back a time or two, really lighting up the young man’s back – but through the strikes with the cane, the Urchin Prince fights on, connecting with a kick to the throat to create separation before drilling the SGW Legend with a bottlecap bat to the midsection – and again to the back! Sandman’s vintage SGW Tour shirt is shredding with each strike to the back…and the Urchin Prince is delivering MANY!

Parker steps back to the cannister of bats in the neutral corner and produces a bat covered with shot glasses! He licks his lips and yells to his legendary opponent that “THE BLOODY BAR IS OPEN, YOU GIT!” before swinging the vicious instrument and crashing shot glasses into Sandman’s face, spattering blood across the ring! Parker finds a side of the bat with tiny glasses still intact and regrips the handle, bringing it up above his head, preparing to finish off the Sandman for good, when –

WHAM-WHAM-WHAM!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Sweet Braves of Atlanta, that looks like a Louisville Slugger with baseballs attached…like a flail!

[ John Zandig ] WHATTER’YOU, BLIND?! THAT IS A FUCKIN’ BASEBALL FLAIL – AND PARKER’S GETTIN’ HIS REDCOAT ASS KICKED!

Sure enough, Sandman is swinging the balls, attached with what appears to be elastic straps from the head of the bat and WRECKING Parker’s head and shoulders with them before leaning back and taking a Pujolsian swing, drilling Parker in the ribs with a shot! As the Urchin Prince drops to the mat, Sandman quickly finds the shot glass bat and places a jagged side under Parker’s throat and throws his opponent and himself backwards with a version of the White Russian Legsweep! The legendary SGW veteran covers and Brandon Morton slides in – ONE! TWO! NO!! Parker kicks out!

A face of bewilderment spreads across Sandman’s face as he slowly looks around the Broken Skull Ranch, realizing he’ll have to up the ante to win – and begins climbing the turnbuckles, knocking over the container of bats on the way up! As he clumsily reaches the top, he points at Parker, screaming “FUCK YOU!” before flipping off with the Rolling Rock – BUT PARKER IS UP, SWINGING AN ALUMINUM BAT INTO SANDMAN’S SPINE! A gag-inducing CLARNK rings across the Ranch as Sandman instantly inches up onto the tips of his toes and the top of his head, doing anything to prevent weight being applied to his back!

[ John Zandig ] FUCK! WHAT A SHOT THAT SHIT WAS!

Parker is practically foaming at the mouth, quickly ascending the turnbuckles and flipping forward 450 degrees, smashing Sandman down into the canvas on his injured torso! As the legend cries out in misery, Parker hooks both legs, breathing deeply as Morton counts ONE-TWO-THREE!

WINNER
DREW PARKER via PINFALL in 8:41

As Nirvana’s “Territorial Pissings” plays, Parker rolls off of his opponent and grabs the aluminum bat, looking lovingly at its body, then to the broken body of the man it destroyed before dropping it and climbing to his feet, then up the turnbuckles to celebrate. Eventually, Morton assists Sandman to his feet, but the legend is only interested in a beer – thankfully, the BSR has plenty on ice for the day.

Sandman offers Parker a beer and the young man accepts as Sandman cracks it across his own forehead, guzzling it down to the delight of the fans in attendance. Parker looks at the beer and tosses it to Sandman’s feet before rolling through the ropes and walking back through the curtained-entrance, uninterested in any torch the Sandman has to offer him. Annoyed with the match’s result and the winner’s reluctance to accept his offering of endorsement, Sandman reaches down, moaning through the pain in his back and hurling the beer over the curtain as the BSR pops enormously.

Brandon Morton assists Sandman to ringside, where the legend downs beers with a few lucky front-row fans before looking back to the ring longingly for a moment, saluting the fans with a final, half-drank beer. The Sandman sits the brew on the apron and limps through the curtains as we fade away, “Enter Sandman” playing in the background.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

In a match where both men are barefooted, it seems obvious that a large amount of offense would focus on the soles of the feet, and this match did not disappoint.

“The Innovator of Violence” lived up to his name in the early going, dropping Kei feet-first into a well-constructed Lego sculpture, sending bricks everywhere as the Brahman brother clutches his sore soles. Dreamer grabs a lightbulb and smashes it into Kei’s skull, then throws the intact chunk at Shu, who attempts unsuccessfully to interfere.

At ringside, Shu begins fidgeting in his luggage, which, for whatever reason, the Brothers Brahman brought to ringside with them, but produces a coffee mug and passes it to his brother – who takes a big sip of what must surely be ice-cold coffee! As Dreamer approaches and takes Kei by his stringy hair, he suddenly breaks Tommy’s grip and spews not coffee, but THUMBTACKS into his face and eyes!

[ Tony Schiavone ] They were drinking thumbtacks?!

[ John Zandig ] KEI AND SHU DON’T TAKE THAT SHIT WITH CREAMER, EITHER! THEY AIN’T PUSSIES!

The Brahman Brothers go to the ground and team up to lift a huge wooden board containing the BLT which give the match its name – light bulbs, Lego bricks, and thumbtacks – sliding it into the ring gingerly. Kei slides in and screams out a war cry for the ages before charging at Dreamer – right into the Landlord of the House of Hardcore’s grip with a DDT! The Brahman Brother instantly pops to his feet, warbling around the ring on spaghetti legs for a moment as Dreamer looks around the ring for an instrument of destruction – and finds it!

Tommy Dreamer lifts Kei’s coffee mug – and hurls it at his opponent’s skull! It clunks into Kei’s head with a mighty thud and it sends him spiraling slowly, face first into the board of Lego, bulbs, and tacks! The Broken Skull Ranch implodes with cheers as Dreamer’s grin grows to disgusting levels, sensing the end could be near! He scoops Kei off the sharp objects and notices tons of tiny pricks in his skin beginning to seep blood, propping his opponent onto his shoulders for the Death Valley Driver!

[ John Zandig ] DREAMER DRIVER COMIN’ RIGHT THE FUCK UP! SERVED UP HOT!

Tommy scores with the DVD, covering Kei as Rick Knox slides in – ONE! TWO! THR—NO! Kei inches his shoulder up and Dreamer cannot believe it! Shu’s up on the apron and swings a traffic cone, but Dreamer ducks it, clotheslining Shu and sending him flipping to the ground of the Ranch! As Dreamer turns, Kei is up and lifts his opponent onto his shoulder, spinebuster-style – and throws him backwards, feet-first into the board of sharp objects! Dreamer’s face washes over with pain as his considerable weight forces his skin down onto the board and its contents, only just aware that he has to get off the board as quickly as possible – until Kei rushes him and takes him to the mat with a charging kick!

The Brahman Brother steps through Dreamer’s leg and applies the School Shooter, bending Tommy’s legs wickedly before reaching down to the mat and finding a light bulb! Kei bites into the bulb, shattering it – and then jams the sharded end into Dreamer’s foot! Tommy wails in pain, tears welling in his eyes as he tries to break the hold – but can’t! He decides eventually to stuff the collar and first few inches of his shirt into his mouth, biting down to grit through the pain as Kei continues jabbing the shattered bulb into the sole of Dreamer’s foot.

From the outside, Shu grabs a lightbulb of his own and holds it over his head, reaching into his luggage – and producing A LIVE LOBSTER! The crustacean snaps his claws angrily as Shu tosses it through the ropes to his brother, who maneuvers the sea creature to Dreamer’s foot – and watches as the lobster latches its claw onto his toes! Dreamer wails out again, finally slapping the mat repeatedly as Knox shoves Kei off of Tommy, immediately calling attendants to aid his bleeding foot as the bell rings.

WINNER
BRAHMAN KEI via PINFALL in 6:41

As soon as the bell rings, Kei grabs the lobster from the mat and leaps from the ring, running insanely into the forest surrounding the ranch! Shu, dragging both bags behind him, gives chase as the Ranch reacts to whatever in the world the Brahman Brothers were thinking and doing. As attendants get Dreamer to his feet on the floor, the Broken Skull Ranch begin chanting “TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY!” over and over, appreciating the efforts the Innovator of Violence showed in this highly-competitive first round match. Dreamer pounds his chest lightly with his fist, holding it up to the Ranch as we fade away.

Referee - Brandon Morton | Time Limit - 30:00

It should be said that Home Depot executives and representatives were a loud, rowdy bunch who are welcome at all future SGW events. Their contributions to the show were crucial, both in terms of reactions and in terms of horrors provided from the four walls of their hundreds of locations nationwide! Sauntering down the aisle and through the crowd to Wheatus’ seminal classic “Teenage Dirtbag,” ‘Spyder’ Nate Webb is in rare form, smacking the hands of each patron in a five-foot radius of himself as he approaches the ring for his first-round match against deathmatch legend Cactus Jack. Jack is nowhere near as welcoming as the patrons in the Broken Skull Ranch, chunking a door over the top rope and clocking Webb in the skull to kick off the contest! Without warning, Cactus escapes the confines of the ring to the apron and runs, diving off and onto the door, smashing Webb underneath as the fecal chants break out in the Ranch!

Jack pops up and throws his finger guns wildly, seeking out a small piece of plywood with mousetraps attached and longingly stares into the instrument of destruction, only small traces of Mick Foley visible behind the clouded, scary eyes of Cactus Jack. Jack waits for Webb to escape from beneath the shattered door and swings, connecting the spring-loaded traps with the Spyder’s back, snapping up bits of shirt and skin as Webb screams in misery.

[ Tony Schiavone ] John, I don’t know HOW Nate Webb will be able to overcome Cactus Jack if this continues!

[ John Zandig ] FIRST THE FUCK OF ALL, IT’S FUCKIN’ ZANDIG, TONY! AND SECONDISH, I DON’T FUCKIN’ KNOW NEITHER!

Cactus Jack hurls the wounded Webb into the ring, rolling after him and rummaging through a Rubbermaid tote inside the ring, producing a package of silverware! He dumps it onto the mat before finding another tiny container of nails! Jack plucks one from the package and chews it for a moment before dumping the container out onto the mat with the silverware! Jack laughs to himself, lifting Webb up – and bodyslamming him onto the metal! Webb squirms off the sharp ends of the silverware and nails and into the corner as Jack stalks him, a fork in hand! Webb, nails hanging from his tattered shirt, wisely fires back, firmly planting a staple gun into Jack’s sternum and pulling the trigger! Jack stumbles back and Webb rummages ahead with a staple placed to the groin! Jack bends over, in misery, and Webb staples him in the back of the neck, shooting him up – then connecting with the Spyder Kick! The old classic gains a heavy one count from referee Rick Knox, but Webb isn’t finished. The Spyder produces sandpaper from a tote, deciding what in the world to do with the rough-textured substance.

[ John Zandig ] SANDPAPER! YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ USE SANDPAPER, NOW?! Who the fuck does Spyder think he is now?! FUCKIN’ ZANDIG?!

Webb decides on the fleshy patch which formerly housed a human ear and slid the sandpaper across, drawing blood as Jack screams! Webb makes another slide with the sandpaper before climbing to the middle rope and waiting as Cactus rises before leaping for a Tornado DDT! – BUT JACK DOESN’T LET IT GO! He repositions Webb and shifts his weight, running and tossing the Spyder over the top rope and onto a shopping cart!!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OH MY GOD! THAT IS HORRID!

Webb’s body ragdolls, sending the cart toppling over itself with him halfway inside! The Spyder crawls up and leans on the upended trolley, taking bated breaths as Jack’s eyes grow wide, scaling again to the apron before climbing to the second rope and diving – but Webb moves! Jack careens sideways into the firm metal of the shopping cart, planting into the crossed bars and howling out in pain again! Using all he has left in the tank, Webb muscles Cactus Jack onto the apron and into the ring and finds a pair of staple guns! Webb climbs the turnbuckles and soars backwards with a beautiful moonsault – landing and stapling Jack twice in the chest upon impact! He covers, allowing Brandon Morton to count the fall – ONE! TWO! THREE!

WINNER
NATE WEBB via PINFALL in 11:05

“Teenage Dirtbag” hits again and Webb rolls off of Jack, taking a moment to breathe in deeply before allowing himself to be helped to his feet, gently dipping Referee Morton to the tune of the song before both men turn their attention to Cactus Jack.

The Foley manifestation is laying in a small puddle of his own blood, clearly attentive enough to watch as the viscous fluid drips from his forehead. Webb assists Jack to a seated position and gingerly shakes his hand, rolling through the ropes and to the floor, dancing through the audience, pounding a PBR and generally celebrating.

Back inside the ring, Brandon Morton attends to Cactus Jack, who appears to be as far mentally as can be from the ring he is seated in. We zoom in on Jack’s eyes as a single tear wells up and rolls down his cheek before we fade.

We open up backstage, where Colt Cabana is standing by, microphone in hand.

[ Colt Cabana ] Ya' know, I don't know why they told me to come to this thing, I.. I never competed in such a dangerous match. Sure I drank some Drain-O, but that's all I did, promise. So now, I gotta see who's gonna come to me.. fuck.

Suddenly, out of nowhere Nick Gage puts his arm around Colt as Colt has a look like he suddenly has seen a ghost. Nick starts to speak.

[ Nick Gage ] Ya' not gonna do any of that FUCKIN' funny business, are ya' Cabana?

[ Colt Cabana ] Uh.. no.. not at.. uh..

[ Nick Gage ] Alright, cause let me tell ya' something, ya' do, I'll fuckin' kill you. Got it?

[ Colt Cabana ] Uh, yeah. Sure. Listen, I wanted to see if you wanted to come and..

Gage looks at Colt like he's ready to kill. Colt gulps, before starting to speak again.

[ Colt Cabana ] Uh, right. So, you're first round match, against Doctor D, cool right?

[ Nick Gage ] Cool? Listen Colt, I guess ya' fuckin' new at 'dis shit, but lemme tell ya' one thing, nothin' is cool about what I'm gonna do to Doctor D in that fuckin' ring. I don't care who he is, who he slapped, ya' know? I'm fuckin here to make everyone here bleed, and at the end of the day, if I kill a couple people, then I did my fuckin' job.

[ Colt Cabana ] I don't think you're allowed to kill anyone.

Gage gets wide eyed, and starts to speak to Colt.

[ Nick Gage ] I don't give a fuckin' shit what you say, pussy! Dese people are MAH people, and dese people wanna see blood, they wanna see FUCKIN' death. So, lemme tell ya something, my gang, my MURDER, DEATH, KILL GANG we're about to take this tournament by fuckin' storm, Cabana. So, if ya' don't mind, I got someone to fuckin' kill.

Gage walks away from Colt as Colt looks on worried for someones life.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

The bell sounds and each man are brandishing weapons of their own. Gage with a riot shield and Dr. D with a nightstick. Dr. D swings wildly but Gage blocks the swings with the shield each time. Schultz is looking to end this thing quickly, knowing that if he connects with the nightstick, it’d be a fatal blow. Gage blows one more attempt and then kicks Dr. D low and smashes the shield across Schultz’s back and then DDTs him on the shield!

Gage takes a can of pepper spray and blasts Dr. D in the eyes, temporarily blinding him. With the opportunity, Gage takes the nightstick and begins slamming it against the ribs of Dr. D and goes for a pin, only getting a two count. Back on his feet, Dr. D is swinging at no one in particular, trying to connect with Gage, but Gage clotheslines him out of the ring. On the outside, Gage rips Schultz shirt off smashes a chair across his back three times, warping and bending it more and more with each blow. Gage reaches under the ring and drags out a kiddie pool filled with pepper spray and tire spikes! The fans “ooh” and “aah” as this gets introduced. Gage takes Schultz and hooks him for a suplex but Dr. D blocks it and suplexes Gage into the pool, right on top of the spikes which pierce his flesh! With Gage’s back ripped open, the pepper spray adds extra agony to the wounds, buying Schultz some time to recover.

Schultz reaches into his boot and pulls out a snub-nosed revolver! He goes to pull the hammer back but Gage reaches into his waistband and pulls out a .45 of his own! The fans begin to scramble away from the vicinity. As Gage cocks his gun, Schultz pulls the trigger on his but it jams! Miraculously it jams! Schultz looks down at the gun and tries figuring out what happened to it as Gage throws his at Dr. Dr, hitting him in the chest! Gage picks the gun up and pistol whips Schultz in the temple, instantly busting him open! And again! Gage then begins choking Dr. D with the nightstick until he sees his next idea.

A nearby police car.

Gage drags Dr. D to the car and smashes his head through the back glass of the driver’s side door, slicing Dr. D all over and blood begins flowing everywhere! Gage secures a pair of handcuffs and snaps one on Schultz’s left wrist and goes for the other, but Dr. D mule kicks Gage low. Schultz slams Gage’s head repeatedly against the trunk of the car and then opens it up, digging inside. With Gage on the ground, Schultz produces a megaphone and begins screaming into it with blood pouring down his face. “Y’all better pay attention, ‘cause I’m about to finish this sumbitch off right now!” He turns around and Gage is up with a flashlight and jams it into Dr. D’s throat. DDT on the pavement! Gage drags Dr. D on to the top of the police car and body slams him on top, breaking the lights in the process. Gage covers but only gets a two count. The finish comes with Dr. D digging into his boot and revealing a huge hunting knife that he gashes Gage’s arm with! With Gage trying to stop the blood, Dr. D hoists Gage on his shoulders and Samoan Drops Gage through the hood!

AND THE POLICE CAR EXPLODES UPON IMPACT! HOLY SHIT! THEY'RE BOTH DEAD!
Schultz somehow makes a cover - one, two, three! He’s moving on!

WINNER
DAVID SCHULTZ via PINFALL in 5:12

After the match, Dr. D drags a lifeless Nick Gage off the car and throws him in the backseat. He uses the handcuffs to lock the doors, or what’s left of the doors, to prevent Gage from escaping. Nick Gage fought the law tonight, and the law won!

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

Many may not know that deathmatch wrestling was conceptualized on a farm in Texas. Two men, working to assemble barbed-wire fences for containing livestock, realized the dangerous barbs could tell incredibly violent, emotional stories within the confines of a professional wrestling ring…assuming rules and regulations were a pinch more lenient. The men traveled across the globe to the Land of the Rising Sun – one of their homes, where the art was perfected in front of the most curious of bloodthirsty fans. Their exploits became legendary. They became pioneers in the two countries most renowned for their deathmatch prowess and practitioners.

Those two men were Terry Funk and Atsushi Onita. Now, nearly 40 years later, these two elderly warriors stand in the middle of the Broken Skull Ranch, looking around the ring littered with panes of glass and light tubes, tiny smiles across their faces as the patrons within cheer their names without a single blow thrown.

Eventually, the two men lock up and begin forcing one another closer and closer towards a corner filled with broken glass shards, each glimmering piece threatening to be the proverbial pane in the mens’ glasses with a single misstep. Eventually, Onita scores first by surprising Funk with a hiptoss into the center of the ring, taking a bundle of light tubes in his hands and expertly swung for the Texan’s neck!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Terry, no!

[ John Zandig ] DON’T YOU DARE WISH IT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY ON FUCKIN’ FUNK! HE MADE THIS FUCKIN’ BED AND NOW ONITA’S TRYIN’TA PUT HIS ASS TO SLEEP!

Funk cries out depressingly as the tubes shatter around his neck, but Onita isn’t resting with that blow and applies the shattered tips of the tube bundle to Funk’s neck, pressing in and drawing a river of blood from the legendary Texan’s paper-thin skin! Funk eventually forces Onita to break and bites down into his leg, piercing his jeans and coming away with a chunk of the tough fabric somehow! As Onita works around, getting the blood to flow to his sore thigh, Funk lifts a bathroom mirror and shatters the entire damn thing around Onita’s head!

[ John Zandig ] NOW! WE’RE! FUCKIN’! TALKINNNNNN’!!

Funk grabs Onita before he falls to the mat and drives him into the shards head-first with a sloppy DDT! The Funker applies a cover and receives only a two count from the gloved hand of Rick Knox. Terry rises up and begins swearing at Onita, calling him a “sneaky motherfucker” before taking another, smaller mirror in his hands and smashing it across his protégé’s back! Onita cries out in pain, reaching for a mirror of his own – but Funk steps on his hand and presses down on his fingers, standing with all his weight on Onita’s fingers!

SMASH!!

Onita swings a mirror at Funk and connects in the side, immediately cutting open his arm in multiple places! The native Texan is bleeding like a stuck pig as Onita begins assembling a massive glass pane between two steel chairs, looking to his fellow inventor of the deathmatch style, then around the Ranch before rolling to the floor and producing a replica of his world-famous barbed wire covered baseball bat!

[ John Zandig ] YOU’VE SEEN IT! I’VE SEEN IT! FUCKIN’ A! ONITA’S BARB-WIRE-FUCKIN’ BAT! HE’S SKINNED MEN ALIVE WITH THAT FUCKIN’ THING!

[ Tony Schiavone ] No! No, I’ve never in all my life seen anything as depraved as what you’ve just described, John!

[ John Zandig ] ZANDIG, DAMMIT! ZAN! FUCKIN’! DIG!

Funk is rising as Onita enters the ring, swinging his bat and connecting with Funk’s midsection! Terry drops to his knees, holding his midsection as he cries in pain! Onita is practically drooling as he rolls his head around, tongue out and savoring the moment. BUT FUNK REACHES UP, LATCHING HIS HAND AROUND ONITA’S CROTCH! The Funker wrenches his fist, tearing away at his protégé’s groin – but Onita swings the barbed wire bat into his head and right shoulder, connecting brutally! Both men fall to the glass-strewn mat in agony, picking the tiny shards of misery from their skin as they try to take a breath.

Onita begins swearing at Funk in Japanese as the two men meet on their feet – and Onita throws a punch! Funk with a right of his own! Onita throws another! Funk throws another! Onita reaches down and takes a handful of the shards and throws them at Funk’s face! He scrapes in pain at his face, but through his hand and one eye, connects with a straight right jab to Onita’s jaw, dazing the Japanese legend! Onita throws his own left – connecting! As Funk wobbles, dazed and still clawing at his eyes, Onita recognizes his opportunity and positions Funk’s head between his legs, lifting up and holding before leaping backwards – THROUGH THE GLASS PANE – with a sickening piledriver!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

Funk, wailing incoherently, is helpless as Onita drapes his arm across Terry’s torso and draws the well-earned three-count from Knox!

WINNER
ATSUSHI ONITA via PINFALL in 9:22

As the Broken Skull Ranch explodes with chants of “Thank you both! Thank you both!” Onita and Funk rise to their feet in center ring, finally locking eyes again after their brutal first-round battle.

[ John Zandig ] NOW LET ME FIGHT THAT MOTHER FUCKER! I’LL SHOW THEM A DEATHMATCH ICON! I’LL SHOW THEM A DEATHMATCH INNOVATOR!

[ Tony Schiavone ] But John, you’re not in the Blood & Gold Tournament…

[ John Zandig ] THEY’RE ALL FUCKIN’ LUCKY FUCKIN’ ZANDIG AIN’T IN IT!

Funk slowly extends his hand to the victor and both men slowly smile at one another. Onita accepts his longtime friend and rival’s hand and the two shake before the Japanese half of the global deathmatch duo pulls his blood brother in for a sloppy embrace of flesh, blood, and broken glass. The ringside cameras aren’t needed to read Funk lips as he looks towards Onita and emphatically says: “Go awn…an’win thuh whoawl…Dayum! Thang!”

Onita smirks and nods, a laugh on his lips as he and Funk raise one another’s hands again and we fade from ringside.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 60:00

The ring is an absolute mess of electronics. Keyboards, flatscreen televisions, vacuum cleaners... all of it scattered about the ring. Tam Nakano is beat up after the match with Arquette, a bandage stretched across her forehead with blood seeping through. Jimmy Havoc is covered in cuts and bruises following his match with Moxley. He glares across the ring at Nakano with silent intensity. Rick Knox calls for the bell and Nakano charges across the ring at him, only for him to pick up a keyboard and SMASH HER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT!

Broken keys go flying in every direction! Nakano goes down flat on her back and Havoc tosses the keyboard. He looks around the ring and finds a wired computer mouse. He shoves the mouse into her mouth and flips her over on her stomach before wrapping the wire around her neck! He chokes her with the cord and pulls her up... before curb stomping her head into the mat with the mouth still in her mouth! The fans groan in sympathy as Tam hacks and coughs, spitting up blood and broken pieces of the mouse!

Havoc mounts her back and begins crossfacing her brutally before standing up and grabbing a vacuum cleaner off the mat. He drops it on her upper back, causing her to squeak and then unzips the bag attachment, dumping dirt and filth all over her! Havoc smiles evilly and discards the vacuum cleaner. He snatches Tam up off the mat and DRILLS HER with THE ACID RAINMAKER but doesn't go for a cover, opting stead to slide out of the ring, grabbing a couple steel chairs from ringside and tossing them into the ring. He sets them up and places a flatscreen television across them!

Tam is completely unconscious as Havoc approaches her... but the fans suddenly pop huge as... oh my god, you've got to be kidding... KEVIN NASH IS HERE! KEVIN NASH STEPS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND HAVOC TURNS AROUND INTO A BOOT TO THE GUT! Havoc didn't even have time to look surprised before Nash drilled him! Nash hoists Havoc up... JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB THROUGH THE FLATSCREEN TELEVISION! The fans lose it! Nash whips the hair out of his face and leaves, stepping over the top rope and exiting the ringside area!

The fans are going nuts! Havoc is dead! Tam Nakano pushes herself up to all fours, bleeding everywhere. She hacks and spits blood on the mat before staggering back to her feet. She looks and sees Jimmy Havoc laid out flat on his back but she doesn't go for a cover. Instead, she slides out of the ring and looks beneath the apron. She emerges with a barbwire baseball bat connected to a power cable! AN ELECTRIC BARBWIRE BASEBALL BAT! She slides back into the ring and turns it on! Havoc is slowly coming to. He uses the chairs to brace himself and return to his feet... Taz sizes him up, screaming in Japanese... and blasts him with it! THE BAT EXPLODES! SPARKS GO EVERYWHERE! HAVOC FALLS BACKWARD DRAMATICALLY AS TAM FLIES SEVERAL FEET BACKWARD AS WELL!

As the smoke and sparks clear, Tam crawls toward Havoc and covers him on top of the shattered flatscreen television! ONE! TWO! THREE!

WINNER
TAM NAKANO via PINFALL in 6:08

Referee - Brandon Morton | Time Limit - 30:00

[ Tony Schiavone ] Fans, for this match, we’ll be joined on commentary by none other than the patron saint of this contest – Stone Cold Steve Austin! Steve, thanks very much for hosting this event today and I hear you provided much of the…err…’equipment’ for this contest!

[ Stone Cold Steve Austin ] Well, Schiavone, you’re real damn welcome! And hell yeah, I did drink all this damn beer – wuddn’t nuthin’! Just a week’s worth of savin’ up bottles and cans and caps’n the like.

[ John Zandig ] PAH! Some deathmatch tournament this is, we’ve got the poster boy for ‘corporate sellouts’ on the stick?! What’s next, Arn Anderson and Terry Taylor are gonna suck each other’s wrinkly cocks off before the finals?! I’VE NEVER – IN MY FUCKIN’ WHOLE FUCKIN’ LIFE – seen shit as stupid as this motherfuc—

[ Stone Cold Steve Austin ] Zandig, you beady eyed sunnvabitch, do you think Stone Cold is deaf, son? I hear every word you’re screamin’ and Stone Cold wants you to know he does not give a damn what you think! I’m here because I love whippin’ ass – and because I love watchin’ others whip some ass! If you want to have a mudhole stomped in your little Walmart Faded Glory jeaned-ass, just say so – cause Stone Cold would be happy to do so!

[ John Zandig ] WELL WELL FUCKIN’ WELL – Maybe this shit won’t be so bad, Austin! WE’LL FUCKIN’ SEE!

Inside the ring, the jockeying of position from Austin and Zandig has no bearing; the fists of both Brahman Kei and Drew Parker have been taped over thoroughly, dipped in superglue and covered with the broken chunks of beer bottle. Kei is looking at his fists with great curiosity while Parker studies his opponent through narrowed eyes. Deciding not to waste time, the Urchin Prince runs across the ring and prepares to attack Kei – but the Brahman Brother is prepared and back body drops Parker over the ropes, sending him crashing through a table with upturned bottle caps glued to its surface!

[ Stone Cold Steve Austin ] SHIT, SON, THAT’S GONNA SLASH HIS BACK ALL TO HELL!

[ John Zandig ] YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT, AUSTIN! THIS KID WANTS TO PLAY URCHIN PRINCE?! WE’LL SEE IF YOU DESERVE SHIT, PARKER!

Rolling quickly off the table rubble, Parker’s back begins to eek blood from a few of the multiple scrapes on his back, but he has new issues to be concerned with as Kei’s brother Shu immediately leaps onto the Urchin Prince and begins stomping his back over and over, seemingly aiming for the scrapes! Parker scurries away on his hands and knees, but Kei orders Shu to dump a nearby kiddie pool filled with beer onto Parker’s back – and Shu does so! Parker rolls again, trying to ease the pain of the alcohol meeting his cut-up flesh, but Kei is already on the outside with him. The Brahman Brothers roll Parker into the ring and Kei follows with a slingshot senton, covering for a count of two from referee Brandon Morton.

[ Tony Schiavone ] This Drew Parker is a tough customer, fellas, but it sure seems like something is…well…’off’ about him!

[ John Zandig ] HE’S IN THIS TOURNAMENT, SCHIAVONE – HE’S GOT SOME SHIT GOIN’ ON, FOR SURE – BUT AGAIN, IF HE’S CALLIN’ HIMSELF ANY KINDA HARDCORE PRINCE, HIS ASS BETTER BEAT KEI AND KEEP MOVIN’!

Kei lifts Parker to his feet and slaps him across the chest, stunning his opponent. The Brahman Brother slides out of the ring and, with his brother’s help, slides a kiddie pool filled with beer cans at various levels of crushed into the ring. Kei screams, punches Parker with his glass covered fist, and begins climbing the turnbuckles, back to the ring. As he reaches the top, Parker has shaken off his wear and runs up the ropes, leaping and hooking Kei for an avalanche reverse hurricanrana – INTO THE BEER CAN PIT!!

[ John Zandig ] NOW WE ARE FUCKIN’ TALKIN’!

Parker rolls over, covering Kei – one! Two! Thr—NO! Kei kicks out!! Morton signals ‘two’ to Parker, and the Urchin Prince stands up, reaching an empty corner, shaking his head and not sure what he’ll have to do to put away the Brahman Brother. As Kei stands up, Shu leaps onto the apron and throws a punch towards Drew Parker – but Parker blocks it and smashes his glass-covered fist into Shu’s face! Blood spurts everywhere from Shu’s face as Parker runs, leaping into the air and stomping into Kei’s chest, driving him BACK into the beer can pit with a beautiful Mushroom Stomp! He covers again – ONE! TWO! THRE—NO! NO NO NO! Referee Morton indicates that it was a split second away for Parker, but that Kei is still alive in this match!

Parker pulls Kei out of the pit by his hair and hurls him across the ring, pushing the beer can pit under the bottom rope with his foot before joining it on the ground, rummaging around the ring before finding a bucket and…a roll of duct tape?!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Just what in the world could this be?!

With Kei rolling around, trying to refind his bearings, the Urchin Prince slides into the ring, taking a handful of BROKEN BEER BOTTLE GLASS from the bucket and placing it on Kei’s back! Parker quickly rips off a strip of tape and seals the shards to his opponent’s back, then does the same with another handful of glass.

[ John Zandig ] This is sick shit – I FUCKIN’ LOVE IT!

After a few more handfuls of glass and strips of tape, Kei is aware enough to begin fighting back – but Parker quickly silences his offensive attempts with a stiff kick to the side of the head! From behind – Shu is in the ring – and he’s got a live lobster! Parker hears him coming and stops the attempted lobster attack, holding Shu by the wrists to prevent being attacked by the crustacean, slowly maneuvering the clawed creature from his face…down to Shu’s crotch! Once it’s there, Parker provokes the lobster, who latches his claw onto Shu’s genitals!! The brother rolls from the ring, doing his best to remove the creature as Kei stands, grabs his own handful of glass – and chunks it into Parker’s face! Parker immediately drops to his knees, checking his eyes as Kei goes ahead and empties the bucket of shards from the beer bottles, spreading them out evenly. Satisfied, Kei lifts Parker into position for a Tombstone Piledriver and approaches the shards – but Parker begins fighting! The Urchin Prince shifts his weight and drives Kei face-and-chest-first into the broken bottles! Kei immediately squirms off the glass and to his back and Parker does not delay, climbing to the top rope and launching himself off with a 450 Splash! The taped glass on Kei’s back sends him arching off the mat – but Parker sits on his chest to add extra weight, earning Brandon Morton’s three count and victory!

WINNER
DREW PARKER via PINFALL in 7:54

Parker rolls off of Kei and to a mostly clear corner of the ring, sitting and watching as his opponent begins regaining his bearings, clawing to remove the taped portions from his back. The Urchin Prince runs his hands down his face as he glares over towards Kei, finally exiting the ring and walking over Shu towards the curtain. Eventually, he turns back, peering over his shoulder and past his long, curly hair before exiting.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Fans, what a strange duo are these Brahman Brothers, certainly two of the most individualistic and…unique…competitors we’ve ever seen in Solid Gold Wrestling.

Shu has crawled into the ring and is licking his brother’s wounds, much like a cat would.

[ Tony Schiavone ] …quite unique.

Eventually, Shu assists Kei to his feet and the Broken Skull Ranch begin chanting “Thank You Kei! Thank You Kei!” over and over. With a sorrowed look on his face, Kei hangs his head, clearly affected by the display – before ripping his head up simultaneously with double middle fingers! Shu giggles and reciprocates the gesture as the two storm from the ringside area and charge off, into the forest as the fans chuckle to themselves and we fade.

Referee - Brandon Morton | Time Limit - 30:00

Riott and Onita meet in the middle of the ring and shake hands and a mutual respect is shown between the two. That is, until Onita headbutts Ruby right between the eyes and body slams her! He immediately waddles out of the ring and begins throwing steel chairs on top of Ruby. She tries blocking as many as she can, but a random chair here and there connects with her. Onita goes under the ring and pulls out a baseball bat with a t-shirt wrapped around the top of it. He sees a nearby kiddie pool and dips the bat in and lights the bat on fire and it explodes into a huge ball of flames! Thet kiddie pool must’ve been filled with lighter fluid! Onita spins the bat around his head like a maniac until Ruby Riott dives over the top rope, landing hard on the outside. She grabs the bat and brings it down across Onita’s back, catching his shirt on fire! Onita rolls around on the ground to put it out!

Ruby sees a black duffle bag and digs through it, pulling out a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a bottle of Tabasco sauce. She goes back over to Onita and smashes the Tabasco sauce over his head and uses a shard of the glass bottle to slice Onita’s forehead. He spits a bloody wad of spit in her eye and punches her below the belt. Onita clotheslines her from behind and digs under the ring, pulling out a branding iron with the end of it glowing orange! ONITA JUST BRANDED RUBY RIOTT ON THE ASS! She screams in agony as Onita presses the hot iron against her for what seems like an eternity. He gives it a slap for good measure because that’s what pervy old men do.

Onita takes the bottle of rubbing alcohol and pours it over a wad of paper. He then takes a match and lights it on fire and throws it in Ruby’s face, making a makeshift fireball! Ruby pushes Onita away to create some separation between the two, but Onita slowly marches towards her. As he inches closer, she hits a basement dropkick, sending Onita to his knees. Ruby looks back in the duffle bag and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. She lights three of them and jams them into Onita’s eyes! Onita screams in agony as his eyesight is burnt beyond repair. She rolls Onita back into the ring and notices a plastic turtle sandbox that every child had growing up and removes the shell top, but there’s no sand. There’s only hot coals filled to the brim of the sandbox! They’re so hot that they’re melting the top ridge of the plastic box. She jumps to the apron as Onita gets to his feet. She plows through the middle rope, hitting Onita in the gut and then hooks his head. She’s attempting a suplex but Onita blocks her with the ropes. After some back and forth, she finally gets Onita in the air, but he shifts his weight in midair..

THEY BOTH CRASH THROUGH THE SANDBOX FILLED WITH HOT COALS! THEY’RE BURNING THEMSELVES ALIVE! Ruby covers Onita on top of the hot coals and he kicks out at one! Afterwards, Onita is banged up pretty good and just isn’t able to get around at all. Both Ruby and Onita are bleeding all over looking like they’ve gone through literal hell and back. Onita makes one last ditch effort and punches Ruby as hard as his body allows him. Ruby absorbs the blow and returns fire. The two go back and forth with right hands until they both drop to their knees. Ruby hits one more right that sends Onita staggering back, nearly according over himself. She grabs a small torch and lights it on fire with a lighter. She then shovels something into her mouth and looks back to Onita. Ruby spits into the flame of the torch and flames goes all across Onita’s face! Ruby Riott just breathed fire into Onita’s face! He’s on his back clutching his face as Ruby rolls over on him for the pin - one, two, three! Ruby Riott advances after surviving the Feel the Burn match!

WINNER
RUBY RIOTT via PINFALL in 8:59

As Ruby celebrates, Onita makes it to his feet with the referee’s help. His face is a mangled, burned, disgusting mess. He debates punching Ruby but offers her a handshake to which she accepts, passing the torch from one generation to the next.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

Planet Earth is a puzzlingly dangerous place – and this contest aims to celebrate this fact with a bevy of dangerous things handy for punishment. The bounty hunter “Dr. D” David Schultz, following a strong first round victory over Nick Gage, moves from one modern deathmatch legend to an independent wrestling icon and a deathmatch star in his own right – “Spyder” Nate Webb! Webb, who enters dancing to “Teenage Dirtbag” put away Cactus Jack in Round One and now seeks to dispatch another storied veteran of the squared circle in Round Two.

Schultz kicks off the contest with a well-swung hunk of bamboo to Webb’s skull, covering for a very-early two count from referee Brandon Morton. Dr. D isn’t resting on two counts and rolls from the ring, pulling in three watermelons and a cactus with him! Schultz positions a watermelon in center ring and lifts Webb up, positioning him for a powerbomb! Schutz lifts his thin, lanky opponent up – but Webb wraps his body around his opponent’s and spikes him to the mat with a DDT, cracking the watermelon into three pieces upon impact!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Webb catches Dr. D with that DDT! That watermelon is split!

Webb instantly climbs the ropes and soars off with a moonsault! He covers! ONE! TWO! NO! Schultz muscles up off the mat, one shoulder over the other and instantly begins army crawling away from the point of impact intelligently. The Spyder recognizes his opponent is crawling away and gives chase, lifting Schultz from the mat – but is greeted with a slab of cactus to the face! The cactus spines imbed themselves into Webb’s cheek and forehead and he instantly scampers away, Schultz giving chase and thwacking his opponent AGAIN with the cactus chunk, this time to the back!

“Dr D.” quickly lifts Webb and puts him down onto his cactus-spine-covered back with a body slam, dropping an elbow for good measure and hooking the leg to earn another two count. As Morton gestures ‘two’ to Schultz, the bounty hunter coldly looks back to the official before to his opponent, instantly raining down with hammerfist after hammerfist to Webb’s face! The repeated attacks stun Webb, leaving him prone for Schultz to exit the ring and grab another bundle of cactus branches, piling them in center ring. As Webb rises, Schultz is already on his case, scooping him up and dropping him from his full height, back first, onto the cacti! More and more spines pierce Webb’s back and Schultz drops onto his knees, covering Webb for yet another two count!

[ John Zandig ] I’VE FOUGHT FUCKIN’ WEBB – AND HE’S TOUGH! HE’S A WILD, WILY LITTLE SHIT, YOU GOTTA PUT HIM THE FUCK OUT, DR. D, YOU DUMB OLD FUCK!

Schultz begins kicking Webb in the ribs, sending him rolling backwards and eventually, out of the ring. Dr. D joins the Spyder on the outside of the ring, looking to put his opponent away for good, lifting him and walking him over towards a piranha tank! Schultz knocks Webb’s head into the top of the tank and prepares to stick his opponent’s hand into the tank – but Webb stomps Schultz’ foot! The Spyder leans down and scoops up a handful of dirt, throwing it into Schultz’ eyes, finally grabbing his hand and jamming it down into the piranha tank!

[ Tony Schiavone ] God in Heaven, no! Please no!

Schultz fights back, clawing Webb in the eyes and sending his opponent backwards. Dr. D lifts his hand out of the tank, revealing several bites across his arm. Looking furiously towards the Spider, Dr. D walks over and headbutts his opponent stiffly, dazing him, then pulling the wagon containing the prickle bushes, fresh from a local nursery, over to ringside! Schultz leaps onto the apron and headbutts the Spyder again, eventually lifting him and positioning him for a piledriver! Webb fights as much as possible, doing his best to prevent what could come, but the bounty hunter is too strong and lifts Webb up, finally diving from the apron into the prickle bush-filled-wagon with a piledriver!

The Broken Skull Ranch echoes this sentiment, chanting “HOLY SHIT” over and over as Schultz covers his opponent, still in the bushes for a one-two-three!

WINNER
DAVID SCHULTZ via PINFALL in 6:36

As soon as the bell rings, Schultz moves from Webb and the bushes, sitting briefly on the ground before standing and walking slowly from the ringside area, ignoring everything, including Morton’s attempts to declare him the victor.

[ John Zandig ] I CAN’T SAY HE’S NOT EFFECTIVE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] I can say he’s robotic – downright machine-like in his progressive, animalistic hunting instincts and kill-or-be-killed mentality! David Schultz does not play around – and is on to the semi-finals!

Webb is slowly removed from the prickle bush and is assisted to the back – but wait!

[ John Zandig ] Dammit, Webb!

Webb begins waving his hand, requesting his theme song, even while blood drips down his face and back. Eventually, “Teenage Dirtbag” plays and Webb dances (very slowly) out of the arena to give the fans as pleasant a goodbye as he is able as we fade.

The Sandman is seated in a folding chair smoking a cigarette. One could say he looks like shit but that wouldn’t be a strong enough description. Blood trickles from his forehead and crushed beer cans surround his feet.

[ The Sandman ] I came back for one more fucking payday.

He takes a drag of the cigarette, but not even the sweet taste of nicotine can sooth his pain.

[ The Sandman ] Thought I could show these kids a thing or two, maybe send the bitches back to the kitchen where they belong.

His voice is defeated.

[ The Sandman ] I didn’t expect this ending.

After taking a final hit of the cigarette, The Sandman ashes it against his tongue.

[ The Sandman ] I don’t know when anyone’s gonna’ see me again.

He lights up another cigarette.

[ The Sandman ] Well, I guess I do… Whenever fuckin’ Jarrett calls me up with the right price to show up again.

Sandman stands up from his chair, grabs his cane and drags it against the ground as he walks away. The camera gives us one final shot of the Hardcore Icon for what could possibly be the final time in Solid Gold Wrestling. This wasn’t the ending anyone had in mind when he was named the first participant in the Blood and Gold tournament at all. Someone who was considered the front runner to win the entire tournament has exited SGW once and for all.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

The ring looks straight out of a John Hughes movie combined with a war zone. There’s a Christmas Tree in all four corners of the ring, and instead of your typical ornaments, weapons replace them. One tree has kitchen knives dangling from the branches, one has candy canes with the ends filed down to points, one has barbed wire wrapped all around it instead of garland, and the fourth tree shines with staple guns and railroad spikes. The men are wearing kick pads covered with thumbtacks and looking worse for wear, having made it this far and having to compete again.

Aligning the outside of the ring is a plastic storage tub filled to the brim with broken Christmas light bulbs, a pile of bricks, a few irons, and a big cardboard box filled with LEGO pieces of various sizes, shapes, and colors.

The bell sounds and it’s a feeling out moment. Both men try kicking one another but the results are ugly, as neither man will be mistaken for a martial artist. Giving up on the kicks, each man runs for a Christmas tree and begins loading up on weapons. Parker has two dull butter knives in his hands as Dr. D brandishes a staple gun. Parker shoves a knife in Schultz’s gut, but it’s too dull to do any damage, do Dr. D staples Parker’s forehead repeatedly, blood pouring from his hairline and eyebrows! Schultz gets a strand of barbed wire and presses it against Parker’s forehead and staples it to his head! In celebration, Dr. D snaps the trigger of the staple gun to the crowd, sending rogue staples flying in the air. He turns around and Parker headbutts him with the barbed wire and steals the staple gun, stapling Schultz in the left cheek! Parker rips the staple out of his forehead to remove the barbed wire and chokes Schultz with it, slicing part of his neck in the process!

Parker Irish Whips Schultz into the barbed wire Christmas tree and takes a sharp-ended candy cane from the other and uses it like a spike, jamming into an open wound on Schultz’s forehead. Low blow by Schultz! Schultz takes a railroad spike off a tree and stabs Parker in the gut with it, slicing open his stomach above the belly button. Dr. D throws Parker outside and picks him up, PILEDRIVER THROUGH THE LEGO PIECES! Schultz grabs the tote filled with broken lights and brings it into the ring, pouring the debris all over the mat. Schults soccer kicks Parker in the face with the thumbtack-covered kickpad three straight times, with each kick getting stiffer than the other. This isn’t a match, it’s a fight!

Back inside the ring, Dr. D is kicking Parker all over with the kick pads, poking holes all over Parker’s body. Parker rolls out of the ring and grabs a brick and smashes it against Schultz’s knee. While he’s down, Parker kicks Schultz in the side of the head with his kickpad and breaks the brick over Schultz’s back! Parker collapses on top but only gets a two count. Both men are scarred up, exhausted, and bleeding profusely. Schultz somehow gets up to his feet first and DDTs Parker on the broken Christmas lights! He climbs the top rope, but as soon as he gets to the top, HERE COMES NICK GAGE! HE SMASHED OUT THE BACK WINDOW OF THE COP CAR AND ESCAPED! He picks up a five gallon bucket from outside and pushes Schultz off the top, sending him crashing hard on the mat. Inside the ring, Gage douses Schultz with the contents of the bucket, which looks like tar! Parker is sitting back watching all of this unfold.

Gage then gets a bag from underneath the ring and rips it open and dumps feathers all over Dr. D! Parker goes up to the top rope, 450 SPLASH! One, two, three! Drew Parker advances thanks to Nick Gage!

WINNER
DREW PARKER via PINFALL in 4:02

Gage is on top of Schultz after the match and is strangling him with his bare hands until Schultz swings his leg, connecting the thumbtacks against Gage, making it enough to break free. The two men are trading blows back and forth, with Schultz covered in the tar and feathers still. Some of it has even rubbed off on Gage during the ruckus. The two men fight through the crowd and disappear as Drew Parker celebrates inside the ring.

We get an overhead shot of what's coming next... the ring looks like something out of a Hellraiser film. There's sandpaper, child size swimming pools filled with syringes and broken glass. Aquariums filled with lemon juice sit on two sides of the ring... and there's a large scaffold set up with the haunting barbwire spider web sitting beneath it. As the camera surveys this house of horrors, we see Ruby Riott and Tam Nakano enter from different sides and approach men who tape their fists up and direct them to tubs of glue. They dip the backs of their fists into the glue and then apply them into trays of broken glass and thumbtacks. As they do this, we hear voiceovers from each woman.

[ Tam Nakano ] < This is further than I ever wanted to go... but I will do what I must to win. >

[ Ruby Riott ] I haven't come this far... gone this far... just to come up short.

[ Tam Nakano ] < I am scared of what could happen to me. I am scared of what could happen to my opponent. In another life, we could have been friends. >

[ Ruby Riott ] I don't know Tam Nakano... I don't want to know Tam Nakano. That's not why I'm here.

[ Tam Nakano ] < I will do my best! >

[ Ruby Riott ] I'm here... to win!

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

Nakano and Riott meet in the middle of the ring and go to bump fists... but as soon as contact is made, Nakano goes for a roundhouse kick! Riott ducks it and catches Nakano on the turnaround with a backfist to her exposed mid-section! Nakano begins bleeding from her stomach and looks surprised before staggering backward. Ruby advances, nailing Nakano with right hands before Nakano begins firing back with forearms of her own! Glass and tacks go flying with each blow! Nakano draws blood, nailing Ruby with a backfist to the head! Ruby goes down and Nakano falls on top of her! One! Two! Ruby kicks out!

Nakano tries to force her fists into Ruby's face but Ruby hangs on to Nakano's wrists and stops her from rubbing the glass and tacks into her forehead! Ruby forces Nakano off and rolls back to her feet, looking momentarily relieved. Nakano charges and Ruby ducks, pulling down the top rope! Nakano tumbles over the top and lands on the apron. Nakano hangs onto the top rope, almost falling backward into the tub of broken glass!

Ruby charges and tries to shoulder Nakano off but Nakano sidesteps it and boots Ruby in the head, causing her to see-saw on the middle rope. Nakano pulls her out onto the apron and they begin trading blows. Ruby grabs a handful of Nakano's hair and headbutts her, causing Nakano to fall backward into the tub of glass! The fans go nuts! Ruby looks down at Nakano, disgusted, and hops off the apron. Nakano is shrieking and squealing as she picks glass out of her skin. Ruby pulls her out of the tub and guides her around the ring before Irish whipping her toward an aquarium full of lemon juice! Nakano reverses it and whips Ruby toward the aquarium... but Ruby stops herself, just inches away!

Nakano charges and Ruby sidesteps her, using her momentum to throw her headfirst into the aquarium, shattering it! Nakano begins screaming like she's on fire as she's covered in lemon juice, entering all of the cuts and lacerations on her body! Ruby wastes no time in snatching Tam up and slinging her under the bottom rope! Ruby climbs onto the apron and then ascends the turnbuckles... she flies off... FROG SPLASH! ONE! TWO! THRE-- NAKANO KICKS OUT!

Ruby looks furious as she pulls Nakano up and tosses her through the middle rope and onto the apron. Ruby follows her out and tries to knock her off into the tub of syringes but Tam hangs on! They trade blows and then the fans look on in horror as Tam grabs Ruby around the waist... and PULLS THEM BOTH DOWN INTO THE TUB OF SYRINGES! Someone in the front row immediately vomits as both women are pierced hundreds of times, screaming and groaning in horror and pain!

Ruby rolls out of the tub of syringes and begins yanking them out of her skin, discarding them. She's swarmed by EMTs who do the same... but Tam explodes out of the tub with a handful of syringes and tries her best to force them down into Ruby's eye! Ruby holds her wrists, keeping the syringes away from her as EMTs work to pull syringes out of her back and legs! Riott forces Nakano off of her and fights back to her feet, booting Nakano in the stomach to make her drop the handful of syringes!

Only a few feet away from the final aquarium of lemon juice, Nakano knee lifts Ruby in the stomach and nails her with a brainbuster on the ground before picking up a chair... and using it to shatter the aquarium! The lemon juice washes over Ruby, waking her up instantly! As soon as she's back up on her feet, Tam runs her into the nearby scaffold, driving her head into the steel! With Ruby on the ground, Tam points up and the fans cheer! Tam begins climbing the scaffold! Once she reaches the top, she rests on for a moment, looking out at the fans while covered in blood, clearly in visible pain.

The fans give a loud mixed reaction as Juventud Guerrera runs out from the back in JNCO jeans and a wifebeater and begins checking on Ruby, looking genuinely concerned. He rips off the wifebeater, leaving him shirtless as he begins dabbing at the blood on her face. He looks up at the scaffold and can't resist the opportunity to defend Ruby... or steal the show! Juventud begins climbing! Ruby begins stirring as he reaches the top and she begins to climb the shaky structure as well!

With Juventud on top, he snatches Tam Nakano up by her hair! She struggles against him but he overpowers her, yelling at her in Spanish! Ruby is only a few feet away from the top, shouting at Juventud to let go of Nakano... but Juventud THROWS HER OFF THE SCAFFOLD AND INTO THE BARBWIRE SPIDER WEB! The fans lose their shit! Riott makes it to the top and shoves Juvi, yelling at him for getting involved. He falls to his knees, praying and yelling "I WAS TRYING TO HELP YOU, BABY! I WAS TRYING TO KEEP YOU SAFE! BABY!" Ruby shakes her head and looks down at Nakano, trying to escape the spiderweb! Ruby looks at Juvi and yells "I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP!" before leaping... SENTON INTO THE SPIDERWEB!

Ruby and Nakano are both tangled in the barbwire! EMTs and stagehands rush over and begin cutting both women free! Juventud Guerrera climbs down carefully and looks on with concern as Ruby is pulled free first. Nakano is freed next. EMTs are checking on both women... but Ruby comes alive and shoves Nakano under the bottom rope. Ruby follows her in and pulls her up to her feet... Ruby goes for the RIOT KICK but Nakano catches Ruby around the waist and goes for a straightjacket suplex... only for Ruby to spin out of that and nail a RIOTT KICK for the one! Two! Three!

WINNER
RUBY RIOTT via PINFALL in 14:32

After the match, Tam Nakano is helped away from the ring by EMTs. Juventud Guerrera tries to help Ruby but she shoves him away and yells at him to stay out of her business. Security actually approaches and removes Juventud Guerrera from the ringside area and presumably from the Broken Skull Ranch so he can't interfere anymore. Ruby staggers to the back in pain as we fade out.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Ladies and gentlemen, what a long and, frankly, difficult to watch journey it has been – and now, only two remain.

[ John Zandig ] TWO FUCKIN’ WARRIORS! TWO FUCKIN’ BEASTS – LET’S SEE WHICH OF ‘EM’S GOT THE FUCKIN’ BAWLS TO SURVIVE THE SEVENTH CIRCLE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Well, John, one of them doesn’t…uhm…doesn’t…uh, have…testicles…and yet, she has made it to the finals in a truly Limitless display.

[ John Zandig ] YOU THINK SHE’S NOT GOTS THA’ FUCKIN’ BAWLS?! YOU CRAZY?! SHE’S GOT MORE BAWLS THAN YOU’S SCHIAVONE!

There’s a brief pause as the ringside attendants continue constructing the warzone for the final round.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Fans, we’ve got two incredible, death-defiant athletes preparing to give their all for you in the finals – and awaiting the winner is a prize that makes all the pain worth the while. Let’s take you now to a brief presentation of the journey…to this level of violence.

The screen stands still on a shot of Schiavone and Zandig standing, unsure when the video will start playing. After twenty seconds or so, it begins.

A black screen.

Bring the violence, it's significant
To the life if you've ever known anyone
Bring the violence, it's significant
To the life, can you feel it?
Ow-ow OW!

The video fades in as the whipping guitars and lyrics accent a close, zooming shot of the Hardcore Trophy, cast in gold and shining bright before showing a still shot of each Solid Gold Wrestling Champion, the potential victims of this tournament’s winner and their indisputable claim at a shot at championship glory.

How do you sleep when you live with your lies?
Out of your mouth, up from your mind
That kind of thinking starts a chain reaction
You are a time bomb ticking away

We cut to shots of Drew Parker, smashing the Sandman in the spine with an aluminum baseball bat in round one, capitalizing with a beautiful 450 Splash. Then, we see Ruby Riott overcoming a huge defecit in the Unlucky 13 match, stapling a bag of pennies to Teddy Hart to win.

You need to release what you're feeling inside
Let out the beast that you're trying to hide
Step right up and be a part of the action
G-get your game face on because it's time to play
You're pushing and fighting your way – You're ripping it up!

In the second round, Riott attempting to suplex Atsushi Onita off the apron into the sandbox of hot coals but Onita shifting his weight and putting both of them into the fire! An overlay of fire takes over the screen before fading to another shot of Riott breathing fire into the legend’s face to win the Feel the Burn contest! We fade directly into a new shot of Parker being back body dropped over the ropes onto the bottle-cap table! Then, his incredible 450 Splash to Brahman Kei, driving glass shards into his back!

Bring the violence, it's significant
To the life if you've ever known anyone
Bring the violence, it's significant
To the life, can you feel it?

We see Parker having barbed wire staple-gunned to his forehead by the ruthless Dr. D in the semifinal round, his anguished screams releasing pain. Another faded shot of Parker pinning Schultz, earning his way to the final round.

Bring the violence, it's significant
To the life if you've ever known anyone
Bring the violence, it's significant
To the life, can you feel it?

Riott, bleeding from the head, standing tall in the aisleway.
Parker, having the barbed wire removed from his forehead.
The screen cuts abruptly to black.

Referee - Rick Knox | Time Limit - 30:00

The ring in the center of the Broken Skull Ranch has been grossly modified for the finals of the first edition of the Blood and Gold Tournament.

First and foremost, the canvas and padding to the squared circle has been removed and packed away, leaving only the exposed boards of the floor available. The ring ropes have been replaced with barbed wire. Boards with huge bundles of barbed wire are propped between the ring aprons and guardrails on three sides of the ring. Both competitors have been equipped with new wrist and fist taping, barbed wire superglued to all four hands. Finally, explosives have been rigged to the ring, prepared to go off at random intervals.

This is the Seventh Circle Deathmatch.

And it is for all the marbles.

Two competitors will battle in the harshest environment SGW Officials could conceive, and the winner will walk away with the Hardcore Trophy, as well as a shot at any SGW Championship of their choosing.

One finalist already has the honor of holding a championship in Solid Gold Wrestling – the Limitless Championship. Ruby Riott, a woman who aspires to be the very definition of limitless, faces off against a young man with no prior SGW experience, but three strong victories to his name thus far in the “Urchin Prince” Drew Parker.

[ Tony Schiavone ] After the most vomit-inducing tournament I can ever recall in professional wrestling, fans, we have made it…to what may be the most despicable contest I have ever heard of – the Seventh Circle Deathmatch.

[ John Zandig ] THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL, SCHIAVONE! IT’S BARBED WIRE! EXPOSED BOARDS! FUCKIN’ EXPLOSIVES – ARE YOU FUCKIN’ READY FOR THIS SHIT?!

Referee Rick Knox gestures to the outside of the ring, where Brandon Morton stands, lifting the beautiful, sharply edged Hardcore Trophy, the visual representation of the victory either Parker or Riott will enjoy at the conclusion of this contest. The gold, glimmering and beautiful, draws the attention of each competitor before the bell rings, kicking off the contest—

And Riott is off to a lightning-quick start! She darts across the exposed boards of the ring and blasts Parker with a forearm strike, sending him into the corner in a heap! Riott follows her opponent in and begins burying forearm after forearm into his neck and shoulder, sinking Parker down into the mat until she lifts him, Irish Whipping him across the ring and into the turnbuckle – out he comes, staggering, into a HUGE back body drop! Right onto the exposed boards! Parker’s eyes are wide as Riott covers, earning a two count only moments into the finals!

Drew Parker rolls to his elbows and begins moving towards the corner as Riott, running over, catches him with a double stomp to the lower spine, sending him into the exposed boards again! Riott reaches and grabs a handful of Parker’s long, curly hair, frizzed out from the Texas heat and the throes of battle, and begins moving his head towards the barbed wire ropes surrounding what’s left of the ring!

[ John Zandig ] THIS BITCH – SHE’S TRYIN’ TO SLASH PARKER’S ASS UP – AND I LOVE IT! CUT HIS ASS UP!

Riott is pulling Parker by the hair, straining to drag him face first into the wire and exerting as much as possible! The Urchin Prince grits his teeth and reaches up, taking the chunk of hair at the opposite end, under Riott’s hand and tugging a lock of his own hair out, watching as Riot falls face-down into the barbed wire-ropes! Ruby screams out as the wire pierces her cheeks and stomach, doing what she can to regain her composure – but she can’t struggle back into the ring until Parker takes her by the waist and throws her overhead with a German Suplex – right onto the exposed boards of the ring!

[ Tony Schiavone ] God in Heaven! Ruby Riott’s neck could be broken!

Riott bounces off the top of her back, up to her knees, dazed from the gross impact to the back of her neck. Parker glares across the ring and sickeningly, a smile spreads across his face as he darts across the boards, leaping into the air for a mushroom stomp – and connecting! Riott bends backwards over her own feet disgustingly as Parker stomps her torso down into the exposed boards of the ring! Parker covers and Knox is over to make the count – One! Two! No! Ruby throws Parker off!

The Urchin Prince snarls his lips and watches through narrowed eyes as Riott begins to roll over and chooses to slowly, carefully climb up the turnbuckles and make an attack from the high-rent district. As Parker finally reaches the top turnbuckle, both feet planted onto the pad, Riott is up, running at full speed into the buckles, launching Parker off the top rope to the ground! Parker flips off the ropes, careening towards the dirty ground – but ‘thankfully,’ a barbed-wire board is there to break his fall, shredding his back on the way down!

[ Tony Schiavone ] NO! NO! What a horrifying fall! Drew Parker may be seriously, grievously injured!

Parker’s long hair is caught in bits of the wire, though his most pressing issue appears to be his back, which he is attempting to nurse with his hand. Riott, attempting somewhat successfully to negotiate her way from the ring to the floor, finally reaches Parker and begins pulling him out of the barbs – by his hair! After realizing he is stuck primarily by his long hair, Riott grabs Parker by the arms and begins pulling with all her might, finally unsticking the Urchin Prince and throwing him onto the apron of the ring, leaving strands of hair behind!

As Riott positions Parker onto the apron, the Urchin Prince begins crawling away, towards another side of the ring, but the Limitless Champion gives chase, following him to the side he chooses and leaping to join him on the apron – but Parker greets her with a barbed-wire fist to the face! The superglued bits of barbed wire jab Riott in the nose and cheeks, immediately cutting her skin! Parker realizes he must execute now and puts Riott on his shoulders, steamrolling off the apron through the barbed wire board to the ground below!!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

[ John Zandig ] HELL YEAH! HELL FUCKIN’ YEAH!

[ Tony Schiavone ] They could both be broken in half! I cannot believe Drew Parker would willingly roll into another barbed wire bundle board!

[ John Zandig ] IF IT MEANS TAKING RIOTT WITH HIM, HE SURE THE FUCK WILL – IF! IF HE WANTS TO WIN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

Knox begins helping Parker first, then giving Riott the assistance to roll out of the barbed wire, as her ring gear and barbed-wire wrapped fists are stuck in the wire. Eventually, both competitors have made their way back onto the exposed boards of the ring and are rolling towards center ring, lacksidasically keeping their fists elevated to defend themselves.

BOOOM!

An explosion in a corner of the ring! Black smoke spreads quickly through the ring and rises as wood shatters and splinters around the afflicted corner!

[ John Zandig ] THE FIRST EXPLOSION! THEY’RE FUCKED!

As Riott and Parker begin crawling, unsure where is safe, two more corners explode surprisingly! Emanating from corners across the hypotensue of the ring, both Riott and Parker are far-more affected by this blast, taking wood and smoke to the face as the boards of the ring explode violently!

[ Tony Schiavone ] WHY ARE THESE EXPLOSIONS SO CLOSE?! I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DELAYED!

[ John Zandig ] WE WEREN’T PROMISED ANYTHING BUT CARNAGE AND WE’RE FUCKIN’ GETTING’ IT!

Parker and Riott both maneuver towards the only completely intact corner of the ring slowly, unsure about another explosion and the destruction it could bring. The bits of the ring which have suffered through have bits of exposed metal ring frame showing through the shattered, blackened wood and appear to be highly unstable. In all, only about 33% of the already exposed ring is in functional shape as Riott and Parker make their way to their feet, each swinging and conneting with a barbed-wire Taipei fist! With both of them dazed, Riott takes Parker’s wrist and wrenches, twirling through –

[ Tony Schiavone ] RIOTT KICK, COULD BE IT!

As Ruby throws her foot up to kick Parker, he ducks, keeping hold of the wristlock and hooks Riott in a pumphandle of sorts, using her momentum and sitting out with a devastating pumphandle driver, shattering the damaged boards of the ring!! Parker keeps the cradle on and Knox counts – ONE! TWO! THRE—NO!!!! NO! RUBY RIOTT KICKS OUT!

[ John Zandig ] HOLY SHIT!

[ Tony Schiavone ] WHAT HEART! WHAT HEART!

Parker’s mouth falls open in shock as he looks at Riott’s mangled body, supported only barely by the chunks of uneven wood beneath her crumpled frame. The Urchin Prince grabs at his hair and slowly exits the ring, finding a spare barbed wire board, sliding it into the ring and placing it in one of the exploded corners! Working as quickly as his laundry list of accrued injuries will allow, Parker takes the final barbed wire board from the guardrail and slides it into the opposite corner of his first plunderous endeavor, inching into the ring to move it towards the most complete corner of the destroyed ring. The Urchin Prince grabs Ruby from her mangled spot of ring, throwing her thoughtlessly onto the barbed wire board! Her mouth shoots open as her scarred flesh meets the barbs and Parker begins stomping down on one side of the barbed wire ropes, removing them and ascending the turnbuckles – he’s going up!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Drew Parker’s going up! This could be the 450 Splash, which has won him every mat—

BOOOM!!!

THE FINAL EXPLOSION RINGS OUT, BLOWING UP ABOUT A FOOT FROM RIOTT, SENDING HER OFF THE BARBS AND INTO THE CENTER OF THE MANGLED RING, SEAMLESSLY SHATTERING THE FINAL INTACT BOARDS UNDER HER! THE EXPLOSION’S IMPACT SHAKES THE RING AND PARKER FLIPS OFF THE TURNBUCKLES AWKWARDLY, SMASHING THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE BOARD AND BEING CRADLED VIOLENTLY BY THE IRON FRAMING OF THE RING BELOW!

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

[ Tony Schiavone ] AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, THIS IS THE DAMNDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN! IN ALL MY LIFE!

Riott begins reaching for any stability in the ring and struggles to find any at all, eventually coming to a sturdy base on the ring frame before swiping at Parker’s legs, pulling him from the barbs and over to the mangled hunk of ring she’s on. Bringing the Urchin Prince to his feet, both warriors bleeding from multiple places on their body, Riott holds Parker by the hair – and throws a headbutt! Parker’s eyes roll back in his bloody head before he leans forward, smiling!

[ John Zandig ] FUCK! OH MY GOD!

Parker violently throws his head forward, smashing Riott in the face! She’s slow to retaliate, so Parker pulls by her shoulders and leathers Ruby with another headbutt! Right to the face!!

[ Tony Schiavone ] GOD ALMIGHTY! THIS IS SAVAGERY!

Parker releases Riott – and she falls backwards onto the barbed wire board! As quickly as he can, Parker maneuvers over to the near corner and climbs, standing hesitantly, slowly – and soars off, smashing Riott into the barbed wire, chunks of uneven exposed boards, and iron frame of the ring! He doesn’t move as Knox counts emphatically – ONE! TWO! THREE!

WINNER
DREW PARKER via PINFALL in 18:09

The fans erupt with cheering as Knox and Morton, along with a crew of assistants begins removing Riott and Parker from the rubble where a functioning ring stood not an hour ago.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Fans – Drew Parker has done it! This young man, disillusioned with the world…an outcast! A man who calls himself the Urchin Prince…has the victory in the first ever Blood and Gold Tournament! He’s a made man in Solid Gold Wrestling, John!

[ John Zandig ] FUCKIN’ HELL, TONY – IT’S FUCKIN’! ZAN! DIG! AND HELL YEAH – PARKER’S A TOUGH BASTARD AND HE EARNED THAT SHIT!

Parker is breathing deeply, blood still dripping from his gaunt face as he crawls to the Hardcore Trophy, looking at his scarred visage in the shining reflection of the trophy.

The scars. The blood. The years taken from his life.

Drew Parker smiles.

Drops of blood begin dripping into the top of the cup as Parker takes it into his arms, cradling and hugging it despite its sharp points. The officials bring Riott beside Parker, helping her to the back and she stops, against their wishes, going eye-to-eye with the Urchin Prince.

[ John Zandig ] LOOK AT THIS SHIT!

Riott and Parker each stand their ground before Riott looks down at the trophy, then back to Parker…and nods solemnly.

[ Tony Schiavone ] What sportsmanship from Ruby Riott – she’s a hell of a competitor and she had a hell of a showing in Blood and Gold, Zandig – but this man!

Parker lifts the trophy high overhead as the Broken Skull Ranch erupt in cheers for him.

[ Tony Schiavone ] DREW PARKER! THE URCHIN PRINCE! HE’S MADE IT THROUGH FOUR ROUNDS OF THE MOST DEPRAVED DAY OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING I HAVE EVER SEEN – AND NOW, ANY SOLID GOLD WRESTLING CHAMPION HE SO CHOOSES COULD BE IN JEOPARDY! BECAUSE THE URCHIN PRINCE…IS READY TO SEE YOU! For John Zandig, I’m Tony Schiavone – good night, everyone!

Parker sits down on the smoldering, shattered apron of the ring, still staring at the trophy, his mind no doubt running wild with the possibility of the success this victory could bring to his career. He looks up at the camera and smiles wickedly before pointing at the trophy silently as we fade to black.

End transmission.