The Oval Office.

And you thought "off world" was as wild as it could get.

There's certainly been some changes made since Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was elected the new President of the United States of America. Though the room is currently empty, we can hear a ruckus from just outside the door. Within seconds, the door is flung open from the outside, almost flying off the hinges. There's a sound of flashbulbs going off, chatter amongst reporters and White House staff, and then we see him--

The People's President.

Shirtless, covered in sweat, dirt, and sand, The Rock is clad in camouflage and combat boots from the waist down. There's blood spatter on his chest and beneath his left eye. With no fanfare, he tosses a .50 calibre machine gun onto a nearby seat. The Rock rolls his shoulders and flexes his pecs before tilting his head back and smelling the air. All across this great county, he can hear them chanting his name... he soaks it in until his moment is interrupted by the voice of his appointed Counselor to the President.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Wow, Mr. President!

She looks up at the chiseled behemoth in front of her and bats her eyes.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Just when I and the American people didn't think there were any other examples you could set for us as a country, you personally enter Afghanistan, exterminate the Taliban, and extract every single American citizen with no casualties! Would Sleepy Joe Biden have done that? I don't think so, sheeple!

She reaches out and touches The Rock's chest. He looks down at her hand and she quickly retracts, realizing she may have stepped out of line, despite her undeniable attraction to the President.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Living proof that Americans will stand up and fight for freedom, while all those refugees in cages at the border are just pussies who run away!

Without warning, The Rock raises his hand and holds it up in her face, silencing her. The American people cheer loudly. The Rock tilts his head back and smells the air... then snaps his gaze back in her direction.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] Tomi Lahren, how dare you come into The Rock's Oval Office, the place where The Rock does AMERICA'S BUSINESS... and you don't even have the common decency... TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF!?

"ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY"

She looks around, wondering where those voices are coming from.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Mr. President... you know who I am! You literally just said my name--

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!

Huge pop. An eagle screeches in the distance. The Rock nods, sweat pouring off his face. Tomi Lahren just stands silently, hands clasped in front of her.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] The more important question, Tomi Lahren, is why OH WHY did The Rock, EL PRESIDENTE UN THE STATESO THAT ARE UNITADO, just walk into THE OVAL OFFICE-- THE OFFICE NAMED AFTER THE SHAPE OF CHRISTIAN'S CAGE'S CREEPY LITTLE HEAD, AND HEAR NO ONE SINGING HIS SONG!?

She looks down at the floor, chewing her bottom lip.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] ANSWER THE QUESTION, TOMI LAHREN, COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT-- THE PRESIDENT WHO IS THE ROCK, THE PIE EATIN', FOREIGN JABRONI BEATIN', SMOTHERED, COVERED, CAPPED, PEPPERED, AND JACKED, RED WHITE AND BLUE SON OF A BITCH!

[ Tomi Lahren ] I forgot--

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] You forgot? You forgot The Rock's song!? The Rock had one request! Every single time The Rock enters a room, everyone sings The Rock's song!

The Rock tilts his head back and sings the lyrics to the tune of "Hail to the Chief," shaking his head and wagging his tongue about as spittle flies from his mouth.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] HAIL TO THE ROCK, HE'S THE ROCK AND HE NEEDS HAILING! HAIL TO THE ROCK OR YOU'LL GET THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW, YA' ROODY POO CANDY ASS!

She mumbles under her breath.

[ Tomi Lahren ] ...that doesn't even fit the friggin' tune--

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] WHAT DID TOMI LAHREN JUST SAY TO THE ROCK?!

[ Tomi Lahren ] So inspirational, Mr. President.

She sorts through some files, looking down at them in her hands for a second before looking back up at The Rock, disregarding his anger about the song.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Mr. President, were you aware that your Vice President, Keith Lee, has been organizing the THIRD EVER million man march? I thought you were going to sign an executive order to prevent this from happening again. Not since Martin Luther King, Jr. and the LAST time Keith Lee organized one of these over the top, violent, murder-protests has Washington felt more under attack. It makes me sick to think about all those criminals in one place-- they're probably even wearing masks, or worse... vaccinated!

The Rock snaps his head in her direction, pinning her in place with his icy gaze.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] The Rock thinks that's ridiculous, Tomi Lahren. Don't these jabronis know that natural immunity is the only way to combat the COVID-19 hoax!?

She nods, agreeing fully.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] As far as executive orders are concerned, the only executive order The Rock plans to put into effect immediately is to make a blonde haired, blue eyed BAY-BEH! What does Tomi Lahren think about that, huh!?

The Rock jiggles his belt and winks. She stares up at him with wide eyes.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] The President hopes ya' like long dongs.

She smiles and bites her lip. She's clearly interested before The Rock, covered in dirt, sand, sweat, and blood, waves her off.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] But first, Tomi Lahren needs to clean herself up for The Rock. And while she's at it, bring The Rock's five thousand dollar top hat!

She curls her upper lip in disgust.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Seriously, what is with you and that janky old top hat?

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] Hey! Hey hey hey! Tomi Lahren knows The Rock likes to wear The Rock's five thousand dollar top hat when he's makin' whoopie! That top hat cost The Rock five thousand dollars, ya' know!

[ Tomi Lahren ] The fact that you repeatedly call it your five thousand dollar top hat every single time you mention it makes that pretty obvious.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] That five thousand dollar top hat reminds The Rock of his glory days, when The Rock was the SGW World Heavyweight champion, invited to be the best man at Tom Cruise's wedding to the love of Tom Cruise's life, a woman with a cocaine riddled heart of gold and the physique of an intricately sculpted, curvy blonde goddess IF THE INTRICATELY SCULPTED, CURVY BLONDE GODDESS WAS DRESSED AT ALL TIMES LIKE A TWO DOLLAR, RODE HARD AND PUT UP WET, STREET WALKIN' GUTTER SLUT!

The Rock jams his finger in Tomi's face.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] CHANT IT!

She swallows, confused.

[ Tomi Lahren ] I honestly don't know what part of that you think is chantable.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] Ya' makin' Barbie Blank turn over in her grave! Go get The Rock's five thousand dollar top hat, ya' red state skank! All o' this questionin' The Rock is startin' to make The Rock's penis soft!

She huffs and walks out of the room, pushing her way through the hallway filled with reporters and staff members. The door clicks shut behind her. The Rock approaches the desk and stands behind it, looking around the room with a sense of pride. His eyes fall upon a large painting of himself. Behind him, the curtains shift.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] The Rock really did it.

He nods. A smirk appears on his face. The curtains begin to part.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] The Rock is on top of the free world.

A man in a black cloak and Ghostface mask emerges from the curtains and slides a knife between The Rock's ribs with zero effort. The Rock gasps and falls back into his chair, breathing heavily. The Rock looks up at the Ghostface mask, into those black eyes. The killer holds up the knife, blood dripping from it.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] What-- wait, Ghostface can't do this to The Rock!

Blood trickles out over The Rock's bottom lip.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] No! Nah! Uh-uh! This isn't how The Rock dies! This isn't how ya' kill THE MAIN CHARACTER, jabroni! THE ROCK IS THE MAIN CHARACTER!

The Rock stands up, blood squiring from the wound in his side... and Ghostface slashes The Rock's throat with one effortless swipe. The Rock falls back onto the desk, clutching his throat. Ghostface mounts him and raises the knife with both hands. The Rock raises one bloody hand, trembling. His voice is barely a whisper.

[ President Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson ] ...is cookin'...

The knife comes down.

Again.

And again.

And then darkness.

We fade back up with a shot of the doors to the Oval Office. They open up and Tomi Lahren enters with The Rock's top hat beneath a bulletproof glass case. She's looking down at her phone as she enters, paying no mind to the bloody scene only a few feet away from her.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Here's your stupid hat.

She sighs.

[ Tomi Lahren ] Let's get down to it. I hope saving every single one of those brave Americans made you thirsty because all this patriotism has made me wet enough to baptize a congregation--

She looks up and sees The Rock lying on his desk, his eyes wide open and staring a hole right through her. He's been eviscerated, blood and guts all over the place. She screams in horror, dropping the glass encased top hat which thunks on the carpet instead of dramatically shattering because it's bulletproof glass... would've been way cooler if it wasn't, but it is and the THUNK is what we get.

Oh, and her screams.

She screams and screams.

Static.

Fade in.

Chavo Guerrero, Jr. is pacing back and forth frantically in a narrow hallway backstage. The first SGW show in over a year begins with a Championship Committee member stressed to the max while dressed as the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz... As if this is even shocking.

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Pepe, they didn't answer! This is horrible! I need more information about this show and haven't had any luck!

The camera pans down to show Chavo's trusty sidekick, Pepe, propped against the block wall with a lion's mane glued around its head.

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] SGW returns on Halloween and Edge, Christian, and Jeff are ignoring my calls! I spent a lot of money on their costumes! We were all going to follow the GOLDEN Brick Road and return to where it all started!

[ Pepe ] ...

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] No! I know one of them was going to have to wear the Dorothy costume!

Chavo dials his phone again but finds himself interrupted by the arrival of former SGW Owner, Shane McMahon. Shane-O Mac snaps the lapels of his black suit jacket and looks Chavo up and down in disbelief.

[ Shane McMahon ] Hey, Chavito.. Don't you think it's kind of poor taste for SGW to be running a show called "SGW KILLS" literally less than twenty-fours after the President of the United States was murdered?

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Well, we've never been known as the most morally rich people over the years. People have said a lot of bad things about us!

[ Shane McMahon ] So I've heard.

A figure covered in all black clothing enters the scene. Black mask, shirt, skirt, leggings, shoes, and a long black train behind the figure.

[ Shane McMahon ] Well, I guess we don't have to look any further for who killed The Rock.

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] WHAT?! No! This is Cathy Kelley! She's wearing the costume I picked out for her!

Shane scratches the back of his head.

[ Shane McMahon ] So you chose the best looking female in SGW to cover up completely from head to toe?

[ Cathy Kelley ] I kind of thought the same, Shane. I'm apparently supposed to be Kim Kardashian from the Met Gala.

[ Shane McMahon ] That was over a month ago?

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] It's timely and iconic!

Shane and Cathy both disagree strongly.

[ Cathy Kelley ] We should all just try and get through this show and move on. After all, it was a terrible idea to begin with. Didn't anyone watch Forever? It was like, THE perfect ending and now look at SGW. A kitschy gimmick show of all things. We should all just be thankful that Rock was killed before he got here and that there's not a killer running around the Staples Center.

[ Shane McMahon ] Who booked this show anyway?

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Well, Jeff, Edge, and Christian aren't picking up. I've not talked to Trish or Bret in a year. I was told I wasn't allowed to ever book. Shane's here, Arn's here.. That leaves the only other true authority figure.. Jim Cornette!

[ Cathy Kelley ] This is the most outlaw mudshow event in SGW history. There's NO WAY Jim Cornette is in charge tonight. Besides, is it that easy? Someone just shows up and says 'hey guys, I run SGW now?'

Shane shrugs with a smirk on his face.

[ Shane McMahon ] Hell, that's what I did when Arn vanished. Just showed up to Shock one night and said I owned SGW and everyone went with it. I gave out titles and everything.

[ Cathy Kelley ] Have you guys seen the card? This show is going to be even worse than the one where Dave Batista, known rapist and drug dealer, killed Barbie Blank! This is an embarrassment to our legacy!

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Juventud Guerrera once beat an intruder with a dildo and then won the Limitless Championship. I don't think we're holding tight to a big legacy over here, Cathy.

Chavo grabs Pepe off of the wall and throws him over his shoulder.

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Let's go see if Jim is here and ask him about this mudshow. We can say we're off to see the Wizard!

[ Pepe ] ....

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Yes! The entire idea of our costumes WAS tied into that one bad joke, Pepe! I know my audience!

Chavo leads the way as Cathy and Shane reluctantly follow behind. Cathy has removed the black cover from her face and enjoys deep breaths of relief. A few doors down, Chavo stops at a door with a sign hanging from it reading "JAMES E. CORNETTE."

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Unbelievable, Pepe! Jim Cornette really is in charge tonight! What a turn of events!

[ Pepe ] ....

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] Why yes! He IS a racist old man who hates anything good in professional wrestling! You're right Pepe, Bobby Eaton was great, but he's dead!

The door to Cornette's office is cracked open, so Chavo pushes it the rest of the way in. Inside, Jim Cornette is laying face down on his desk with a broken tennis racket sticking out of his back. Blood splatters are all over the place - from the walls to the floor to the huge puddle that's accumulated next to Cornette's body on top of the desk. Chavo drops Pepe and his eyes bug out of his head at the sight.

[ Chavo Guerrero Jr. ] ...But not as dead as Jim Cornette! WHO DID THIS?!

[ Cathy Kelley ] I can't say this is the worst thing that's ever happened. Look, no one deserves to have a tennis racket broken off in them, but IF THEY DID.. Wouldn't Jim be atop the list, guys?

[ Shane McMahon ] Well gang, looks like we have a killer on the loose. On Halloween.

A tight zoom in on Shane's stoic expression.

[ Shane McMahon ] SGW Kills, all right.

Fade.

A huge bolt of lightning overtakes the screen, the ensuing clap of thunder enough to rattle through your speakers’ bass.

The flashing of light gives a great look at the exterior of a gigantic, absolutely ludicrously sized castle.

There’s another massive lightning bolt!

…but no rain? Strange.

Regardless, we cut to a much closer shot of the castle’s gates, swinging open to welcome what must surely be one of the guests to this most horrible party to come. Focusing on the castle through the massive, ornate iron gates, we catch a glimpse of a small woman, driving a bicycle equipped with training wheels up the winding driveway as she passes under the carefully placed lamps above.

A wolf howls and a colony of bats passes in front of the camera as we transition to a shot of the majestic facade of the castle, which appears to be…breathing. Odd. We swing to the left to see our first guest approaching, still driving her bright yellow bicycle up the twisting, dangerous drive. She pulls to a stop at the front entry stairs and pauses to look up at the multi-story, sprawling architecture before her.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> My, what a large castle… Okay! I must take care not to get lost inside!

Swinging her leg over the bicycle, she catches her shoelace in the chain and nearly trips face-first into the stone step, but catches herself and corrects the tangle before dusting herself off and producing a small notebook from her back pocket.

She flips open the pink cardstock cover, adorned with a yellow pencil sticker, to reveal a page of notes.

Reviewing the page for a moment, top to bottom and again to best retain the information, she pockets the notebook and removes her pink cap, straightening it and smiling at nothing in particular before speaking, again, to nothing in particular.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Okay! I will do my best!

She confidently strides up the staircase, tripping slightly over the fourth step, but recovering nicely as she reaches the top. Lulu reaches out and knocks thrice upon the heavy wooden door. Before she can call out or knock again, the door opens to reveal none other than…

[ Nameless Servant 1 ] Greetings, treasured guest! Taisetsuna hōmon-sha no minasan, kon'nichiwa!

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Hello! I have arrived for the party, Jinder-san! I cannot wait to meet you!

The nameless servant’s face scrunches, confused.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> You do not speak Japanese?

They without name shrug their shoulders and Lulu nods, knowingly, before lighting up with an idea. She points towards the bottom of your screen, indicating for the servant to observe.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> You do not speak Japanese? If not, a peculiar magic allows my words to be presented in the form of subtitles across the bottom of your screen!

She beams proudly as the nameless servant’s eyes track across them, taking them in with squinted eyes. Finished, they nod, and welcome her into the home.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Many thanks! Your kindness shall not be forgotten, Jinder-san!

Leading Miss Pencil into the main foyer, the nameless servant stops to read her subtitles, having magically appeared in a comically kawaii font at the bottom of the screen. Their face immediately shifts to one of flattered horror.

[ Nameless Servant 1 ] No! NO! I’m sorry, Miss Pencil, but you are mistaken — you see, I am not Herr Maharaja! I would DIE to be so lucky, but I am one of his many nameless servants.

Lulu pauses, reflecting on what he said before a trumpet sounds in the second-floor foyer, just past the second-floor fireplace.

[ Nameless Servant 1 ] However, Miss Pencil, your host shall be arriving in mere seconds, you see…it gives me absolute pleasure…

The servant licks their lips as their eyes flutter, indicating the level of raw pleasure they speak of. Lulu’s eyes widen slightly as she takes a step away from them without being noticed.

[ Nameless Servant 1 ] …to introduce you to the one, the only, the magnificent Modern Day Maharaja himself…

Suddenly, as if it were planned, “Sher” begins to play at top volume from every speaker in the Red Castle of Vascularity and Fear, and as it kicks into beat, the innermost chamber doors swing open to reveal —

[ Jinder Mahal ] GREETINGS, MISS PENCIL! HOW LOVELY OF YOU TO MAKE IT…

Screaming as he walks, the host of the evening strolls to the top of the staircase and pauses. His turban is a majestic maroon, beautifully dyed and adorned with golden trim. He wears a perfectly-crafted gold and maroon jacket, complete with attached velvet cape, which blows behind him as he stands. Jinder flexes, ripping his beautifully ornate cape-jacket into shreds, now only strips of very expensive fabric lying beautifully on the marble floor.

[ Jinder Mahal ] …TO YOUR FUNERAL! AND TIMELY, TOO!

Mahal cackles, rattling a priceless nautical map on a nearby wall. Pencil’s face is instantly written over with trepidation as the bulbous mass of varicose veins and musculature before her vibrates with intensity. She gulps comically and readjusts her pink cap before Sonjay Dutt approaches with a tray of drinks.

[ Sonjay Dutt ] Miss Pencil, I presume? A pleasure, to have you at Jinder Mahal’s Red Castle of Vascularity and Fear. Can I offer you a drink?

Lulu’s eyes go wide, shifting in the moment from fear to curiosity as she looks over the collection of liquids in the china port glasses. She selects what appears to be a port of pristinely white milk and takes a polite sip.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Thank you so much! This is perfectly refreshing!

Dutt pauses to read the subtitles and nods curtly, stepping into position as Jinder begins marching down the stairs, his colossal pectorals bouncing as he takes each step.

[ Jinder Mahal ] YES! ENJOY YOUR MILK, MISS PENCIL — IT SHALL BE YOUR LAST GLASS!

Lulu’s eyes grow ever wider as Jinder reaches the floor and walks up to greet her. The two stand, face-to-navel, for a moment before Jinder barks a new order.

[ Jinder Mahal ] VEER! SHANKY!

Lulu flinches at his roar, though she quickly resumes her position as the lead henchmen appear from a hallway, each carrying a silver platter. Veer’s has four Domino’s boxes, the top-most one opened wide to show off a perfect Pepperoni and Onion hand-tossed beauty, while Shanky’s has a fun variety of board games, the boxes in varying color and size, each threatening to tumble off the tray with one wrong motion.

[ Jinder Mahal ] EXCELLENT! THE PLEASANTRIES OF THE PARTY ARE PERFECT! SONJAY, EXCELLENT WORK!

Sonjay nods as Jinder grins muscularly. Before Mahal can speak again or Sonjay can reply, there’s another knock at the door. Lulu looks up, genuinely curious, but Mahal is her counterpart and screams with rage:

[ Jinder Mahal ] DOOR! OPEN YOURSELF, NOW!

The door does as it is told and swings open, revealing Rick Knox, prepared to officiate and stepping into the castle calmly. Over his shoulder, a taxi pulls away, but misses one of the many curves of the driveway and careens off the cliff to what we can assume is a very painful death.

[ Rick Knox ] …howzit, everyone? Solid Gold Wrestling sent me to referee the match. Are we ready to begin?

All eyes swing to Mahal, who looks ready to burst in fury. Before he can do so, Sonjay steps in and holds forth the platter of drinks towards Knox.

[ Jinder Mahal ] WE ABSOLUTELY ARE NOT! YOU SEE, KNOX, ONE OF OUR COMPETITORS, THE FINEST SOLID GOLD WRESTLING CAN MUSTER, HAS NOT YET ARRIVED! UNTIL WE ARE WARRIORS THREE, THEN THIS CONTEST OF FEAR SHALL NOT COMMENCE!

There is an awkward pause as everyone kind of stares at the ground or walls while Jinder seethes. Eventually, Lulu’s eyes catch wind of something on the western staircase — she throws her hand forward, pointer finger non-verbally giving a sight line to follow!

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Look there!

Every set of eyes in the room darts towards the staircase, where about halfway up, Orange Cassidy stands, leaning nonchalantly against the bannister.

[ Jinder Mahal ] WHAT?! HOW DID YOU…WHAT SORT OF…

As Mahal fumes, Orange pauses…and shrugs. Jinder begins rubbing fury from his eyes, gripping the bridge of his nose as Sonjay continues with the pre-planned pleasantries.

[ Sonjay Dutt ] Mr. Knox, thank you for coming. A pleasure, to have you at Jinder Mahal’s Red Castle of Vascularity and Fear. Can I offer you a dr—uh…

Mahal’s head snaps upward immediately, deeply offended by Sonjay’s stammering.

[ Jinder Mahal ] SONJAY! KEEP TO THE PLAN! OFFER KNOX A DRINK!

[ Sonjay Dutt ] Yes, Maharaha, right away, sir, but the drinks, sir! They’ve…they’ve changed!

Mahal stomps across the room to Dutt, investigating the tray.

[ Jinder Mahal ] WHAT?! THEY’RE ALL…

Empty. Each pre-poured port glass is now disturbingly empty.

Mahal’s neck bulges uncomfortably as he bellows in rage. Lulu’s grin is electric, spreading to you through the screen as she speaks.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> How fun! All the drinks were changed somehow to be empty! This castle is filled with mystery and adventure to be had!

Fire in his eyes, Jinder looks up the staircase to Orange Cassidy, who has lazily sauntered over to the framed Mozart sheet music on the wall and tilted it askew with a single finger, smudging the glass. Mahal roars out, infuriated.

[ Jinder Mahal ] THE TIME FOR PLEASANTRIES HAS ENDED! THE TIME FOR WAR IS NOW! ORANGE CASSIDY, YOU EMPTY-HEADED TWIT!

Lulu Pencil flinches, but OC stands firm.

[ Jinder Mahal ] TONIGHT YOU AND MISS PENCIL SHALL BE SKINNY SACRIFICES TOWARDS MY HALL OF FAME QUEST — TONIGHT, ORANGE CASSIDY, YOU SHALL DIE!

Orange gives the most half-assed lethargic thumbs up in existence and only serves to further infuriate Mahal.

[ Jinder Mahal ] KNOX! RING THE BELL!

Rick Knox shrugs, then nods his head and whips his index finger thrice towards the east.

[ Rick Knox ] RING THE BELL!

Since there is no ring bell in the foyer of the castle, nothing happens.

The match begins anyhow.

REFEREE: RICK KNOX | TIME LIMIT: NO TIME LIMIT

Jinder bellows for Shanky and Veer to “GET ORANGE CASSIDY! KILL HIM!” His henchmen do not wait for further instruction and begin; Veer places his pizza boxes on a nearby table and grabs a box labelled Chutes and Ladders from Shanky’s stack, hurling it at Orange’s head!

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Look out, Orenji-san!

Cassidy cooly takes a step down the staircase, narrowly avoiding the board game, which shatters the glass of the Mozart sheet music. Veer chucks a Scattergories box towards Orange, who catches it seamlessly and removes the top, taking the D20 within and flicking it with perfect precision at Shanky’s right eye!

[ Shanky ] OW, FUCK! MY RIGHT EYE!

In his pain, Shanky throws the box of board games into the air, all the pieces emptying onto the floor as he smacks Veer, the both of them landing back-first on the unforgiving marble, tons of plastic bits and bobs only making it an even worse landing!

Suddenly, we’re joined via satellite by three voices we’ve not heard in over a year.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Folks, I cannot think of a better, more scintillating contest to welcome you back to Solid Gold Wrestling than this one — a stunning affair that will go down in history with the Hackenschmidts, Gotches, and Ice Trains of the world over!

[ Scott Steiner ] WHAT THE FUCK?!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Hi folks, Tony Schiavone here, your effervescent voice of Solid Gold Wrestling here as always with my broadcast team — first of all, my very best friend in the world, Mr. Nigel McGuinness! Nigel, how’s it been, old bean? I’ve not been able to reach you at the number you left me with in Oklahoma City!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] A shame, indeed, Tony, but fate has truly shown its disdain for me tonight, as I have returned to this land of lunacy, Solid Gold Wrestling.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Ha ha ha! Ole buddy, you’re a perfect kidder! With us, as well, providing an excellent look at the in-ring mentality for our competitors, SGW Hall of Fame and former SGW World Heavyweight Champion, “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner! Scott, a pleasure as always!

[ Scott Steiner ] FIRST OF ALL — YOUS’ DON’T KNOW SHIT…ABOUT PLEASURE! AND SECONDLYS-OF-ALL, WHO THE FUCK LIED TO YOU — AND SAID YOU PLEASURED ‘EM ALL THE TIME! I KNOW YOUR WIFE…THE VOLUPTUOUS FREAK SHE IS…WOULDN’T DARE LIE LIKE THAT! MOST SECONDLY, FUCK YOU, SCHIAVONE! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TRASH?!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Ah ha! Excellent banter, my partner, welcome back to you, as well!

Elsewhere in the foyer, Jinder Mahal has stormed towards Lulu Pencil, swinging wild left and right hands towards her with reckless abandon. Quickly consulting her notebook for help as Jinder removes his stuck arm from a wooden column in the foyer, she speaks with great confidence in rhyme:

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated, in sing-song voice> Oh, Mahal-san, your arms are so broad; I think it is nice when your servants offer beverages! I wonder politely, if I might ask you today; what in your life brings you the most internal spark of joy?

She drops to a single knee, arms up high and spirit fingers wiggling as Jinder frees himself, stalking over slowly whilst reading the slowly-fading subtitles.

[ Jinder Mahal ] MY BUSINESS — MYSELF, MY RELIGION — MYSELF, AND MY MONEY — MADE BY MYSELF — THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY!

Lulu gulps, her eyes wider than saucers as Jinder approaches. She quickly pulls out her notebook and counts off points—

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Oh no! So terrifyingly impolite — and terrifyingly muscular!

Jinder finally reaches his guest, snarling.

[ Jinder Mahal ] …I KNOW!

He plants a boot in her chest, kicking her backwards into the glass doors of a curio cabinet like something out of 300. Her body crashes through the doors and glass goes everywhere, the priceless knick-knacks falling precariously off her head and into the floor, where they shatter to join the former pieces of the doors.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] If Miss Pencil hopes to survive this matchup, she will need to utilize any speed and stealth she can muster, as she is simply far too inexperienced to survive this sort of death match environment with Jinder Mahal!

Meanwhile, Orange Cassidy has managed to bring himself down the staircase and over to Sonjay Dutt, where he grabs an empty flute glass — which is inexplicably now filled with orange juice.

[ Sonjay Dutt ] What?! How the—

[ Jinder Mahal ] ORANGE CASSIDY!

Orange lazily arcs his view, obscured behind his classic aviators, towards Jinder, who snorts not unlike a full-grown bull at him. Behind him, Shanky and Veer are slowly rising to their feet and crawl to their quarters, wisely retreating from this nonsense. Jinder reaches over to a suit of armor and produces its’ mace, a heavy medieval weapon comprised of a spiked iron ball, hanging from a chain and attached to a thick club.

[ Jinder Mahal ] NOW YOU SHALL DIE LIKE MISS PENCIL!

Orange lifts an eyebrow halfway and shrugs, one corner of his mouth barely lifting to show the slightest sign of apathy. He nonchalantly pours the flute of juice out, all over the marble flooring, surely staining it.

Sonjay faints.

[ Jinder Mahal ] BASTARD!

Mahal charges, mace swinging, and broadly swipes it towards Orange’s head, but at the last moment, Cassidy drops down and then kips up, avoiding disaster! Mahal, however, makes more disaster for himself, smashing the mace through what appears to be a life-size replica of Da Vinci’s “David.” The mace stuck deep within the marble, Jinder bellows for assistance. Orange is the one to give it, nudging the statue slowly until it falls over, pinning Jinder to the ground! Knox considers counting, but remembers that an imitation David statue is not part of this contest, and so refrains.

Answering the call for help are Jinder’s two prized henchmen; from their bedroom comes Shanky and Veer, each holding one side of their newly-made bunk beds — except, there’s a puzzling new addition to the construction.

[ Tony Schiavone ] I’ll be, that bed looks as if it’s been constructed with rudimentary TNT!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] DYNAMITE?!

[ Scott Steiner ] JUST WHAT FUCKIN’ COMPANY ARE WE WORKIN’ FOR, ANYWAYS?!

Planting the bed down near the east staircase, Veer swings wildly at Orange, who climbs onto the bottom bunk and rolls across to the other side, avoiding it. As he rises, he comes face-to-face with Shanky, who takes a super-soft kick to the shins! Shanky no-sells them, staring daggers into OC as the fans in the Staples Center roar with approval! Eventually, Orange steps back, preparing the largest of the kicks, but Veer grabs him around the arms and squeezes, draining life from OC. Eventually, Shanky joins him and the pair launch OC up, onto the top bunk of the bed, where he crashes face first into the mattress!

Veer jabs towards the top bunk, sending Shanky up to “FINISH HIM!” Shanky begrudgingly begins to climb the child-sized ladder to the top bunk, where OC begins to rise! Narrowly avoiding his beefy captor-to-be, Orange leaps onto the bannister of the east staircase and climbs over, safely on the stairs as he readjusts his hair.

[ Veer ] FOLLOW!

As Veer disappears, running to help pry Jinder out from under the statue, Shanky hops over to the bannister, nearly falling backwards onto the top bunk, but hanging on! He stabilizes his own grip, but looks up — and is face-to-face with Orange Cassidy! OC reaches over nonchalantly and begins tickling Shanky beneath his arms!

[ Scott Steiner ] WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!

After a moment, Shanky releases his grip and goes tumbling down, crashing through the top bunk, being held precariously in place by the crossing boards of the bunk’s supports, awkwardly and painfully pinning him within! Veer rushes to the bottom of the stairs, growling before pointing up at Orange!

[ Veer ] I’ll end you!

Before Veer can make good on his loose threat, Orange hops onto the bannister and begins sliding down, launching off the bottom and blasting Veer in the jaw with the —

[ Tony Schiavone ] ORANGE PUNCH! ORANGE PUNCH!

Veer is out cold on the floor as Orange surveys the scenery and wanders over to Lulu, whose head is still rotating slowly on her neck’s axis, and pulls her up slowly. Referee Rick Knox runs over, eyes wide, and speaks.

[ Rick Knox ] Excellent idea, Orange — let’s get the hell out of here!

With one of Lulu’s arms around each of Orange and Knox, the trio begin making their way towards the door until --

REVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRUNNNN—RUNNNNN—RUNNN!!!

The unmistakable sounds of an engine revving are the first indications of trouble, only matched by a set of doors being burst down to reveal —

[ Nigel McGuinness ] You’ll have to excuse me, gentlemen, but is Jinder Mahal driving a GRAND PIANO?!

— surely enough, Jinder Mahal at the wheel of his Custom-Made Off-Road Grand Piano! ‘At the wheel’ is actually a bad expression, as the vehicle appears to be controlled by the keys and pedals, which have, of course, been fitted to add ‘gas’ and ‘break’ pedals aside from the traditional piano’s three. Jinder’s face is scratched and bleeding, but is written with rage.

[ Jinder Mahal ] DIIIIIIIE!

He revs the engine again before pointing ominously at the trio in the doorway! He smashes down on the gas pedal and begins playing a tune! Not realizing that Shanky is on the bunk beds, Mahal continues plowing ahead, but fortunately Shanky can only just leap and grip onto the edge of the bannister as Mahal’s piano throws the bunk beds ahead —

[ Rick Knox ] MOVE!

Knox dives to the left as Orange and Lulu bolt to the right of the door, leaving no one but door for the bunk beds to strike as they EXPLODE! The heavy wooden doors are blown to bits, leaving a huge hole for Jinder’s commandeered piano to fit through, plowing down the staircase recklessly until it flips to it’s side, launching Jinder onto the driveway in a heap!

[ Scott Steiner ] HOLY FUCK!

Orange, Lulu, and Knox quickly reconvene and begin limping down the front stairs, trying their best to find a way out of this insanity. Moving slowly past Jinder’s body, Knox notices many doors of the garage wing are open and runs in to check the first one, opened up to reveal a lovely Bentley Bentayga! Knox looks into the driver’s side window towards the ignition and reports —

[ Rick Knox ] NO KEYS!

Scared, Lulu rushes to the second open garage door and scampers inside to find a blood-red Aston Martin DBS Superleggera. Her eyes go wide, as this is far and away the most expensive car she has ever seen. She, too, checks the ignition and reports:

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Rotten luck, friends! The keys are nowhere to be found! Sad!

Orange, realizing he too, should be concerned for their lives, decides to indifferently stroll to the third open doorway and passively climb up the jetway staircase to peek into the driver’s side window of…

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …that cannot be…

…the Grave Digger Monster Truck.

The fans in the Staples Center are nuclear as Orange peers into the ignition, Knox and Lulu looking on with hope.

He produces a feeble thumbs up and the arena loses its mind.

Meanwhile, back at the entrance, Shanky and Veer begin hobbling down the stairs to find their employer, scarred from his launch down the staircase. The pair team up and right the Off-Road Grand Piano, which has sustained a few scratches, but seems fine. The pair help Jinder off the ground and he screams angrily.

[ Jinder Mahal ] WHERE…THE FUCK! ARE THEY?!

[ Shanky ] We do not know, Maharaja! This party has gone startlingly unaccording to plan thus far!

[ Veer ] Indeed, nary a bite of pizza has been eaten! I studied the perfect topping combinations for WEEKS!

Mahal overhand slaps them both in the genitals as he cracks his neck, the traps on either side looking like footballs have been shoved beneath his skin.

[ Jinder Mahal ] ENOUGH! I PAY YOU TO DO AS I SAY AND I DEMAND THAT YOU TWO USELE—

HONK HONK!

Mahal’s eyes track slowly to the sound of the noise, the garage wing, where the Grave Digger truck, being driven by Orange Cassidy with Lulu Pencil and Rick Knox in tow, comes speeding through, down the driveway and on its way out of the Red Castle of Vascularity and Fear!

[ Jinder Mahal ] SONJAY! CLOSE THE GATES!!

A feeble, faint whisper is heard inside the castle and a whirring off-screen, far in the distance sounds. Mahal leaps behind the keys of the piano and starts the ignition, firing it up!

[ Jinder Mahal ] WE RIDE, GENTLEMEN!

From the hole in the front of the castle limps Sonjay, who tosses two helmets down to Veer. He dons the first and hands the other to Jinder, who straps it on. Shrugging, Veer and Shanky each take a seat on top of the off-road piano and it speeds off, charging after the Grave Digger truck!

Inside the truck, Lulu notices the piano gaining ground as the crowd cheer voraciously in the Staples Center.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> Oh no, Orenji-san! They are gaining speed! And lo! The gates close!

Orange doesn’t reply, only eyeing a certain lever on the dashboard as they approach the gates at nearly 75 MPH.

[ Rick Knox ] …Orange, dammit, no!

Cassidy pulls the lever and the truck’s shocks seem to compact, launching it onto it’s back wheels, wheelie-ing through the iron gates and onto the main highway as the fans erupt with cheers!

[ Rick Knox ] SON OF A BITCH!!

[ Lulu Pencil ] <translated> At least we are alive, Mr. Knox! Thank you, Orenji-san! Your passive heroics are inspiring! I shall try to be this strong!

As Grave Digger hauls ass down the highway, the trio has no idea that Jinder, Shanky, and Veer are giving chase on the off-road grand piano, headed towards the city.

WINNER
????

Back at the hole in the front of the castle, Sonjay Dutt faints.

We cut back to the arena.

Everything is moving in slow motion.

Medical staff and SGW officials are all running in one direction. They converge in a single spot where we see someone lying on the concrete floor. SGW road agents Justin Credible and Tommy Dreamer are kneeling next to Shane McMahon... or what's left of him. The medical staff don't even need to assess the situation to know they're too late. He's been repeatedly stabbed and his mouth is stuffed full of hundred dollar bills-- here comes the money, indeed.

[ Tommy Dreamer ] I tried to save him, I did my best but it was too late! I'm willing to do anything for professional wrestling, but even my undying passion for this business wasn't enough to raise Shane-O-Mac from the dead!

He pounds Shane on the chest and blood squirts from a dozen open wounds.

[ Tommy Dreamer ] It should've been me! God dammit, I would have died for this sport!

Justin Credible just stares blankly at Dreamer and shakes his head.

[ Justin Credible ] Okay, I'm out.

Without another word, Credible stands up and leaves the scene. Dreamer begins openly weeping over the corpse of Shane McMahon. Balling up his taped fists and pressing them into his eyes, his body rocks with pure unadulterated sorrow.

[ Tommy Dreamer ] SGWx was fuckin' genius, Shane. Not that weird version with Kevin Nash as Tarzan fighting Peter Avalon as Scrumbuddy-- Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that?! But the real SGWx... the one where Eugene got laid by Trish Stratus. The good one, that's the one I'm talkin' about... S-G-fuckin'-W, man.

The camera pans over to reveal Arn Anderson and Brock Anderson watching what's going on. Arn is red in the face, unable to believe what he's seeing. He shakes his head in disgust.

[ Arn Anderson ] We need to clear out, son. We don't want no part of this.

He pats Brock on the back.

[ Arn Anderson ] There ain't no love lost between me and Shane McMahon, but nobody deserves to go like that. Let's get ready for your match so you can get that piece o' gold from around Alex Shelley's waist, then get the hell outta' here.

Before they can go, however, Vince Russo walks into the shot with Alex Shelley in tow. Shelley has the SGW Intercontinental Championship over his shoulder. The live crowd boos loudly. In the distance, we see Shane McMahon being placed in a body bag. Russo looks at Anderson with a smug grin.

[ Vince Russo ] What a god damn shame. I bet dis gets ya' dick all hard 'n shit, don't it, Anderson? After all, isn't dis what you've wanted all along? T' see the man that stole SGW from you put in the god damn ground?

Anderson steps to Russo, getting right in his face.

[ Arn Anderson ] You son of a bitch. How dare you accuse me of doin' somethin' as awful as this?

[ Vince Russo ] All I'm sayin' is it's mighty fuckin' convenient how you 'n Shane McMahon are in SGW at the same time for one night, and one o' you ends up graveyard fuckin' dead.

Shelley shakes his head.

[ Alex Shelley ] Yeah, really convenient, Anderson.

Anderson turns and points at Shelley angrily.

[ Arn Anderson ] You shut your damn mouth, you no good punk. Me and Shane McMahon have been in the same arena more than a couple times and ain't nobody turned up dead 'til now. We made our peace long ago.

Shelley slaps Russo on the shoulder, suddenly nervous.

[ Alex Shelley ] Did you see that look!? Those are the eyes of a murderer, Vinnie Ru!

Brock Anderson steps up and shoves Shelley, getting right in his face.

[ Brock Anderson ] I'll show you the eyes of a murderer!

Shelley goes forehead to forehead with Brock. They push against one another.

[ Alex Shelley ] Oh, I bet you could! Haven't you ever heard that being capable of murder is a genetic trait!? He just admitted to having the murder gene! This guy--

He backs away and points at Brock frantically.

[ Alex Shelley ] --IS OUR MURDERER!

Brock suddenly punches Shelley and they tie up! Shelley and Brock scuffle with Russo and Anderson trying to pull them apart. Finally, security separates them and drags them away from the scene. As they're taken away in one direction, medical staff pushes Shane's stretcher away in the other. As they depart the scene, they pass by Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross, who are sipping from oversized coffee mugs. Alexa's eyes are cut in the direction of Shelley and Anderson's brawl. With the Seven Star Pro Women's World Championship sitting between her and Cross, Alexa rolls her eyes in disgust.

[ Alexa Bliss ] Seriously, Nikki, some of the guys in this place are bigger gashes than the girls could ever hope to be. Let's go get ready for my match. First and last SGW Women's World Champion or not, that idiot hooker isn't gonna know what hit her.

Nikki rubs her stomach nervously.

[ Nikki Cross ] I'm joost worried 'bout dis slasher on de' loose, Lexi. De' Rock, Jim Cornette, now Shane McMahon... I'm joost hopin' ah'm not next, ya' know!

Alexa just stares at Nikki Cross.

[ Alexa Bliss ] You're seriously comparing yourself to The Rock, Jim Cornette, and Shane McMahon? Those were important people in Solid Gold Wrestling. You're like, less than nobody--

[ Nikki Cross ] Thanks, Lexi. Dat makes meh feel so much--

Nikki's thought is interrupted when Alexa drops her mug and it shatters on the ground.

[ Alexa Bliss ] Wait, that means I'M in danger!

[ Nikki Cross ] OH NOO'!

[ Alexa Bliss ] I mean, who's more important than me, right?! Quick, protect me with your fat doughy body on the way back to our dressing room. That way, if there's an attempt made on my life, you can take two or three good stabs before you'd even notice, right? I mean, you might even live... it's highly improbable that our killer has a knife big or sharp enough to cut off your giant potato head.

Nikki Cross stares at Alexa with a vacant look on her face and slowly nods.

[ Nikki Cross ] It would be mah honor t' die so dat yew may live, Lexi.

Alexa smiles and caresses Nikki's face.

[ Alexa Bliss ] That's why you're my best friend.

And then her smile immediately drops.

[ Alexa Bliss ] Now, get me back to my dressing room alive, slaughter pig!

Alexa stands behind Nikki, holding her shoulders as Nikki begins walking toward their dressing room. We fade out on a shot of the Seven Star Pro Women's World Champion hiding behind Nikki as their journey begins.

REFEREE: AUBREY EDWARDS | TIME LIMIT: 30:00

Kagetsu and Jamie Hayter stand across the ring from one another as Aubrey Edwards draws attention to the two metal tubs filled with water at ringside, apples floating in each. Kayla Braxton explains that there is a stipulation written on each apple, and that each apple retrieved by a competitor will put a stipulation in plan until a winner is decided.

[ Scott Steiner ] I ain't gonna lie t' you guys, but this is fuckin' stupid.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Stupid-awesome, I agree!

[ Scott Steiner ] Hey, that's not what I fuckin' meant--

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Kagetsu and Jamie Hayta' are two of the premier talents in the women's wrestling scene, gentlemen. This match has the potential t' be one o' the finer women's contests in the history of Solid Gold Wrestling!

Aubrey calls for the bell and both competitors meet in the center of the ring. Given their pasts in Oedo Tai, they shake hands-- but then betray one another with kicks to the stomach! The fans cheer loudly as Hayter and Kagetsu go to work, trading blows before Kagetsu executes a go-behind and plants Hayter with a release German suplex! Kagetsu quickly scurries out of the ring and dunks her head in a barrel, plucking an apple out with ease! Aubrey retrieves the apple and signals to Kayla Braxton... Braxton quickly reveals the stipulation to the fans!

[ Kayla Braxton ] Ladies and gentlemen, with Kagetsu's first apple, the winner of this match may only be determined... BY SUBMISSION!

STIPULATION #1
SUBMISSION MATCH

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh my goodness, what a turn of events! You have to believe that Jamie Hayter was pleased t' hear that, whether it was Kagetsu's apple or not!

The fans pop huge! Kagetsu turns around and gets nailed by a SUICIDE DIVE from Hayter! Hayter pummels Kagetsu with forearms before whipping her hard into the ring steps! Kagetsu is out of it and Hayter goes for an apple of her own! After a few seconds, she comes up with an apple in her mouth! Edwards takes the apple and relays the message to Braxton, who quickly informs us that:

[ Kayla Braxton ] Ladies and gentlemen... Jamie Hayter has drawn her first apple, and now she must TIE ONE HAND BEHIND HER BACK!

STIPULATION #2
HAYTER MUST TIE ONE HAND BEHIND BACK

[ Tony Schiavone ] Oh my! How is Jamie Hayter going to force Kagetsu to submit with only one arm!? What a conundrum our triple thick gaijin has found herself in now!

[ Scott Steiner ] Did you say triple thick, you fucking nerd!?

Hayter freaks out, shouting "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" Aubrey takes a piece of rope and secures Hayter's hand behind her back just in time for Kagetsu to collect herself and attack Hayter from behind! Kagetsu tosses Hayter under the bottom rope and follows her inside. Kagetsu is clearly enjoying herself as he kicks and stomps at Hayter on the mat. From the mat, Hayter uses her legs to push Kagetsu off and rolls back to her feet. Hayter charges at her and nails her with a shotgun dropkick that sends her ragdolling backward into the corner!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What a shot by Jamie Hayta'!

[ Scott Steiner ] Look, I'm not sayin' Jamie Hayter is fucked or nothin', but havin' one arm tied behind your back in a submission match? She's fucked! Sure, she just did that fancy ass dropkick but what's she gonna do now? She can't apply a figure four with one arm! She can't do a Boston Crab with one arm! She needs to lie down, let Kagetsu finish her off, then spend some time with me and I'll show her what kind of submission moves I can do with BOTH of her hands tied behind her back!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Oh my!

Hayter stomps away at Kagetsu in the corner until Kagetsu rolls under the bottom rope, taking a lap to collect herself. Hayter goes for a baseball slide but Kagetsu dodges it and grabs Hayter's ankles, yanking her out of the ring and shoving her backward into the guard rail. Kagetsu lights her up with a series of chops before trash canning her over the rail and into the front row. Kagetsu then goes for her second apple, slinging water over her head as she emerges with an apple in her mouth! Aubrey looks at the apple and nods approvingly, tossing it to Kayla who lets us know what's up!

[ Kayla Braxton ] Ladies and gentlemen, with Kagetsu's second apple... this match will now be contested inside a STEEL CAGE!

STIPULATION #3
STEEL CAGE MATCH

[ Scott Steiner ] A steel cage!? Holy shit! They're just throwin' everything at the wall and seein' what sticks, huh!?

[ Tony Schiavone ] You never know what kind of stipulation you might draw in the infamous Bobbing for Gimmicks match!

The fans pop huge as a steel cage is slowly lowered around the entire ringside area, cell-style! Jamie scrambles over the rail with one hand and makes it just in time for the cage to touch down! Kagetsu charges at her but Jamie catches her with a drop toe hold, forcing her to eat the side of the cage! Hayter boots Kagetsu in the back a couple times before heading over to the metal tub. She takes a deep breath and goes in, pulling the fourth apple from within! Aubrey takes it and looks genuinely concerned for a moment before shrugging and tossing it to Kayla.

[ Kayla Braxton ] Um... ladies and gentlemen... with our fourth apple of the evening, this match will now become... AN INFERNO MATCH!

STIPULATION #4
INFERNO MATCH

[ Scott Steiner ] Ya' gotta' be kiddin' me, right?! RIGHT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Scotty, it looks like we're on the cusp of seein' the first eva' FLAMING CAGE SUBMISSION MATCH in Solid Gold Wrestling history!

[ Scott Steiner ] God damn, if Jim Cornette wasn't already dead, this would kill his ass for sure!

Jamie doesn't seem too impressed by this. Kagetsu uses the cage to pull herself back to her feet, letting go just in time for... THE CAGE TO GO UP IN FLAMES! Random patches on the cage are on fire! Kagetsu and Hayter look at each other, each wondering what they're supposed to do with this shit. Finally, they just charge at one another and Kagetsu cuts Hayter off with a boot to the stomach before hitting her with a SNAP SUPLEX on the floor, almost sending Hayter's feet into a patch of flame!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Wow, that could have been a nasty burn if she had gotten any closer, guys!

[ Scott Steiner ] If I'm these bitches, I'm gettin' in the ring and I ain't getting back out there so I can get burned up for a hotdog and a handshake! This is bullshit! What's even on the line!?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] The honor of coming out victorious at an SGW event!

[ Scott Steiner ] So nothin', right! That's what I thought! Stay in the ring!

Hayter slowly returns to her feet and Kagetsu charges at her with a SHOTGUN DROPKICK but Hayter falls out of the way and Kagetsu's feet go straight into a patch of fire! Her baggy pants catch on fire, but luckily a member of the ring crew is RIGHT THERE with a fire extinguisher to put them out! Hayter is up and snags a handful of Kagetsu's hair with one hand before guiding her toward the apron. Kagetsu elbows Hayter and takes over, throwing her under the bottom rope and running to the tub, and diving for another apple! She comes up with one and Aubrey delivers it to Braxton!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Another apple for Kagetsu!

[ Kayla Braxton ] Ladies and gentlemen, our fifth apple... says that Jamie Hayter must wear a BLINDFOLD for the rest of the match!

STIPULATION #5
HAYTER MUST WEAR BLINDFOLD

[ Scott Steiner ] Oh come on! Just put 'er outta her misery already!

Hayter loses her shit as Aubrey hits the ring with a blindfold and covers her eyes with it! Kagetsu climbs to the top rope from the outside and perches on the top, waiting for Hayter to turn around. Blind, Hayter turns and gets a MISSILE DROPKICK RIGHT TO THE FACE!

[ Scott Steiner ] Damn, that face is busted now!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] You've got t' give it t' Jamie Hayta', gentlemen. One arm, flyin' blind, but she continues to fight! When SGW kicked back up in 2019, Jamie Hayta' was 'ere 'n givin' it t' Naomi, 'n she's still 'ere now, givin' Kagetsu all she's bloody got!

Kagetsu goes to work, destroying Hayter with forearms, stomps, and suplexes before dumping her through the ropes! Kagetsu tries to smash Hayter face first into the flaming cage but Hayter gets her boot up, blocking herself from going any further before elbowing Kagetsu with her free arm and planting her with a DDT on the floor! Hayter struggles back to her feet and begins yelling at Aubrey to come closer. Finally, Aubrey does and Hayter snatches her by the shirt and drags her around, yelling at her to take her to one of the tubs! Hayter feels for it and finds it, then yells at Aubrey to get an apple for her because she can't see! "I'm fuckin' blind, Aubrey! You have t' do this for me! It's only fair! I'm bloody handicapped!" She grabs Aubrey by the hair and shoves her face into the tub! Aubrey emerges with an apple and Hayter snatches it out of her mouth and throws it in Kayla's general direction. She points nowhere near Kayla and begins shouting "READ IT! READ THE BLOODY APPLE!"

[ Kayla Braxton ] Um, if we're considering this one official... then I guess that Jamie Hayter may have outside help that's freely allowed to interfere in the match!

STIPULATION #6
BEA PRIESTLEY MAY FREELY INTERFERE

[ Scott Steiner ] It better be friggin' official! That big booty goddess is givin' it everything she's got! She earned that apple and the extra help, god dammit!

[ Tony Schiavone ] But how will her help get inside the flaming cage of doom!?

The fans boo loudly as Bea Priestley runs out from the back but looks around at the flaming cage and has no idea how she's supposed to get inside. As Hayter wanders around aimlessly, crying out "BEA! BEA! WHERE THE BLOODY 'ELL ARE YOU!?" Bea wanders around outside, looking like a lost puppy dog. Before Bea can figure out a way inside, she's suddenly attacked from behind by Mayu Iwatani, Sumire Natsu, and Natsuko Tora! Natsuko and Sumire hold Priestley up on her knees so that Mayu can tee off with a chairshot straight to the head! Priestley goes down in a heap!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Well, so much for that stipluation, eh!?

[ Tony Schiavone ] That dastardly Mayu! Kagetsu's chosen one was happy to do the dirty work!

Hayter has no idea what's happening, unable to see anything going on. Kagetsu struggles back to her feet and violently throws Hayter back into the ring. Furious, Hayter rolls back to her feet, screams "FUCK THIS!" and rips off her blindfold... only to turn right around into a FACE FULL OF MIST FROM KAGETSU! Hayter shrieks and Kagetsu leaps, pulling Hayter down into a KIMURA, really cranking on the arm that's already tied behind Hayter's back! Unable to escape, Hayter immediately taps out!

WINNER
KAGETSU via SUBMISSION in 11:01

Once the bell has rung, the cage is slowly raised up away from the ring. Kagetsu remains on her knees next to Hayter. Tora, Iwatani, and Natsu enter the ring and help Kagetsu to her feet as "Oedo Ranbu" plays loudly. Kagetsu offers Hayter a nod of respect before raising two middle fingers and exiting the ring with Oedo Tai following behind her.

[ Tony Schiavone ] What a match! I don't see how anything else can top the balls to the wall insanity that we've witnessed so far tonight! I'd go so far as to say that the rest of our talented women's division should count themselves lucky that Kagetsu wasn't around throughout 2020!

Aubrey Edwards unfastens Hayter's arm from behind her back and helps her out of the ring as some officials come down to check on Bea Priestley. We fade to black on a shot of Hayter using the ropes to maintain her balance, a look of great pain on her face.

Secret Service Agents flood into the backstage area, mapping out the surroundings and clearing all personnel out of the vicinity. The Vice President of the United States, Keith Lee, decked out in a navy suit with a bright red necktie, makes his way through the sea of agents. He notices the camera and speaks directly to us in his most dignified tone.

[ Vice President Keith Lee ] My fellow Americans. I am here tonight, at SGW KILLS, to address the death of President Dwayne Johnson. It is with great sorrow to deliver this news to you on such an important holiday in our nation's historic history.

He shakes his head, realizing his poor grammar while trying to act presidential.

[ Vice President Keith Lee ] After this tragic event unfolded, I participated in the transfer of power, and I am now YOUR President.

Choking up, the president breathes deeply and even milks it by blowing into his fist, trying to hold back his emotions.

[ President Keith Lee ] My first order of business is to assure everyone that the long, national nightmare is over.

President Johnson's killer was caught so quickly?

[ President Keith Lee ] From the moment I placed my hand on that Bible, I knew this was the first thing I had to accomplish.

President Lee puffs his chest out proudly. His tone switches effortlessly from mourning to prideful.

[ President Keith Lee ] I have issued an executive order requiring all statues of my brother, Robert E. Lee, be re-erected to all of their rightful places. Folks, you cannot ignore the importance of our nation's history. You can try to rewrite it all you want, but at the end of the day, our nation's history is beautiful, wonderful, and darn near perfect. General Lee's statues will come back.. And they will be double the size that they were before hand. Try to rewrite history if you want, but your president will rewrite it doubly in size. And that's a promise!

President Lee awaits a round of applause that does not come.

[ President Keith Lee ] And as for President Johnson, whether it was Tomi Lahren that killed him, one of my allies, or just some random crackhead off the street, that killer will be brought to justice. After my brother's statues are resurrected from the fiery flames of injustice.

Bryan Danielson pushes aside a half dozen Secret Service Agents until he gets to President Lee. Danielson has the SGW Triple Crown Championship draped over his right shoulder, the overhead lights of the arena reflecting brightly.

[ Bryan Danielson ] Mr. President, I just have one thing to say to you.

Danielson steps closer.

[ Bryan Danielson ] You are nothing but a piece.. of.. shit!

[ President Keith Lee ] My fellow American, let-

[ Bryan Danielson ] I have a little bit of time before I take care of Eddie Kingston tonight.

President Lee keeps an agent between himself and Danielson, who is foaming at the mouth at this point.

[ Bryan Danielson ] A hell of a lot of people have died so far tonight, and it'd be a shame to add a second president to that list. So what do you say, KEITH? Huh? You wanna' get your fucking head kicked in or what?

[ President Keith Lee ] My fellow American, violence is not the answer.

[ Bryan Danielson ] You don't even know my name, you fucking idiot?

Lee chuckles as Danielson is ready to pounce at any second.

[ President Keith Lee ] If you couldn't already tell, I have a lot bigger fish to fry tonight than you, Bryan Danielson.

Maybe he knows Danielson's name after all? Maybe it was a lucky guess?

Lee reaches into his breast pocket of his suit and pulls out a business card and hands it to Danielson.

[ President Keith Lee ] Vote early and vote often.

Secret Service swarm the new president and escort him away from the Triple Crown Champion. Danielson rips the card in half and throws it on the floor.

A moment passes and Danielson bends down, picks the card up, and puts it in a nearby recycling bin.

He's pissed off.

But not too pissed off to destroy his planet.

REFEREE: JUSTIN CREDIBLE | TIME LIMIT: NO TIME LIMIT

Brian Pillman walks alongside the referee for tonight's bought, Justin Credible, through an empty corn maze. A few makeshift lights have been set up, but the majority of the lighting is from the full moon that hangs directly above. Pillman looks around, waiting for Mox at any second.

[ Brian Pillman ] C'MON MOX! FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!

Pillman swipes a few rows of corn stalks, ruffling them back and forth. He passes three scarecrows lined up side-by-side. He punches the one in the center, sending its head and stuffing flying into the air. Justin Credible shrugs his shoulders as Pillman turns from the scarecrows and walks through the maze's path. Justin Credible stops dead in his tracks.

[ Justin Credible ] What the fuck?

[ Brian Pillman ] What?

[ Justin Credible ] That scarecrow absolutely moved.. I think.

[ Brian Pillman ] What do you mean "you think" it moved? It either did or it didn't.

Pillman huffs at Credible and returns to the remaining two to investigate. Before he gets close, the scarecrow on the left jumps off of its perch and clotheslines Pillman to the ground! The scarecrow rips off his mask and it's Moxley! Credible wipes his brow in relief.

[ Justin Credible ] I'm high as shit off mushrooms, so if that wasn't Mox inside that suit, I was going to go lie down.

The fight is ugly and nothing but a brawl. Without ropes or turnbuckles, it leaves the two men to do nothing but duke it out with stiff right hands and kicks. Moxley whips Pillman into the remaining scarecrow, sending it crashing to the ground. Mox picks the stick it was mounted to up and effortlessly breaks it over Pillman's back with one sickening swing. Pillman throws dirt in Moxley's eyes and body slams him hard to the ground.

[ Tony Schiavone ] What an ugly fight this has been so far.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I was really hoping we would not have to cover this one.

[ Scott Steiner ] THE MAN BEHIND THIS MATCH HATES DOING THIS SHIT SO HE THREW US IN TO MAKE IT LOOK BIGGER! IT'S WHAT BIG POPPA PUMP DOES BY SHAVIN' HIS BALLS WHEN A FREAK NEEDS SOME SATISFACTION!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Scott, I do the same thing. I really do. Lois loves it and it gives me a low-key big hog.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What have I done to deserve this?

Back to the action, Mox and Pillman are rolling around in the dirt with Justin Credible standing back and letting them go at it. Mox rolls Pillman over and pins his shoulders to the ground and begins strangling Pillman with his bare hands. Pillman's face turns multiple shades of red before his eyes begin floating and rolling back in his head.

It looks like a grim ending for Brian Pillman until.

VROOM! VROOM!

[ Tony Schiavone ] As the internet fans love to chant, guys, "HOLY SHIT!" Look! It's Orange Cassidy and company in Grave Digger!

Moxley releases his death grip on Pillman's throat as the Orange Cassidy-driven monster truck barrels its way through the corn maze and coming to rest on top of hay bales. Cassidy, Lulu Pencil, and Rick Knox get out of the truck and Moxley dusts himself off to confront them.

[ Jon Moxley ] Can't you see we're in the middle of somethin' right now?

[ Rick Knox ] We're terribly sorry, Jon. You see, it started off-

Moxley punches Rick Knox right between the eyes, sending Knox flying backwards comedically with his arms flailing above his head. Mox's scowl greets Cassidy and Lulu.

[ Jon Moxley ] Now, if you don't mind, I have some business to finish here.. In the middle of a goddamn corn maze.

Moxley spits on the ground.

[ Jon Moxley ] This entire show is a bunch of bullshit.

[ Orange Cassidy ] Yeah.

Low blow from Pillman! Pillman takes the opening and suplexes Moxley on the ground! But wait! HERE'S JINDER MAHAL'S PIANO CAR THING! It catches up to Grave Digger, crashing into the side of it. Jinder and his crew exit the piano and start brawling with Orange Cassidy. Lulu Pencil runs in fear and stops at the piano car, a sound catching her attention.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <Hello?>

A TIGER BUSTS OUT FROM INSIDE THE PIANO! IT LUNGES ON TOP OF VEER, IMMEDIATELY LATCHING ON TO HIS NECK AND DEVOURING HIM!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Oh my Lord!

The camera quickly cuts to a horrified Lulu Pencil, tears running down her cheeks. She sees the piano open and looks inside.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <It is time for me to be a hero!>

Lulu Pencil pulls out a flamethrower!

[ Scott Steiner ] WHAT IS IT WITH THE FLAMETHROWERS AND SGDUBYA? HUH? SINCE DAY FUCKIN' ONE!

[ Shanky ] No!

Lulu Pencil ignites the flamethrower, blasting flames in the direction of the tiger making a meal out of Veer. The tiger runs away but the damage is done, as Veer become a human torch and the flames spread to the dry corn of the maze, igniting the entire scene!

[ Jinder Mahal ] YOU IGNORANT WOMAN! THAT FLAMETHROWER WAS GIFTED TO ME BY MR. SADISTIC HIMSELF!

Flames surround everyone in the area, leaving just a small window to escape. In the distance, Jinder spots a trailer being pulled incredibly slowly. He knows this is his last chance.

[ Jinder Mahal ] I love a good hayride.

He makes a mad dash for the one section of corn yet to be caught on fire and easily catches up to the hayride, hoisting himself onto the trailer and sighing in relief. What he doesn't realize.. The slow speeds also allow even the most sloth-like people to also catch up to it. Orange Cassidy and Lulu Pencil also find themselves on the trailer and begin fighting with Jinder as the hayride drives on out of view of the cameras.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] And I thought the blindfold match was worse than two 9/11's.

[ Tony Schiavone ] They will also build a monument in remembrance of this historical night in our great sport!

With flames rapidly moving in on them, Mox and Pillman circle around one another.

[ Jon Moxley ] This is it, kid. You ready to die for this shit?

[ Brian Pillman ] I'll do anything to win the corn maze match of doom.. Or whatever it's called.

They rush at one another and begin trading blows once again. Pillman catches Moxley one good time on the jaw, staggering him back momentarily. Pillman uses the opening to roll Mox up in a Small Package! Justin Credible drops down for the count - ONE! TWO! THREE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Dumbasses! The match can only end with someone escaping! Jesus Christ! DOES NOBODY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS SHOW OR SOMETHING?! UNPROFESSIONAL AS FUCK!

Pillman raises his arms in the air but Moxley gets up and grabs Pillman by the back of the hair.

[ Jon Moxley ] Not so quick, kid. The only way to win this shit.. Is to survive this shit. You can pin me for three seconds, but you're gonna' have to put my dick in the dirt for eternity.

[ Brian Pillman ] I'm not going to put your dick in the dirt.

Like a scene from an action movie, Pillman gives a dramatic go-home line after breaking himself free from Moxley's grasp.

[ Brian Pillman ] I'm going to give your entire body.. Some heat.

Pillman kicks Moxley in the gut, knocking him to the ground. Pillman then takes a flaming scarecrow and throws it down on top of Mox, then quickly rushes out of the burning maze with Justin Credible. Credible raises Pillman's arm up as the winner, but Pillman doesn't look proud of what he's done.

WINNER
BRIAN PILLMAN, JR. in 15:21

[ Justin Credible ] Holy shit. That man has a baby.

[ Brian Pillman ] And it'll grow up without a father like I did.

Pillman wipes a tear from his eye. Credible looks unimpressed.

[ Justin Credible ] You wanna' order some food or somethin'?

[ Brian Pillman ] I'll take an order of Mox to go. Extra crispy.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh for the love of God.

[ Scott Steiner ] RENEE YOUNG! BIG POPPA PUMP WILL RAISE YOUR UGLY KID AND GIVE YOU THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT YOU'LL NEED TO GET OVER THE INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC LOSS OF YOUR HUSBAND IN A GODDAMN CORN MAZE MATCH!

Brian Pillman walks away from the fiery inferno a winner, but he doesn't feel like one. The scene fades.

The "Good Times, Great Memories" logo flashes across the screen. A recorded applause track hits and Colt Cabana overtakes the screen. He sits behind a small wooden desk with a bulletproof vest over his Chicago Cubs baseball jersey. On his left shoulder is a paper Mache version of himself. For what it is, it doesn't look half bad, besides its potential for being complete nightmare fuel.

[ Colt Cabana ] Can you believe we're back? Can you believe this is the type of show we chose to run in the reunion? Christ alive. Anyway, I'm Colt Cabana and this is Good Times, Great Memories! We all know what kind of segment this is. We all know the back story behind my little interview routine, right? Need something for fifteen people to do? Put 'em on the show. Need to bury someone for a personal vendetta? Colt will interview 'em. Someone decided to show at the last minute when you thought they were skipping town and now you HAVE to put them in a segment? Send for the man! Here I am!

Colt playfully shrugs.

[ Colt Cabana ] The fuck I care, right? It paid my bills. I'll interview you in the bathroom, the parking lot, on planet Mars, wherever, baby! It might be a slight and a burial for you personally, but for me, hey man, it's airtime. And speaking of burying someone, my guest tonight is the new President of the United States. This guy went from being the shittiest chef cooking the shittiest looking food to being President. That's what you have to love about America, right?

The camera pans over to the right, revealing President Lee sitting in a folding chair next to the desk.

[ Colt Cabana ] Ya' know, probably should've said less knowing you were sitting next to me, Keith.

[ President Keith Lee ] That's "Mr. President" to you, Colt.

Colt waves him off.

[ Colt Cabana ] Nah, man. I once watched you lead a Million Man March on Washington and give a speech in front of Congress. I also saw photos you posted when you cooked a block of animal fat and smother it in gravy. You're all over the goddamn spectrum, Keith.

[ President Keith Lee ] Colt, I blew off Bryan Danielson earlier, telling him I had bigger fish to fry.. More important things to do.. Such as being on your show. So please, can we proceed?

[ Colt Cabana ] You told the champ being on my show was "bigger fish to fry?"

[ President Keith Lee ] That's right.

[ Colt Cabana ] I figured you killing The Rock was more important than my show.

This accusation catches the president off guard.

[ President Keith Lee ] Now Colt, let me stop you right there. I absolutely did not kill President Johnson. His passing is a tragic event and his murderer WILL be brought to justice.

[ Colt Cabana ] With what punishment - 40 lashes or a hanging in town square? Ya' know, like your brother Robert E. would've done..

[ President Keith Lee ] You're testing my patience. You brought up the history of the show and you know full well my being on here is the biggest event to have happened to Good Times, Great Memories.

Colt stews on it for a few moments.

[ Colt Cabana ] I've never had a murderer on the show before.

He stops himself.

[ Colt Cabana ] Wait. Did I interview Benoit or no?

[ President Keith Lee ] Colt, let me tell you and the people watching again.. I did not kill or have anything to do with the killing of President Johnson. The mere fact that you chose to wear a bulletproof vest AND a Halloween costume from 16 years ago are both very saddening.

[ Colt Cabana ] Oh, first you kill The Rock and now you're too good for Michael Scott's Halloween idea from The Office season two? You're shady as shit, Keith. You killed The Rock! Everyone fuckin' loved The Rock! You just wanted to be the president, so you offed the most popular figure in SGW history!

[ President Keith Lee ] Most popular figure in SGW? I wasn't aware that I killed Mike Awesome.

[ Colt Cabana ] Well, that wasn't who I was thinking. That guy was a racist and absolutely caused us to re-edit six months worth of results so that someone who shall remain nameless wouldn't turn us into the PC Police. You should've killed that guy instead. Done us all a favor.

President Lee stands up and nods to Colt.

[ President Keith Lee ] We're finished here.

Suddenly, someone in a Ghostface mask runs through the shot and slashes President Lee's throat with a huge blade! Blood explodes everywhere, splattering everything in sight like a sprinkler watering the lawn first thing in the morning. Colt, covered in blood, jumps out of his chair and lunges backwards quickly.

[ Colt Cabana ] Oh my God! His blood got in my mouth! End the show! End the show! This is worse than the time the raccoon got stuck in the copier!

The second President of the United States has been murdered within 24 hours! This SGW return is off to a not-so-good start at all.

Fade.

REFEREE: PAUL TURNER | TIME LIMIT: NO TIME LIMIT

Outside the Staples Center, in a secluded corner of the parking lot, there’s a massive circle of ten vehicles, all backed up to form a circle of misery in which the Solid Gold Wrestling World Tag Team Championships will be decided. The cars are all in varying sizes, ranging from a clearly decommissioned UPS truck to a Mazda Miata.

The six men contained within the vehicles are grouped in their own space, glaring down the competition coolly as SGW Official Paul Turner gently hops down from the roof of the Miata to the trunk, finally down to the pavement and into the center of the teams, beckoning for them to begin the contest!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Little bit of trepidation between these three teams right now, gentlemen — I wonder what’s the hesitation here?

[ Scott Steiner ] My college-educated guess — from the University of Michigan, might I add — is that they’re all a bunch of PUSSIES! Me an’ Jeff or Rick or hell, even Midajah would’a fucked these guys up!

After a few more tense moments, the three teams explode from their starting points, popping the crowd back in the arena as all six men begin prying away at various trunks! James Storm and Bobby Roode double-team the trunk of a late-2000s model Nissan Maxima, finally wrenching it open with their bare hands to reveal 50 frozen bottles of water!

A few seconds later, Jey Uso stiff-kicks the tailgate of a silver 2002 Dodge Durango, watching as the handle pops and the back end lifts easily! Jimmy reaches in to produce a simple wooden record crate, jammed with over 50 LPs!

[ Scott Steiner ] I coulda sworn this was gonna’ be a hardcore thing — what’s all this bullshit?!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Peculiar weaponry, for sure, but the required level of creativity to maim a man with these objects should make for interesting warfare!

Jey begins thumbing through the records as Jimmy searches the tail-end of the Durango for more plunder, but not before Bobby Roode hurls one of the frozen water bottles across the enclosure, shattering the back glass and hitting Jimmy Uso in the calf! The wounded Uso limps out, dealing with what must be a severe Charlie Horse, unaware of another bottle, soaring through the sky and popping him in the chest!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Bullseye!

[ Scott Steiner ] FUCK YOU, SCHIAVONE!

As Jimmy lies on the pavement, grabbing his chest, Jey dodges an errant bottle from Roode before reaching into the record crate and producing—

[ Tony Schiavone ] ‘Dancing Queen!’ Wow! I love ABBA! What a great record!

[ Scott Steiner ] You’re fuckin’ kidding me! Did you hear this shit, Hugh Grant?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Legends on the charts, but not exactly my cup of tea, gents.

[ Tony Schiavone ] You guys don’t know what you’re missin’ — that was the second album I ever bought!

Elsewhere, Roode and Storm begin approaching with an armful of frozen bottles each, hucking them but narrowly missing their target! The Imperfect 10s have been working diligently on the trunk of the teal blue 1990 Mazda 626, which finally pops open as Spears swings a hammer fist down into it, revealing a barbed wire-wrapped cricket bat! The fans pop huge as Pres10 Vance lifts it overhead menacingly and screams!

[ Jey Uso ] Oh shit!

Without thinking, Uso chunks the 45 of Dancing Queen across the parking lot, towards Vance —

[ Tony Schiavone ] NO, THAT WAS THE SECOND ALBUM I EVER BOUGHT!!

— which smashes him in the chest, shattering into pieces and instantly drawing blood! As soon as it hits, Roode runs over and clobbers Jey with a frozen bottle before Storm pivots to huck one at Vance, who is pulling shards of vinyl from the cuts on his chest. From the pavement, Jimmy Uso performs a drop-toe hold, sending Storm face-first into the concrete! Roode turns to fight as Jimmy crawls towards the record crate, but both men notice Shawn Spears holding the barbed wire cricket bat aloft!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Uh oh.

The two men frantically begin thumbing through the records, discussing which are worth throwing, because, as you may know, records are a valuable collectible nowdays.

[ Bobby Roode ] Public Enemy?

[ Jimmy Uso ] FUCK THAT — ‘A Nation of Millions’ is a classic! What about ‘Breakfast in America?’

Roode’s jaw drops as a grinning Shawn Spears continues gaining ground, the barbed-wire cricket bat still held up menacingly.

[ Bobby Roode ] YOU DUMB BITCH, SUPERTRAMP ARE HEROES!

Both still flicking records carelessly, they stop suddenly.

[ Bobby Roode ] The ‘Batman’ soundtrack?

[ Both ] <simultaneously> …throw it.

Uso flicks the vinyl disc, which whips through the air and slices Spears on the cheek! The pain causes him to drop the bat, which clocks him in the head and manages to slice up his back on the way down, as well!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What a right mess this match is.

Vance runs over and pulls his wounded partner off the pavement, running over to a maroon Hyundai Sonata and bashing it with a big front kick to loosen the trunk hinges. Once opened, he begins pulling out what looks like a massive fitted sheet, sewn up at the seam, but certainly containing something within! Back at the record crate, Beer Money and the Usos begin to come around, propping themselves up before getting into a heavy round of fisticuffs. Spears and Vance finally get the sewn sheet, jagged and strange, out of the trunk and to the side of the Sonata before rushing into the fray and joining the punch-war!

[ Scott Steiner ] FINALLY! The best weapons God ever gave’ya are yer damn hands! CHOKE SOME LIFE OUT OF A BITCH! SHE’LL LIKE IT, ANYWAYS!

Breaking into smaller groups, the Imperfect 10s pull Jey Uso away and Irish whip him hard into the back of the UPS Truck — which does not budge! To the right, they find a Volkswagen Beetle, whose trunk is very keen to open and reveal —

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh, God, please no. No! No!

— ALF! Or, at the very least, if it’s not the same Alf from Solid Gold Wrestling’s past, it’s a clever lookalike. The doll is laying in the trunk, black plastic eyes staring forward like tiny circular abysses of hope, looking nothing at all like a weapon worth using. Fittingly, neither Spears nor Vance deem the doll worth using and leave it where it began! On the other side of the lot, Jimmy Uso fights back, knocking Roode and Storm awry with super kicks! The Samoan then turns his attention to the trunk of a Silver Ford Focus — which he also super kicks! The trunk sells it beautifully and flies open upon impact, revealing a nicely planted ficus!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Those ceramic planters are heavy!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Someone’s got to shut that trunk and lock that damn doll away — I’ve not soon forgotten the horrors it inflicted upon my eyes, brain, and soul the last time the furry, tapioca looking bastard appeared in the SGW!

The men continue to brawl, each sprawling around the lot to explore the open trunks and give a few more bashes of attempt to loosen those still closed. Beer Money take a moment to smash the sliding back door of the UPS truck, which gives way! They slide the door up and within, we see two full beer kegs! James Storm hoots and hollers for a moment before leaping into the truck and lifting one, bringing it to the edge of the bed before going back for the second one. With Roode’s assistance, Beer Money have now got two beer kegs on the concrete — but one half of the team doesn’t appear too concerned with using them violently!

[ Scott Steiner ] James Storm looks more serious than I’ve ever seen him! He must wanna fuckin’ END somebody!

[ James Storm ] WHERE’S A FUCKIN’ WRENCH!?

Eventually, from across the lot, Jey Uso hurls the barbed-wire cricket bat in Beer Money’s direction! The flying weapon avoids both Storm and Roode, but miraculously punctures the top of the keg, shooting beer straight up, into the air like a fancy, foaming fountain! Noticing the beer-splosion, Storm hollers out in pain, rushing over to the keg as it takes its last few, foaming breaths and wraps his mouth around the gash in the steel, downing the few seconds’ worth of suds before it flatlines. Shaking the keg but receiving nothing, Storm screams angrily and rushes over to the Miata, superkicking the back left window out!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …I…I don’t—

Now lying on the pavement gripping his leg, picking pieces of glass from the areas unprotected by his padded cowboy boot and knee pad, Storm wails out as the rest of the participants look on with curious expressions.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …let’s just get this bloody over with.

[ Tony Schiavone ] But why, Nigel? This match is excellent! And look — the Usos are trying another trunk now! Will it be Trunk or Treat?!

Sure enough, the Usos have pried open the back doors of a large Ford Creeper Van, sloppily adorned with a blue bird logo, to reveal —

[ Scott Steiner ] HEY! Is that my fuckin’ TV?!

— an enormous, 1990s-styled flat-screen television, the large, boxy monstrosities. It rolls to the edge of the van and the Usos catch it clumsily, straining to lift it out and onto the pavement. Elsewhere in the lot, Bobby Roode approaches a white, early 2000s model Chevrolet Cavalier. He peeks in the window and comments “cool CD player, asshole” to the nearby camera before hammering away at the trunk’s lid, which pops open to reveal…a spare tire and a pair of tire irons! How anti-climactic.

Roode agrees, and is pissed, taking an iron and hurling it across the lot, clipping Jey Uso in the chest and narrowly avoiding both his heart and a murder charge. Bobby also pulls out the donut and tosses it, somehow so perfectly that it rolls across the lot, bowling down Pres10 Vance like a set of perfectly-placed pins.

[ Scott Steiner ] WHAT THE FUCK?! Where’s the damn titles?!

[ Tony Schiavone ] They’ve gotta be around here somewhere, Scott! I mean, honestly, would SGW Officials REALLY forget to put them in a trunk?

…

..Anyway, the still-standing members of the match, Jimmy Uso and Bobby Roode, slowly corner Shawn Spears near the Beetle. Spears’ eyes go wide as he realizes he’s being targeted for an early night’s sleep, then starts panicking, looking for anything to defend himself…

…and only finding Alf.

[ Scott Steiner ] Nice knowin’ ya, Spears — JUST FUCKIN’ KIDDIN’! IT’S BEEN A FUCKIN’ DRAG!

Spears struggles, but lifts Alf and chunks the doll at the approaching pair — KNOCKING THEM OVER TO A MASSIVE POP! Spears’ eyebrows shoot up in surprise as he peeks over to the doll and, again, struggles to lift it off the ground before accidentally tearing a hole in the doll’s chest. He peers inside, poking around past some stuffing before his mouth falls open in shock.

[ Tony Schiavone ] ARE NEITHER OF YOU GOING TO COMMENT ON HOW POOR ALF IS BEING LITERALLY TORN APART BY THIS RAVENOUS, DISGUSTING BUNCH OF SICKOS RIGHT NOW?! THAT ALIEN HAS A FAMIL—

[ Scott Steiner ] IT’S A FUCKIN’ DOLL, YOU HALF-WIT!

Eventually, Spears has torn the doll open enough to further investigate — but before he can, a cinder block tumbles out of Alf’s stomach and drops directly onto his big toe! He wails out in pain and drops to his ass on the pavement, gripping his foot as it is almost assuredly in terrible pain. Nearby, James Storm is crawling over towards the camera, reaching for any and everything he can, screaming incoherently. Eventually, he finds a large rock and hucks it at the Miata’s trunk, knocking out the left turn signal.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What’s this? Seems James Storm’s figured out where the titles are!

Storm reaches the cinder block and drags it as close as he can to the trunk before getting on one knee and lifting it overhead, tossing it towards the trunk — and connecting! The Miata’s trunk dents and pops open on impact, revealing the SGW World Tag Team Championships!

With no delay, everyone seemingly comes alive in some way and begins crawling towards the Miata, doing their best to reach the championship belts!

Vance is the first one to approach the Miata, but before he can grab the championships and finish the Trunk or Treat Match, he’s blasted from behind — it’s Roode! Roode absolutely wrecks Vance with the potted ficus, shattering the ceramic planter over his head!

Roode eyes the championships but is tackled aside by Jey Uso, leaving space for Storm to approach the trunk! As he does, though, he’s stopped by Spears, who crashes the record crate over his head, crumbling him and the crate in a heap of stained wood and humanity!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Absolute bedlam, folks! All for these SGW World Tag Team Championships!

Pairs have split off, with Spears and Jimmy Uso scrapping onto the hood of the Sonata; meanwhile, Storm is being pulled to the UPS truck by Jey! Storm is tossed onto the hood, then Jey pulls him up to the roof of the UPS truck as the fans begin to swell with excitement! Jey does a ‘throat-slashing’ taunt, miming that he’s going to toss Storm off the roof of the truck!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] No way!

Jey grips Storm by the nape of the neck and goes to toss, but is cut off with the classic Greco-Roman shot to the nuts! Jey’s face contorts disgustingly, but he doesn’t know pain quite yet, as Storm tosses him off the top of the truck, flipping forward before crashing through the boxy flat-screen television! Smoke expands from the device as the fans chant incessantly!

[ Crowd ] HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Back on the Sonata, Spears and Jimmy are throwing hands recklessly! The fans are rabid, ready to see more violence, and Jimmy delivers, hitting Spears with a sick left hand before lifting him to his shoulders — and Jimmy flips Spears off the roof with an Attitude Adjustment, down onto the sewn-up fitted sheet — which explodes on impact, Nintendo Gamecubes exploding from tears in the floral fabric! What a horrid landing for Spears, whose body is absolutely mangled by the notoriously sharp-edged consoles.

[ Crowd ] HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Jimmy slowly hops off the roof of the Sonata and arrogantly begins walking towards the Miata, arms outstretched and looking towards the championships! But ho, from what yonder area of the parking lot does a rumble break? It’s behind Jimmy, where Storm has rolled the still-full beer keg towards him, taking Jimmy’s legs out from under him and sending him back-first to the pavement in a gross bump!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Storm can do this! He’s just got to get over to the championships!

Storm is crawling over, exhausted from the puzzling level of violence this match has seen, and eventually reaches the Miata in a huff. He presses up on the trunk with everything he has, struggling to his feet — BUT IS MET WITH THE BARBED-WIRE-WRAPPED CRICKET BAT, RIGHT TO THE FACE!

It’s Vance! As Storm falls to the pavement in a bloody mess, Vance falls into the trunk, grabbing the championships in a final, desperate attempt!

WINNERS & NEW CHAMPIONS
THE IMPERFECT 10s in 08:59

The bell rings inside the arena as music plays, celebrating for the Imperfect 10s, even though the champions are in no state to celebrate themselves.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Incredible match!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I am absolutely thrilled the contest is over, but what heart for Vance to push through the pain and find a weapon, not taking no for an answer!

Vance, gripping the belts in his hand, scoots over to Spears, who has fortunately rolled off of the mess of Gamecubes he fell onto a moment ago. Spears looks up, in misery, but smiles only slightly as he notices the gold belts in Vance’s hands.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Well, guys, I guess the only thing I can say about that match is that it was absolutely a TREAT!

Neither Scott nor Nigel replies as the SGW Tag Team Champions do their best, finally leaving the steel circle of pain bruised, battered, bloodied, and beaten — but proud.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Did you get it? A TREAT! Like Trunk or Trea—OUCH!

[ Scott Steiner ] WE FUCKIN’ GOT IT!

Tony whimpers as the cameras treat us to a final, overhead shot of the madness within the circle of vehicles and the destruction within.

[ Tony Schiavone ] <to himself> …y’coulda said something…

Fade.

The room is dark, save for a single-bulb light swinging gently overhead.

[ ??? ] What’s all this shit about? None of you fuckers will just tell me what the hell is going on here!

A gargantuan, tattooed frame leans into the light, slowly revealing —

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Former GWF World Champion Dave Batista!

The Staples Center is raucous with uproarious boos, as, most assuredly, is the rest of the viewing population of planet Earth.

[ Scott Steiner ] BATISTA! This is the rat bastard who killed Barbie Blank, that sweet, cracked-out, and racked-to-the-gills gutter slut fiancé of Tom Cruise!

Batista’s face is weathered from prison, a few days’ growth on his jawline. His eyes, bloodshot and angry, are darting around the dark room, looking for any sign of who could be behind the goings-on he is enduring.

[ Dave Batista ] I WANT ANSWERS! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!

Eventually, the door opens and in walks a pair of security guards, one painfully average, the other, ridiculously tall and built, and looking to be of an unconfirmed Indian heritage. He ALMOST looks familiar, but the average nature of his partner quells any suspicions. Finally, a nondescript man walks into the room holding a silver and purple, mid-2000s era CD boombox and sits it on the table before Batista before fumbling around to plug it into the wall socket.

[ Dave Batista ] …what the fuck is this…?

The man turns and shrugs, rolling his eyes.

[ Man ] …hey man, I’m just doing what a superior officer told me to do. Asking questions is beyond my pay grade.

Batista growls angrily, but the man pays him no mind as he presses ‘play’ and exits the room, pulling the door shut behind him. Suddenly, the boombox springs to life, playing a familiar tune.

The heat is on, on the street
Inside your head, on every beat

[ Dave Batista ] …what the fuck?!

And the beat's so loud, deep inside
The pressure's high, just to stay alive
…’cause the heat is on

As the saxophone blares, the door is kicked open and in comes Team Tremendous, jazzing to the tune of Beverly Hills Cop’s seminal classic by Glenn Frey, “the Heat is On!” Bill Carr, bottom lip jutted out, is head nodding and grooving as Dan Barry dances to the table, clearly enjoying their entrance.

[ Team Tremendous ] <together> <badly sang> Oh-wo-ho, oh-wo-ho!

[ Bill Carr ] <badly sang> Caught up in the action I've been looking out for you!

The Staples Center are roaring for their beloved Team Tremendous as they continue dancing into the interrogation room. Batista, however, is none-too-impressed.

[ Dave Batista ] THIS IS FUCKING LUDICROUS!

[ Bill Carr ] Actually, it’s Glenn Frey!

Tell me can you feel it!
The heat is on, the heat is on, the heat is on

[ Bill Carr ] Oh yeah! That’s right, Batista! The Heat is On for YOU, DADDIO!

[ Dan Barry ] You’re right, partner! Y’see, Big Dave — we’re familiar with this beat, we walked it for years, and we know you’re the man behind all these murders — we’re pinnin’ ‘em on the big, ‘roided-out chest they belong on right here and now!

[ Bill Carr ] YOURS!

Team Tremendous enjoy the chorus’ end and begin jiving to another verse as Batista stews furiously.

Oh it's on the street, the heat is on
The shadows high on the darker side
Behind those doors, it's a wilde—

Finally having had enough, Batista lifts the boombox overhead and hurls it, one-handed at the brick wall, shattering it into a million pieces, effectively stopping the music and turning the Heat off! The LA fans are pissed as Bill Carr jabs his finger towards Batista.

[ Bill Carr ] HEY, MOTHER FUCKER, THAT COST ME $34!

The fans pop as Carr seethes.

[ Dave Batista ] …how could an old-ass boom box and a CD copy of the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack POSSIBLY cost you $34, you stupid son of a bi—

[ Dan Barry ] Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! Hey, now! We’ll be the ones asking the questions here today, Big Dave!

Barry waggles a pen back and forth between himself and Carr, over and over ad nauseam, indicating they will be the ones in control of the line of questioning, until Batista growls again and slams his fists on the table.

[ Dave Batista ] How the fuck are you gonna pin more murders on me?! First of all, I don’t know anything about any damn murders, because I’m in prison! I’ve been here since the death of Barbie Blank —

[ Bill Carr ] AND MAY SHE REST IN PEACE, YOU COLD-HEARTED BASTARD!

[ Dave Batista ] SHUT IT, FATTY! Now listen, you can ask The Great Khali here if you need a witness that I’ve been in this holding cell for hours now, way longer than any murder spree could have taken place!

Team Tremendous begin skeptically looking around the room.

[ Dan Barry ] …the Great Khali?

[ Dave Batista ] Yeah, he’s right there!

Carr squints his eyes, looking at the ceiling of the room, while Barry paces over to the two security guards and looks them up and down. One, much more ‘up’ than down, before reporting back to the table.

[ Dan Barry ] Nice try, Dave, but much like your career in SGW following GWF — this is a laughable attempt to keep a bad thing going!

Batista is incredulous.

[ Dave Batista ] ARE YOU FUCKIN’ SERIOUS?! HE’S STANDING RIGHT THERE!

Batista jabs his handcuffed arms towards the tall Indian guard, who shrugs. Carr rubs his chin before the lights suddenly go out in the interrogation cell!

[ Bill Carr ] OH, FUCK! SABU IS HERE TO HELP US SOLVE THIS HEINOUS CRIME!

When the lights rise again, Dave Batista is slumped over the table, a knife planted firmly between his shoulder blades. The blood slowly seeps from the wound and onto the table as Bill Carr gulps comically.

[ Dan Barry ] …well. That’s not good.

Suddenly, police smash down the door and flood into the room, watching carefully as Team Tremendous stand over the body inquisitively.

[ Lieutenant ] SOMEBODY BETTER TELL ME WHAT IN THE HONKY-TONK-MAN-AS-CHAMPION-IN-2020 IS GOING ON HERE!

The tall, Indian guard steps forward and points a massive finger towards the pair of detectives, speaking with an accent not unlike a mouth full of marbles reading a half-erased whiteboard.

[ Indian Guard ] They did it.

With haste, Team Tremendous are both handcuffed and are slowly pulled out of the room as a team rush in to attend to Dave Batista’s awful body.

[ Bill Carr ] HEY! JUST ASK SERGEANT SABU, HE’LL TELL ‘YA WE’RE INNOCENT!

The Indian guard steps back as the medical team do their job and we’re privy to a burst of joy from his ear-piece.

[ Man 1 ] GREAT JOB DETECTIVE!

[ Man 2 ] Another one for the books, you magnificent son of a bitch!

Fade.

REFEREE: MIKE CHIODA | TIME LIMIT: 60:00

The entrances have concluded and the introductions finish while the fans collect their breath after what has transpired thus far tonight. Arn rubs his son's shoulders, giving him one final piece of advice before exiting the ring. Vince Russo is on the floor, slamming his palms against the apron while screaming obscenities at Alex Shelley. Mike Chioda calls for the bell and the match has begun!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Well ladies and gentlemen, here we go. The oldest championship in SGW history is on the line in the most.. normal.. match on the entire show!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] You have that correct, Tony. All o' the other matches tonight have had off-the-wall gimmicks and stipulations, so it's nice to sit down and just watch a pure wrestlin' match. This will be a great one, a pure palette cleanser.

Shelley and Brock Anderson tie up to start things off, but Brock uses his strength to push Shelley down to the mat. Russo reaches into the breast pocket of his leather jacket, pulling out an orange dildo. He waves it in the air towards Shelley.

[ Vince Russo ] LOOK AT HIS FUCKIN' DOUGH-BELLY AND BALD SPOT! DON'T LET 'EM DO THAT TO YA', ALEX! SHOVE THIS DILDO UP HIS ASS AND FINISH THIS MATCH!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I.. I spoke too soon.

An audible sigh escapes Nigel's lips.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I have no idea why I expected anything less when Vince Russo was involved. I strongly suspect he booked this entire bloody show.

[ Scott Steiner ] VINCE RUSSO OWES ME FORTY-THREE DOLLARS AND A BLOW JOB!

[ Tony Schiavone ] That is a very specific amount of money!

[ Scott Steiner ] HE OWES ME THE MONEY, BUT HE HIMSELF DOES NOT OWE ME THE BLOW JOB. YA' SEE, HE ARRANGED A FREAK TO BOW DOWN ON HER KNEES AND SWALLOW MOUNT STEINER, BUT NEEDED TO BORROW SOME PETTY FUCKIN' CASH. INSTEAD, THE ONLY THING THAT GOT BLOWN WAS MY MONEY, BECAUSE VINCE RUSSO WENT INTO BUSINESS FOR HIMSELF AND USED THAT MONEY TO SNIFF SOME DUDE'S THONG!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Bloody hell. Can we focus on the match?

With the focus back on the ring, the match has been ongoing with Shelley in complete control due to his experience level. Young Brock Anderson is doing his best to keep his head above water, showing a tremendous amount of heart, but Shelley continues outwrestling him at every corner with his technical expertise. Brock ducks a rolling elbow and drop kicks Shelley, sending him flying back into the ropes. Shelley bounces off and hits a basement dropkick of his own, dropping Brock to his knees. A superkick takes Brock from his knees to the mat, with Shelley wasting no time. Shelley hooks Brock's head between his knees and starts pounding the rookie's skull against the mat repeatedly.

[ Tony Schiavone ] The Skull.. ahem.. Fucker... Such a brutal move!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] If things were a fog for young Brock in his SGW debut, these brutal blows to the skull will make it even worse!

Shelley rolls Brock over and goes for a pin - one! two! Kick out!

[ Scott Steiner ] HIS DAD IS A JURASSIC PIECE OF SHIT, BUT THE KID HAS HEART!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] That's actually a nice compliment comin' from a legend like you, Scott!

[ Scott Steiner ] IT SHOULD'VE BEEN HIS DAD INSTEAD OF THE ROCK, BUT HERE WE ARE! ALAS, WE DON'T GET TO CHOOSE WHO THE GRIM REAPER COMES TO VISIT, DO WE, HUH?!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This.. This match is so awful in so many ways. I'm so sorry to everyone.

Shelley stomps Anderson twice and steps towards the ropes. After bouncing off of them, Shelley charges at Brock but Brock springs up, SPINEBUSTER! DOUBLE-A STYLE! Brock collapses on the mat in exhaustion as all of the oxygen has left Shelley's lungs after hitting the canvas. Russo is barking for Shelley to get up while Arn is on the opposite side of the ring, pleading for his son to capitalize on the opportunity. Mike Chioda begins the ten count and gets to five before Brock rolls over, draping his arm across Shelley's chest - One.. Tw- Kick out! Arn shakes his head, realizing that it might have been Brock's last shot to get the victory here. Brock gets to his feet first, dragging Shelley up by his hair. Shelley rolls him up in a Small Package! One, two, kick out! Shelley drop toe holds Brock down to the middle rope and argues with Chioda about the speed of the count. This allows Russo an opportunity to choke Brock against the middle rope! Russo goes to the timekeeper's table and snatches the Intercontinental Championship, but here's Arn! Arn rips the title away from Russo's grasp and decks him with him! Russo flops on the ground like a fish out of water and Shelley realizes his plan has failed!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Someone should've caved his head in a long time ago!

[ Scott Steiner ] Remember in League o' Champions when he started off as a Christian good guy, no beard, then started slowly growin' his beard just in time for him and Jarrett to turn heel on Ric Flair, kickin' his old ass out of the company and stealing his title? That was some good ass storytelling.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Scott, you know as well as I do that no one appreciates storytelling in today's world! All they want is shiny graphics and shows that transpire days, sometimes weeks, after the deadline. That's why this circle has nothin' left in it but a place where Buff Bagwell reigns supreme!

[ Scott Steiner ] LARIAT UNDERGROUND CAN KISS MY ASS!

[ Tony Schiavone ] What is that, buddies?

Arn hops on the apron and stares down Alex Shelley, who backs away from Arn and stops when he bumps into the awaiting Brock Anderson! Shelley turns around, pleads for his life and runs across the ring, forgetting Arn is still on the apron! Shelley is stuck between the Andersons, unsure of what to do next. Brock comes for Shelley, and Shelley quickly reacts by moving out of the way and pushing Brock into Arn, knocking his father from the apron to the hard concrete floor! Brock goes to check on his day, but Shelley grabs his tights and rolls him up with his feet on the middle rope. Chioda doesn't see either! One, two, three! Alex Shelley is still the Intercontinental Champion!

WINNER & STILL CHAMPION
ALEX SHELLEY via PIN in 09:17

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Alex Shelley outsmarted the young Brock Anderson and stole one!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Brock Anderson showed one hell of a heart out here tonight, guys. He truly did. I think a few more shows under his belt and he'll be a real contender.

[ Scott Steiner ] A FEW MORE SHOWS?! AIN'T GONNA' BE FOR SOLID GOLD! BUNCHA' FUCKERS NOT APPRECIATIN' THIS SHIT! PLUS, I'M TIRED OF HAVIN' TO DEAL WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES INTO MAKIN' A SHOW WORK!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Scott, you literally showed up at the last minute completely unprepared!

[ Scott Steiner ] AND I'D DO IT AGAIN!

Vince Russo crawls into the ring with the Intercontinental Championship, handing the title to Alex Shelley while Brock immediately goes to the outside to check on his father. Arn is infuriated with himself, knowing his being a liability cost his son a chance to etch his name in the SGW record books tonight.

Gravel pops beneath the hayride trailer.

There's shuffling and grunting going on.

The camera finally rights itself and we see Jinder Mahal strangling Orange Cassidy, trying to force him backward over the edge of the trailer. The vehicle must be going at least ten-- no, FIFTEEN miles an hour down the road toward the Staples Center.

[ Jinder Mahal ] CEASE YOUR BREATHING, DENIM PEASANT!

Mahal's eyes bug out as he squeezes harder.

[ Jinder Mahal ] I COMMAND YOU TO DIE!

Jinder Mahal suddenly releases his grip on Cassidy's throat and shrieks in a comically high pitched voice as Lulu Pencil executes a picture perfect back rake, tearing open layers upon layers of TOTALLY NOT STEROID RELATED BACNE! Jinder looks directly into the camera and shouts, spittle flying from his mouth.

[ Jinder Mahal ] It's a genetic condition!

Lulu looks down at her fingers and clenches her hands into fists, laughing evilly! Jinder flexes, his muscles rippling and trippling, before booting her right in the face! She falls back against a hay bale and Jinder takes two big steps across the trailer, kneeing her directly in the chin! He tilts his head back and laughs.

[ Jinder Mahal ] HE WHO LAUGHS LOUDEST AND ALSO KICKS HARDEST, LAUGHS BEST! NOW YOU SHALL KNOW MY WRATH AND MEET YOUR FINAL FATE! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TEMPTED ME WITH YOUR BARE ARMS AND TIGHT OVERALLS, SLUT!

The cornfield continues to burn in the distance. The roar of a tiger can be heard. Jinder looks down the road and we can see the flames flicker in his eyes. Sweat rolls off his vascular body. He wrings his hands together aggressively and then slowly turns to look over his shoulder as he hears something behind him. Orange Cassidy is standing behind him, broken shades hanging off one ear but still covering one eye. He looks down at Lulu and then back up at Jinder.

[ Orange Cassidy ] Not cool.

Jinder advances on Cassidy, but Cassidy executes a drop toe hold, sending Jinder face first into the rear window of the pick-up truck! The glass shatters and Jinder goes limp! Suddenly, we hear a squeaking sound and the camera pans over to reveal Shanky riding a rusty bicycle, quickly catching up to the creeping trailer! Jinder is bleeding profusely from his forehead. He sits up, seeing Shanky draw closer.

[ Jinder Mahal ] Yes... yes! Pedal as though your pathetic, worthless life depends on it, Shanky!

Shanky reaches the driver's side door and yanks it open while remaining on the bicycle. The driver, revealed to be SGW road agent Billy Gunn, tries to fight him off but Shanky uses his ridiculously long arms to grab Gunn by his SGW t-shirt and yank him out of the driver's seat! The vehicle isn't even going fast enough for Gunn to eat shit, he just lands on his feet and jogs to a stop as Shanky climbs into the driver's seat and takes over. Gunn shakes his head and places his hands on his hips, looking annoyed.

[ Billy Gunn ] Fuck this! I'm goin' home!

As Shanky takes over the wheel, he puts the pedal to the metal and we're suddenly going seventy miles an hour toward the Staples Center! Orange Cassidy can barely stand and Jinder struggles to reach him... only for Lulu Pencil to stick him in the ass with an oversized pencil!

[ Jinder Mahal ] I KNEW YOU WERE UNCLEAN, YOU JAPANESE JOURNALIST PROSTITUTE!

He turns and pushes her down, holding her on the trailer floor with his boot. Orange Cassidy nails him with a forearm, almost knocking him down. Jinder then grabs Cassidy with ease and PLANTS HIM with the KHALLAS! It sounds like death and hay flies up all around them... but Jinder maintains his grip, hoists Orange Cassidy up off the trailer floor... and LOBS HIM OUT OF THE TRAILER TO THE STREET BELOW! HE'S DEAD! HE HAS TO BE DEAD! Jinder Mahal laughs and turns to grab a handful of Lulu Pencil's hair. He holds her on her knees and draws back one open hand as though he's about to deliver a devastating CLAW HOLD!

[ Jinder Mahal ] The time for games is over, harlot. It will be here and now on this speeding hayride of destiny that you will service me and we will consummate our impending marriage in front of the thousands of fans who are here to see Jinder Mahal, the SGW LEGEND and SLAYER OF ALL VAGINAS! THIS IS MY RIGHT AS A MAN! AND NO ONE WILL STOP ME! DID YOU HEAR THAT!?

He looks out at no one in particular, laughing.

[ Jinder Mahal ] NO ONE WILL STOP ME!

There's a rev of an engine and Jinder lets go of Lulu's hair before turning around to see... ORANGE CASSIDY!? No! Not just Orange Cassidy, but Orange Cassidy standing on the hood of a black Pontiac Firebird Trans Am being driven by Billy Gunn! Cassidy nods at Jinder.

[ Orange Cassidy ] Sup.

AND THEN LEAPS FROM THE HOOD OF THE TRANS AM AND BACK ONTO THE TRAILER WITH A DEVASTATING ORANGE PUNCH TO THE VASCULAR JAW OF JINDER MAHAL! Jinder crumples to the floor and lays against a haybale, totally out of it. Lulu Pencil mounts him and puts a pencil to his throat, looking him dead in the eye.

[ Lulu Pencil ] GIB ME... WAN REASON... I... DARE... YOU!

Orange Cassidy places his hand on Lulu's wrist, making her lower the pencil.

[ Orange Cassidy ] Nah.

Lulu nods, understanding that killing Jinder Mahal would make her just as bad as Jinder Mahal. Suddenly, there's a sound of screaming civilians, horns honking, pure chaos. Jinder Mahal can see past them, knowing what's going on. He grabs them both of them by their shirts and smiles evilly.

[ Jinder Mahal ] You should have taken your shot, whore!

The vehicle crashes hard into the side of the Staples Center! Shanky is immediately decapitated by the drive shaft of the truck. Orange Cassidy, Lulu Pencil, and Jinder Mahal are fortunately cushioned by the hay but they're knocked stupid, all three lying completely still as we go back inside the arena!

REFEREE: AUBREY EDWARDS | TIME LIMIT: NO TIME LIMIT

Becky Lynch and James Ellsworth talk strategy in their corner as Kayla Braxton runs down the rules for the match. Whoever climbs the ladder and hangs the witch will win the match for their team. If anyone is pinned or submitted, they will tied to stake, unable to help their opponent for two whole minutes! Kana and Io Shirai converse on the floor with Mio Shirai. The fans are on their feet already, knowing this match is gonna be off the rails insanity. Aubrey Edwards draws attention to the stakes at ringside, as well as the life size mannequin dressed as a witch. A noose ominously hangs above the ring. She calls for the bell and Io and Kana slide under the rope, rushing toward Becky and Ellsworth and attacking them in the corner!

[ Scott Steiner ] You gotta' be kiddin' me, they fuckin' PEARL HARBORED 'em!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh good god, I hope we're on tape delay and someone caught that!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Nope, we're totally live, good buddy! We're living in the moment in SGW!

The fans are going wild as Io pairs off with Becky while Kana tees off on Ellsworth in the corner with rapid fire kicks and palm strikes! Becky and Io tumble through the ropes and fight against the guard rail, trading forearm blows with great ferocity! Inside the ring, Ellsworth takes over on Kana with an eye rake! He attempts to take her over in a headlock but she grabs him around the waist and plants him with a BACKDROP SUPLEX! Returning to her feet, she watches as he crawls back to his knees and delivers a sickening BUZZSAW KICK! She covers him! One! Two! Three!

[ Tony Schiavone ] I hope James Ellsworth has a good dental plan!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Dental plan or not, he's outta' the match for two whole minutes!

[ Scott Steiner ] Ya' know, I'd let either one o' those Asian spinners tie me up, if there ever fuckin' existed a method of bondage capable of holdin' down The Purple Warrior. But since there ain't, I guess I'd have to do THEM the favor of tyin' 'em down and givin' 'em the spit 'n shine before I jack 'em up with the BUMP 'N GRIND, and make'em scream in their native tongue: BOOM! SHAKALAKA! That Far East cuisine is OISHII, as they say!

[ Tony Schiavone ] "Oishii" means delicious!

Aubrey Edwards escorts Ellsworth out of the ring and he's tied to one of the stakes as a two minute countdown timer begins! Kana slides out of the ring and grabs a ladder, sliding it under the bottom rope. Seconds later, she's tossed the witch through the ropes, into the ring! As she begins setting the ladder up, Becky punches Io Shirai in the throat and dumps her over the rail and into the front row! Kana is only a couple rungs up the ladder when Becky slides back in and pulls her down by her tights! Kana drops the witch and Becky begins peppering her with forearms before ducking a backfist and planting her with a BECKSPLODER! Becky covers! ONE! TWO! THR-- NO! Becky moves as she sees Io Shirai flying off the top rope with a moonsault! KANA GETS ALL OF IT! Becky quickly trash cans Io Shirai and covers Kana again! ONE! TWO! THREE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] And now Kana is removed from the equation!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] It's one on one now, gentlemen, and what a great match this would be! Becky Lynch and Io Shirai! One of the stand-out SHOCK talents in Becky Lynch taking on the former SGW Women's World Champion, Io Shirai!

Kana is tied to a stake at ringside as a separate counter begins ticking down. Becky grabs the mannequin and begins climbing but Io Shirai returns to the ring, climbing the opposite side of the ladder! They trade punches at the top until Becky drops the mannequin! Io keeps teeing off with forearms and punches until Becky falls!

[ Scott Steiner ] God damn! Either o' you jerks ever fall off a ladder!?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Indeed, I have. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

[ Scott Steiner ] What, like paintin' your house or some shit?!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I... I'm a forma' professional wrestler, Scott.

[ Scott Steiner ] No shit!? Learn somethin' new every day!

[ Tony Schiavone ] There's a countdown timer ticking down!

A buzzer sounds and James Ellsworth is cut free! He charges back into the ring and slides under the bottom rope... but IO SHIRAI TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER! The fans pop huge! Io covers! ONE! TWO! THREE! Ellsworth is sent straight back to the stake! Io Shirai scrambles for the witch and tosses it over her shoulder. Io begins climbing but Becky has found a chair outside the ring. She slides in and nails Io in the arm, making her drop the mannequin! Becky hits her in the arm again and Io falls back to the mat! As soon as she lands, Becky mounts her and locks in the DIS-ARM-HER! Io Shirai quickly taps out and is escorted to her stake! With neither member of Triple Tails active, Becky laughs and grabs the mannequin, heading for the ladder.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Becky Lynch is all alone!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is her match to win!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Wait, there's Mio Shirai!

As soon as Becky gets about halfway up, Mio Shirai slides under the bottom rope and grabs her ankle! Becky kicks her off, but enough time is bought for Kana to get free and slide under the bottom rope! She launches onto the ladder and meets Becky at the top! They trade shots back and forth until Ellsworth is cut free once again! Ellsworth climbs up behind Kana and begins peppering her back with rapid punches! Kana kicks backward, catching him in his lack of chin, and he falls back to the mat! Becky punches Kana in the the throat and Kana responds by spewing green mist into Becky's eyes! Becky falls to the mat but Kana catches the witch! The fans are buzzing with anticipation as Kana reaches the top and prepares to hang the witch, going so far as to get its head within the noose... until James Ellsworth pushes the ladder over!

[ Tony Schiavone ] That James Ellsworth! He's lower than a scab!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Absolute sub-human garbage!

Kana lands in the ropes, getting her foot tied up between them! She can't get free! James Ellsworth grabs a bottle of water and begins washing out Becky's eyes. Disoriented, Becky yells at him to "get the bleedin' witch," and he scrambles over to it, hoisting it over his shoulder and beginning to climb as Io Shirai is set free! Io climbs onto the apron and leaps onto the top rope before springboarding off and onto the ladder! She meets Ellsworth at the top and Ellsworth begs her off... but Becky sneaks up beneath her and POWER BOMBS HER OFF THE LADDER! With Kana still tied up in the ropes, Ellsworth is free to HANG THE WITCH FOR THE WIN!

WINNERS
BECKY LYNCH & JAMES ELLSWORTH in 10:31

The fans boo loudly as Becky and Ellsworth leave the ringside area, victorious. Ellsworth tries to hoist Becky up but physically can't do it. Inside the ring, Aubrey finally helps Kana get untied from the ropes and they check on Io Shirai. Finally, they leave the ring and the camera focuses on the hanging witch.

[ Tony Schiavone ] I'm heartbroken for Triple Tails! Io Shirai and Kana gave it their all, but Becky Lynch and James Ellsworth were just too devious to overcome!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Indeed. On this night, Becky Lynch has earned a victory over the forma' SGW Women's World Champion. If there's ever another SGW event in the future, this could very well lead to her facing the winner of tonight's women's title unification match!

[ Tony Schiavone ] You never know what can happen in SGW!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] You really don't. Just a couple of months ago, I would have sworn I was finished with this living nightmare forever, and yet here I am.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Life really is full of blessings, isn't it?

The lights go out.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Guys, what's happening?

The fans gasp, having no idea what to expect.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is most alarming with a murderer on the loose, gentlemen.

[ Scott Steiner ] I dare some pussy punk in a mask to try and murder me!

Once the lights come back up, we see that the witch has been replaced by another familiar face from SGW's history... HARRY SMITH! The fans scream in horror as Harry Smith hangs from the noose, blue in the face-- DEAD!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OH... MY... GOODNESS! That's the former X-Treme Wrestling Federation World Heavyweight Champion, HARRY SMITH!

The camera quickly cuts away and we get a straight-on shot of the announce team as they talk about what we just witnessed.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] The one 'n bloody only, that is certainly no other Harry Smith but the one famous for becoming the XWF World Champion in 2006, and then throwing down the title!

[ Tony Schiavone ] The message is loud and clear, guys! NO ONE IS SAFE!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Indeed, that is the one and only message this murderous fiend could be conveying by murdering Harry Smith! Yes, XWF World Champion HARRY SMITH!

[ Scott Steiner ] Why the fuck do you two keep re-enforcing who this clown really is!? He's fuckin' Harry Smith! How many god damn Harry Smiths are there?! Somebody cut this fuckin' nobody down and let's get the show on the road! Wake me up when this guy cuts up somebody worth a fuck!

With that, we head... anywhere but ringside while the mess is cleaned up.

Backstage, Cathy Kelley finds herself with some familiar faces from the last time SGW was in operation and a newcomer. Starlight Kid, Giulia, and Mina Shirakawa stand to Cathy's left as she looks at them in disbelief.

[ Cathy Kelley ] Hi guys, Cathy Kelley here. I've been looking for you all day, Starlight. You haven't returned my calls, you've ignored my texts, and you blocked me on all social media!

[ Starlight Kid ] <You've gotten fatter since I last saw you, Cathy.>

[ Cathy Kelley ] What did you just say?!

Somehow, Cathy's fluent Japanese understanding has only grown stronger in the last year. Giulia snickers and nudges Starlight.

[ Giulia ] <She must weigh 400 pounds!>

[ Mina Shirakawa ] <If I were her, I'd never eat again. Fat whore.>

Cathy slumps her head but catches herself before getting too dejected, choosing to stand her ground.

[ Cathy Kelley ] I didn't raise you like this, Starlight! I got you chicken nuggies and drove you to the matches and everything!

[ Giulia ] <She's with us now. Way better off.>

Before Cathy gets another chance to respond, "The Franchise" himself, Shane Douglas, walks into the scene.

[ Shane Douglas ] YA' KNOW, CATHY KELLEY! HAHAHA! THEY'RE RIGHT! YOUR BARELY LEGAL TEEN DAUGHTER AND HER SLUTTY FRIENDS WERE FUCKIN' RIGHT ALLLLL ALONG!

Douglas licks his lips. His face is blood red.

[ Shane Douglas ] IF I WERE AS FUCKIN' FAT AS YOU, CATHY, HAHA, I'D R-I-P, KILL MYSELF, GONE AND NOT FORGOTTEN, AND NEVER THINK TWICE! YOU PIG!

[ Starlight Kid ] <Oink, oink! She's so disgusting!>

Douglas looks over to Shrakawa with lustful eyes.

[ Shane Douglas ] SPEAKING OF FAT.. LOOK AT THOSE FAT TITS! JEEZUS!

[ Mina Shirakawa ] <Is this the man who shit himself?>

[ Starlight Kid ] <It is truly a miracle he is not covered in his own feces right now!>

Thankfully interrupting this train wreck are the new SGW Tag Team Champions, Shawn Spears and Preston Vance. They survey the scene in front of them with looks of disgust.

[ Shawn Spears ] You know, I'd ask why you spent your time interviewing all of these fools instead of the newest Tag Team Champions, Cathy, but it's fitting for you to slum around with people like this.

[ Shane Douglas ] THAT'S RACIST AS FUCK, SPEARS!

[ Cathy Kelley ] That's a bold statement coming from a member of another random hodgepodge team to capture gold in SGW. Who booked you two anyway? What? Was The BMF and Tha' Tru Warriorz busy?

Spears lunges for Cathy and catches himself. He counts to five and points his index finger square between her eyes.

[ Shawn Spears ] Don't you DARE besmirch the good name of Tha' Tru Warriorz. You fucking bitch.

He slaps the faceplate of his title proudly as Vance remains like a statue behind him.

[ Shawn Spears ] These titles are prestigious. They have a lineage like no other. From the Dudleyz, Edge and Christian, and all of those other teams who carried the torch to the point we are today.. They did great work. But tonight, right now, you're looking at perfection. You're looking at the final tag team to ever hold these titles.. Just as God intended. The only thing that could stop us right now is Edge and Christian walking through that door and imposing their brand of corrupted injustice on us and taking those titles back for themselves to pad their record and boost their egos.

Shane Douglas, Cathy Kelley, all of V.I.X.E.N., and Preston Vance turn to look at the nearest door, fully expecting the timing to come back and strike Spears down.

[ Shawn Spears ] ...Was that a possibility or something?

[ Cathy Kelley ] They really don't like you.

This causes Spears to clutch his title tightly against his chest. He turns to Vance, fed up.

[ Shawn Spears ] Let's go, Preston. I'm tired of being around all of these fools. Call Ember and Marty, let's celebrate with some chicken nuggets and champagne like champions.

Two words catches Starlight Kid's attention.

[ Starlight Kid ] <CHICKEN NUGGIES?!>

[ Cathy Kelley ] No! Not until you change your attitude, ma'am. You're acting horrib- oh my god, Shane! Where did the axe in the back of your head come from?!

[ Shane Douglas ] AXE? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' AB-

Shane Douglas collapses at Cathy, Giulia, and Mina's feet. Blood oozes from a massive gash in the back of The Franchise's head caused by an axe buried deep into his skull. Starlight Kid's jaw drops at the horrific sight in front of her.

[ Starlight Kid ] <Look at the fat man! Check his wallet!>

The camera pans in for a tight, gruesome shot of Shane Douglas laying in a pool of his own blood from an unknown assailant. No one tries to help him, as a combination of fear and indifference have them frozen in time. It's not like he's probably never deserved an axe in the head over the last 15 years, but who killed Shane Douglas?!

REFEREE: PAUL TURNER | TIME LIMIT: 60:00

The championships are taken from each man and handed to Kayla Braxton at ringside. In return, she hands Paul Turner the new SGW Television Championship belt. He holds the title over his head and then presents it to both men.

One man will leave with a belly filled with candy, the other as the SGW Television Champion. Daniels and Dragon Kid circle one another, neither wanting to make the first mistake. Daniels lunges for Dragon Kid's leg and takes him down to the mat and quickly covers him - one! Paul Turner barely even got to one and Daniels realizes his error.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] A one count only for Christopher Daniels means he has to.. eat a handful of candy.

[ Tony Schiavone ] I love it. I love professional wrestling!

Turner reaches into his pocket and hands Daniels an assortment of miniature candy bars. Daniels grabs four or five and shoves them in his mouth. Before he finishes chewing, Dragon Kid wastes no time and dropkicks Daniels into the corner, sending half-chewed candy bars flying into the air! Dragon Kid mounts Daniels in the corner and begins hitting fist after fist, the fans counting along until he reaches nine. Daniels hits a low blow and shoves Dragon Kid off of him. Daniels covers - one.. two.. kick out!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Bloody hell, mate! Don't you know how the match works?!

[ Scott Steiner ] THIS MATCH WAS CREATED BECAUSE ONE OF THE BOOKERS OF THIS SHIT DIDN'T THINK THE CARD WAS SPOOKY ENOUGH, SO FUCKIN' NO, DUMBASS CHRIS DANIELS DOESN'T KNOW SHIT ALL OF ANYTHING BESIDES EATIN' CANDY LIKE A FAT ASS!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Christopher Daniels looks great for fifty, Scott. I mean-

[ Scott Steiner ] HE'S FAT!

Daniels buries his face in the palms of his hands as Paul Turner hands him more candy. This time, it's Sour Patch Kids. Daniels inhales a handful and chews them up. Before going back to the match, he turns to Paul Turner and holds his hand out.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Is.. Is he askin' for more?

[ Tony Schiavone ] They are a delicious gummy delicacy after all!

Turner tries explaining the rules to Daniels, who gets caught from behind by Dragon Kid and spun around, enziguri! Hurricanrana! One, two, th- kick out! Dragon Kid tries going back to the match but is stopped by Paul Turner, who hands him a large Pixie Stick. Confused, Dragon Kid reluctantly pours the contents into his mouth. Daniels is getting a big kick out of it, finally not having to be the one to inhale candy for once. Turner clears the match for more action and Dragon Kid spits in Daniels' face, covering it in red!

[ Tony Schiavone ] He.. He PIXIE STICK MISTED HIM! DANIELS IS BLINDED BY SUGAR!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] One more show, they said. Won't destroy our legacy, they said.

Dragon Kid hits Daniels with a spear and rolls him up, grabbing the tights. One, two, kick out at 2.99! He again has to eat another handful of candy. Paul Turner presents hard butterscotch candies. Dragon Kid takes two of them and begins crunching down on them. Daniels finally wipes the residue out of his eyes and sees what's going on. He slaps the remaining pieces of candy out of Paul Turner's hands and kicks Dragon Kid in the gut, ANGEL'S WINGS ON THE HARD CANDY! Daniels goes for the pin but thinks better of it at the last second. Instead, he steps on the bottom rope.. BEST.. MOONSAULT.. EVER! Daniels starts stomping Kid in the gut when he gets up off the mat.

[ Scott Steiner ] HE'S TRYIN' TO MAKE THE MAN PUKE.. OR SHIT HIS PANTS! OR BOTH! LOOK AT 'EM!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] It is an unique strategy right now, Scott, you're right. Daniels seems to be trying to down Dragon Kid with body blows, making him susceptible to a sugar rush or the inability to climb the top rope.

"PUKE! PUKE YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Daniels screams in Dragon Kid's face and gets rolled up! One, two, kick out!

[ Tony Schiavone ] More candy for Dragon Kid!

Dragon Kid pours candy corn in his mouth and shakes his head in disgust while chewing it up. The fans are getting restless, as these stoppages in the action really kill the flow.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Say guys, do you like candy corn?

[ Scott Steiner ] ONLY ANIMAL RAPISTS LIKE CANDY CORN!

[ Tony Schiavone ] I love my dog, Bug, but I would never do such and I LOVE candy corn!

Daniels rushes Dragon Kid and knocks him into the turnbuckle. He makes half of a lap across the ring and rushes back towards Kid and misses a big splash attempt! Dragon Kid body slams Daniels and goes up top.. 450 SPLASH! Dragon Kid perfectly nails Daniels and hooks the legs. This one is over. One, two.. Wait.. Dragon Kid gets off of Daniels, breaking the pin.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh my God..

Dragon Kid holds his stomach and covers his mouth..

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is not goin' to end well.

Vomit explodes through Dragon Kid's fingers, covering Christopher Daniels! The fans and Paul Turner collectively gasp at the horrific sight. Dragon Kid drops to his knees and vomits again in the corner. Daniels gets off of the mat, puke slides down his face like melting wax.

WINNER & NEW CHAMPION
CHRISTOPHER DANIELS via VOMIT in 10:48

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I am not a religious man. After tonight, I am changin' my tune and beggin' for the sound of the trumpet to signify the return of the Lord because I've seen all of this world that I need to. And if Jesus will not return to stop this, then please, at least send the asteroid.

Daniels demands Turner raise his arm in victory, which he reluctantly does. Daniels, still covered in vomit, doesn't even try to clean himself up. He climbs the corner and raises his arms in the air, screaming, "I DID IT! I AM THE TELEVISION CHAMPION!" Turner hands Daniels the championship and Daniels refuses, demanding the referee put it around his waist for him. Turner takes a deep breath and does his best, but the smell of fresh vomit overtakes him and Paul Turner vomits all over the Television Championship!

[ Scott Steiner ] GOD DAMN IT!

Not even phased, Daniels grabs the belt and shakes it off the best he can and drops to his knees, pressing the belt against his forehead. Fans at ringside are appalled at the sight, and the timekeeper vomits himself. Trying his best to cover, Tony Schiavone gives Christopher Daniels a signature call.

[ Tony Schiavone ] THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE!

The ring crew enter the ring and try scrubbing it down quickly, interrupting Daniels' celebration. The scene fades as the new Television Champion gives us one final parting comment, "I never puked! Iron. Effing. Stomach!" Fade.

Somewhere in the corridors beneath the Staples Center.

Shin Ultra Shoko follows closely behind Hyper Misao, their capes dragging the floor behind them, ridiculously dramatic capes like something out of a Todd McFarlane comic book. Misao holds a large magnifying glass up to her eye, following a trail that only she can see. Shoko peeks over Misao's shoulder nervously.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Misao, what do you see? It is very creepy and dark down here! >

Misao stops and stands upright. She places her hands on her hips and nods. The Goddess of Shock crown tilts slightly on her head she does so. As they come to a halt, we realize they're each wearing their SGW Twinstar Championship belts as well.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Yes, Shoko-chan. Murder is also creepy and dark, and it is our job as super heroes to find the person responsible for killing all these innocent people! >

Misao points further down the corridor.

[ Hyper Misao ] < I saw someone enter this corridor. Since there is no reason for anyone to be in this level of the arena, I am investigating their suspicious activity. Do you smell that?! >

Misao smells the air. Shoko looks around and smells as well.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Fruity Pebbles! >

Misao nods.

[ Hyper Misao ] < We must follow the scent and we will find the murderer! >

Misao raises the magnifying glass once again and follows the scent further down the corridor. Shoko continues sniffing the air with every step until they come to a heavy metal door. Misao places her hand on the handle and gives it a gentle shake. It's unlocked. Misao looks at Shoko and presses her finger to her lips, indicating that they should be silent. Misao then whips the door open violently, revealing former SGW World Tag Team Champion and road agent Tommy Dreamer hanging from hooks and chains like a scene from Hellraiser. His throat is slashed and his stomach is cut open, intestines piled on the floor beneath him. Shoko immediately screams and Misao whips around, shoving a sock from her utility belt into Shoko's mouth. Misao rights the crown on her head and observes the scene.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Interesting. >

Misao looks around the room and picks up a vape pen from the floor. She smells it and is greeted with the scent of Fruity Pebbles, the source of the trail that led them here. She nods and scratches her chin.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Unfortunately, this is a dead end, Shoko-chan. It appears that Tommy Dreamer's lifetime of disappointment has taken its toll on his fragile psyche! Being unable to defeat the Brahman Brothers in the deathmatch tournament last year must have been the cherry on top! This is obviously a suicide! >

Shoko pulls the dirty sock out of her mouth and drops it on the floor.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Are... are you sure it is a suicide, Misao? >

Misao plucks a spray bottle from her belt.

[ Hyper Misao ] < There is only one way to know for sure! I'll use my patented RESURRECTION SPRAY! It will bring him right back to life and he can tell us if he was murdered or if he was so ashamed of being a loser that he took his own pathetic life! >

Misao begins spraying down Dreamer's corpse until it's dripping wet. A familiar odor fills the room. Not surprisingly, Dreamer doesn't come back to life. Misao stands back with her hands on her hips, smiling proudly as she waits for her spray to take effect. Shoko stands behind her, nervous.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < How long does it take to work? >

[ Hyper Misao ] < I have no idea! >

Moments pass and Chavo Guerrero rounds the corner into the room, seeing the horror in front of him. He nearly drops Pepe upon sight of Dreamer's body.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Oh no! No! Tommy! Not you, too!

[ Hyper Misao ] < What a tragedy! The real victims of suicide are the ones left behind! >

Chavo reads the words that scroll across the bottom of the screen and shakes his head before turning back to Dreamer. He sniffs the air and covers his nose.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Why is he soaked with ammonia!? Jesus, no! Whoever did this covered the body with ammonia to shield all of the DNA evidence, Pepe!

Misao and Shoko look at each other nervously.

[ Hyper Misao ] < He was like that when we found him! As a matter of fact, it was the smell of ammonia that led us to the room in the first place! >

She elbows Shoko hard in the ribs.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < The murderer is very cunning. >

Chavo fights back tears as he looks Pepe in his cold button eyes.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] No more, Pepe! There can be no more! I have to find out who's doing this before someone kills SGW's legacy... but for real! With a knife!

Chavo turns and walks past Misao and Shoko.

[ Hyper Misao ] < We will accompany you! We are heroes after all! Ever vigilant! >

Misao and Shoko follow him out of the murder room.

REFEREE: MIKE CHIODA | TIME LIMIT: 30:00

Throughout the annals of professional wrestling history, there have been a great many scenes that could aptly be described as ‘ludicrous.’ Several of these moments have taken place on Solid Gold Wrestling events – hell, multiple moments which could be described in this way have taken place TONIGHT – and yet, somehow, seeing a tight camera shot on Mike Chioda’s wrinkled, battle-wizened face, panning outward to reveal the ring surrounded with literally thousands of stacked rolls of toilet paper…

…it’s just…

…it’s just jarring.

This scene is particularly upsetting when you consider the two men prepared for battle inside the ring are a pair of the more intense and serious competitors Solid Gold Wrestling has ever housed – Jimmy Havoc and Killer Kross.

To their credit, Kross and Havoc are about as serious as can be, neither man so much as blinking as the bell rings to kick off this potentially preposterous affair.

[ Tony Schiavone ] What a fun and unique stipul—

[ Scott Steiner ] FUCK THIS SHOW!

[ Tony Schiavone ] –lation to see…wait, what do you mean, Scott?

[ Scott Steiner ] MUMMY’S CURSE! THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE FUCKIN’ NUCLEAR GREEN SHIT STAIN ON THE BLOWN-UP TOILET BOWL THAT IS PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN’ PERSON RESPONSIBLE SHOULD BE RAPED BY FERAL BOARS!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I could not agree more, Scott.

With no further delay to be had by the descriptions of the inexplicably bizarre, Havoc and Kross meet in center-ring and literally begin smashing one another with brutal headbutts, one after another, ruthlessly driving the hardest parts of the skull directly into their opponents’ nose. After the seventh blow, Kross screams rapaciously and throws himself back into the ropes before bashing Havoc in the nose with a disgusting discus headbutt!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Look at the blood fly! My God, Jimmy Havoc took a helluva shot directly to the bridge of the nose there!

The King of the Goths stumbles backward, but catches himself on the middle rope, grabbing it tightly, allowing his knees to strike the top rope! This shifts his entire momentum and body, rebounding Havoc back into the ring where he rushes recklessly towards Kross, twirling across the center of the ring and leaping forward with an elbow strike, sending both men toppling out of the ring and crashing through the mountains of toilet paper rolls on the floor!

[ Tony Schiavone ] What an absolutely spine-tingling series of strikes! There’s nothing soft about this matchup, fans!

A moment or two post-impact, Jimmy Havoc’s head emerges from a gigantic pile of toilet paper rolls, short of breath and bleeding profusely from the cut on the bridge of his hooked nose.

[ Scott Steiner ] YOU CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING SOFT ABOUT IT, SCHIAVONE?! WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ PILE OF ULTRA-PLUSH MEXICAN TABLECLOTHS SEVERUS SNAPE JUST POPPED OUT OF?!

Havoc reaches down into the sea of TP rolls with both hands, retrieving Killer Kross by his throat before tossing him into the ring apron. He plucks a roll from the top of the pile and rips a few layers in, opening it to unfurl. Without hesitation, he begins relentlessly bandaging Kross’ right arm, concealing it completely beneath a few layers of toilet paper in about thirty seconds.

With his opponent hard at work, Killer Kross takes ample time to recover before scooping Havoc up under the left shoulder and recklessly launching him overhead, headfirst into the colossal pile of Charmin!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Lord, forgive me for saying this, but, ‘Doomsday Saito into the toilet paper rolls!’

Nigel is silent for a moment as the fans react to Havoc being dumped onto the top of his skull violently.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …I bloody hate myself. I really, truly do.

Kross wastes no time, diving into the mass of toilet paper, sending many rolls over the barricades into the audience! On top of Jimmy Havoc in the mass of rolls, Killer Kross bites off a chunk of TP from a roll and begins wrapping it around Jimmy’s face!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Ingenious strategy, in my opinion, friends! Killer Kross delivered a devastating maneuver and is now — get this! — trying to wrap Jimmy Havoc up in toilet paper to win the match!

The former patient of Doctor Stevie is relentless, continuing down Havoc’s head and around his neck before running out of paper on the roll. After a moment of struggling to unply a new roll, he finally succeeds and begins encasing Havoc’s torso.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …so, please, Tony, confirm this for me?

[ Tony Schiavone ] Absolutely, best buddy!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] You find the strategy of incapacitating your opponent for long enough so that it’s then possible to win the contest ingenious?

[ Tony Schiavone ] Roger that!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …right. And what makes that different than, oh, I don’t know, say…literally any other match ever?

[ Tony Schiavone ] This match involves THE MUMMY’S CURSE, Nigel!

[ Scott Steiner ] MOTHER FUCK! MOTHER FUCKING FUCK! KILLER, YOU SPINELESS, USELESS FUCK — HE’S RIGHT HERE! RIGHT FUCKING HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE — I NEED HIM DEAD HERE AND FUCKIN’ NOW!

After a concise and dedicated effort from Kross, he finishes completely consuming Jimmy’s right arm with paper. Kross continues his assault, pounding away at Havoc’s face until the King of the Goths reaches up and places his thumbs into Kross’ eye sockets! After a deep, guttural scream, Kross rolls off of Havoc, giving Jimmy time to rip a face-hole in the toilet paper wrapped around his head.

Jimmy rises from the mounds of toilet paper and grabs Kross by the ears, taking a moment to bite him directly between the eyes, drawing a few plucks of blood from his opponent’s forehead! After his momentary vampiric display, Havoc runs, then biels Killer Kross ahead, launching him into another massive pile of toilet paper rolls! Giving Kross no time to rest, Havoc scampers up the ring steps and then, even higher, up to the top rope!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OH MY! WHAT COULD THIS…CERTIFIABLE NUTCASE JIMMY HAVOC BE THINKING NOW?!

Havoc drags his thumb across his throat and dives, double-stomping into the void but absolutely connecting with Killer Kross below!

This is an absolute because of the visceral wail that emerges from the pile of toilet paper.

Killer Kross soon crawls from beneath, gripping his crotch with both hands, no longer able to army crawl any further than the corner of the barricades. Havoc emerges from the toilet paper a moment later, grinning broadly as the blood from his nose stains the wrappings around his head, neck, and upper chest red.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This…’match,’ if I can be so bold to call it that, has been an absolutely smash-mouth dervish through the lands of insanity and back! Jimmy Havoc appears to have taken this time away from Solid Gold Wrestling to become somehow even MORE reckless than before!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Yes, indeed, my best friend! Jimmy Havoc just performed a double stomp onto Killer Kross’ privates!

Catching up to his genitally-wounded counterpart, Havoc plucks another two rolls of toilet paper from the masses and begins to swarm Kross’ midsection with them, completely surrounding his torso in a matter of moments. Grabbing Kross up by the ears again, Havoc tosses the Doomsday Patient into the ring, rolling him through despite his hands still gripped around his genitals.

Once inside, Havoc stomps Kross viciously in the face, snapping his hands from his crotch and up to his face, but ripping several rounds of toilet paper Havoc had secured. After a moment or two of repair, Kross is now completely wrapped from the neck down to his waist!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Let’s recap — Jimmy Havoc is covered on the entire head, save for his face, his neck and pectoral region! Meanwhile, Killer Kross’ entire torso is wrapped, as well as his right arm!

[ Scott Steiner ] AND I’M THREE MINUTES AND FORTY SIX SECONDS AWAY FROM SNAPPIN’ YOUR FUCKIN’ NECK IF THIS BULLSHIT DOESN’T END!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Gosh, Scott! That’s scary! Please don’t punish me for the booki—

[ Scott Steiner ] TICK TOCK!

Havoc has a good measure of control, but is unable to do more mummification — as he’s unfortunately out of crap erasers! He scoots to the floor and grabs as many rolls as he can in his arms, tossing them under the bottom rope and into the ring before going back for another armful. After hauling this lot into the squared circle, Havoc slides back in and goes to work, wrapping up Kross’ right leg, top to bottom, foot and all in an entire roll of paper!

Nigel sighs deeply at the desk.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …anything new in your life, Scott?

Steiner replies quickly and just as harshly as you’d imagine.

[ Scott Steiner ] ONLY THIS NEWEST BLOOD VESSEL POPPIN’ OUTTA MY FACE! SHIT, I’LL BE DAMNED, BALDY IS ALIVE!

Kross, the shaved-headed competitor in question, has decided enough is enough and absolutely waffles Havoc with a straight kick to the side of the head, his added padding from Charmin doing nothing to mask or soften the blow, which appears to rattle the King of the Goths to his very core!

With more than half of his own body wrapped, Kross realizes the time to strike is now and charges, plowing through Jimmy Havoc with a low-angled European Uppercut! Taking heed to the rules of the match, Killer Kross begins tangling Havoc’s right leg with the paper, haphazardly mummifying it within the three-ply Charmin softness!

[ Tony Schiavone ] That’s a leg down for Killer Kross! He’s GOT to keep applying the pressure, though!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …don’t say it…

[ Tony Schiavone ] AND OF COURSE — THE TOILET PAPER!

As Nigel sighs deeply, Kross does follow the expert instructions from the world’s biggest fan of the Mummy’s Curse stipulation and applies another coat of toilet paper to Havoc’s right arm, lower torso and crotch, taking time to punch his opponent directly in the face before standing up, taking a moment to proudly admire his work.

[ Scott Steiner ] MOTHER FUCKER! FINISH THIS GARBAGE!

The brief moment of pride served as a minor re-set, and with both men to their feet, we returned to that from whence we came, absolutely abhorrent headbutts, brutally plowing through one another! Kross takes a step back and gutturally roars, launching himself forward with a Dragunov-styled torpedo headhunt, but Havoc steps in and connects with a pump kick RIGHT TO THE FACE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OOOOH, YUCKY!

As Kross slumps to the canvas, Havoc quickly grabs him by the left arm and begins wrapping it, top to bottom with a roll of paper! That’s another step closer! Smelling blood in the water now, Havoc keeps the pressure on, wrapping up Kross’ left leg with the remaining paper, grabbing another roll to finish off the job!

The fans roar as Havoc stands up, preparing to end the contest and permanently afflict Kross with the Mummy’s Curse, but Kross has other plans and rises, pumping his toilet paper-wrapped fists, scoring with a massive URANAGE SUPLEX! Now in the driver’s seat, Kross takes a few rolls in his arms and double-wraps Havoc’s left leg, consuming it!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Sweet Lord, Mother of Hosts, please allow this to end soon.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Nigel, don’t worry, these athletes signed up for this suffering — all in the name of giving these fans the best professional wrestling action in the entire universe!

Kross laughs wickedly and lifts winner up, throwing them back-first into the ropes before wrapping their left arm with toilet paper — AROUND the top rope!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Now, this is actually a sound strategy — if you can somehow make these cottony restraints enough to withhold these world-class athletes, then binding them TO the ring would make for an easier victory.

With both arms wrapped in toilet paper around the top rope now, Kross takes a step back and breathes out deeply, reflecting on the pain of the match before turning back towards Havoc, still mummified against the ropes. Kross talks a little trash before charging into the far side ropes — but stops in front of his opponent and leathers him with a slap across the face! The THWACKKK echoes around the Staples Center as red instantly forms over Havoc’s face!

[ Tony Schiavone ] NOW THAT WAS VICIOUS!

[ Scott Steiner ] THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS UNTIL DEATH, SCHIAVONE!

Chioda is not a fan of the illegal use of the ropes, but as he pretty much checked out after ringing the opening bell, he allows it and continues to lazily watch on. Kross takes another vault, launching himself into the far side ropes, but as he rebounds, Havoc somehow tears himself free of the perforated restraints binding him and ducks a clothesline, scoring with a vicious ACID RAINMAKER!

The fans are on their feet at the sight of the deadly Acid Rainmaker, only exploding further as Havoc quickly wraps up Kross' left leg, then encases both legs together!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Uh oh.

Lifting Kross up, Havoc scores with another terrifying ACID RAINMAKER, dropping his opponent in a heap! Unfurling another roll, Havoc quickly surrounds his opponent’s torso, arms and all, finishing the job by encasing Kross' head and face in toilet paper!

WINNER
JIMMY HAVOC in 08:14

With the speakers resounding the domineering tune of his theme, Havoc rises with an evil grin on his face, throwing his hands into the sky as Kross wiggles on the canvas, completely consumed with the Mummy’s Curse!

…although, shame is quite possibly the cause of their wiggling, too.

Who’s to say?

[ Tony Schiavone ] INCREDIBLE! What a beautiful tribute to the sheer physical entertainment we’ve grown to expect from Solid Gold Wrestling and the art — that’s right — I said ART! — of professional wrestling these many years! This might have been the finest contest I have ever seen! THIS COULD BE THE GREATEST MATCHUP IN THE HISTORY OF THIS BUSINESS!

A headset slams down on the desk and a rustling is heard.

[ Tony Schiavone ] No! Scott! There’s still so much more to come right here tonight in Los Angeles!

Havoc leaps from the ring and heads up the ramp, proud to have survived this brush with certain death and the curse of the mummy. After reaching the stage, Havoc takes a final look over his shoulder, to the wriggling-mess of toilet paper left on the mat in the ring, and smirks, leaving the arena the victor.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is for the best, Tony. He’ll be back, but I do not think the drink vendor there should stand in his way much longer.

[ Tony Schiavone ] OOOH! That looked like a rough fall!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Indeed, it did, Tony. And now Scott’s got…three jumbo sized Coors Light cups in his left hand? Annnnnnd he just dumped them all down his throat. At the same time, Scott? Gee.

[ Tony Schiavone ] After a match of THAT magnitude, I think we all need a drink, Nigel!

Back in the ring, finally, Kross' face pops through the wrappings of toilet paper surrounding their head and begins screaming for the official to assist them from their confines…though the everlasting curse of the Mummy shall be far more difficult to shake.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] …you can say that again, Tony.

We fade to the back.

Another close shot of a corner, somewhere along another nondescript corridor below the Staples Center.

After a moment’s pause, Pepe’s felt head slowly eases out from behind the corner and turns left, then right — then sharply left again — then right once more, before disappearing behind the corner once more. Another beat passes and Chavo Guerrero, Jr. slowly steps into the open corridor, eyes tracking around the corridor for any hope of answers.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] …it’s quiet.

He steps forward slowly, the camera recording him all the while. Behind him, Hyper Misao steps out, her obnoxiously large magnifying glass directed to the cold concrete floor of the Staples Center, but following another unseen trail. Bringing up the rear is Shin Ultra Shoko, whose eyes are the size of dinner plates. She puts two fingers between the neck of her costume and pulls it outward.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Yes, a little too quiet! >

The triumvirate boldly continue down the corridor, the bravest of all, Pepe, leading the way.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Gosh, Mr. Guerrero, your steed is surely the noblest and most courageous of it’s entire kind! How bold to gallop valiantly, perhaps even into the grasp of the mysterious killer! >

Chavo stops, then turns back to Shoko and nods, then looks at Pepe proudly.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Thank you! I like to think we make one another better men! Huh? What’d you say, Pepe?

Chavo and Pepe turn, synchronized perfectly in timing, to their left, looking across the corridor at a set of heavy metal doors, smoke faintly rolling beneath from the tiniest cracks between barrier and ground. Shoko gulps, but Misao continues down the path laid out by her magnifying glass towards the smoke. When she reaches the door, she stops and re-holsters the glass before turning towards the group.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Most curious, adventuring compatriots! Any hero knows that smoke is not a naturally occurring substance, so this must be the handiwork of the villain most treacherous! >

Mouth agape in amazement, Shoko nods. Chavo, too, nods curtly.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Be careful! We have no idea what danger could be behind those doors…

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Oh no! What if the entire room has gone up in the most awful flames of fiery terror? >

Misao whips her cape up dramatically onto her elbow and then throws it back, a single finger flying into the air as she speaks.

[ Hyper Misao ] < But, ho! Observe, friends — I have been trained in the art of fire safety! >

Chavo, Pepe, and Shoko step forward, observing as Misao requested as she rescinds her finger, then puts it back up into the air.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Firstmost! Fire is a fickle fiend — whether friend or foe, the flames will fall any foolish enough to face them for a fight! >

Pepe’s head turns slowly towards Chavo.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] <aside> Yes, I, too, read alliteration was one of her super-powers.

Misao holds up another finger.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Secondly, should any of us be accosted by or with fire, the safest course of action is to proceed with a simple, three-stepped approach! >

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Yes! Of course! >

[ Hyper Misao ] < Stop! Drop! And roll! Now, let us investigate… >

Misao gently pops the handle of the door a time or two to check its temperature, then, wrapping her hand in her cape, opens the door to the room! Smoke billows out of the dark room, but Misao dashes in, Chavo and Pepe right behind her.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Ahhhhhhhhhh! Fire! >

Shoko immediately drops to the arena floor and begins rolling to and fro as the camera follows behind Misao, Chavo, and Pepe.

[ Hyper Misao ] < The murderous brute has ever-so-analytically hidden their tracks in the darkness! >

Misao coughs, the smoke getting to her. Noticing a panel of switches, Chavo flips them, eventually turning on the lights and a fan in the room. After a moment of coughing and eye-wiping, the room drains of all smoke, revealing a horrifically burned mass in the center of the room, a litany of scorch marks and blackened, warped furniture surrounding it.

There’s a shared scream from all members of the adventuring party.

…other than Pepe.

Eventually, the group recovers and steps closer, each analyzing the scene carefully.

[ Hyper Misao ] < Great Scott, Ginger Defender of the Realms of Good! This deviant has given an early end to yet another! >

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Their penchant for depravity is matched only by their penchant for dramatics! >

Shoko steps closer, then Pepe goes nose-to-nose with the ‘head’ of the body, returning to Chavo for a silent second until —

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Is…is that a chicken suit?!

Guerrero steps closer, going to reach for the scorched remains of the body, but Misao stops him with an outstretched hand.

[ Hyper Misao ] < WAIT! What if this charred corpse is just another ploy from the rampaging murderer, only seeking to claim our lives atop his mountainous pile of bodies?! Ah-ha! I shall utilize the age-old TAP OF LIFE to inspect any ill-doing!>

Chavo nods, agreeing to err to the side of caution, and watches tensely. Stepping forward with purpose, Misao lifts her right boot slowly from the ground and stomps down onto the crotch of the blackened body, the weakened bones crunching beneath her sole. A groan erupts from the crowd in the arena as Misao gingerly removes her foot. Chavo and Misao are both wide-eyed as Misao swallows, nodding slowly.

[ Hyper Misao ] < I can confirm the victim is dead, Mr. Guerrero. >

Still wincing, Chavo steps forward and kneels, removing the Scarecrow’s hat from his costume respectfully before gently reaching over and prying the head from the mascot chicken suited body before him.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Be careful, Mr. Guerrero, it might have salmonella! >

Chavo looks over to Shoko and nods, then removes the chicken’s mask — to reveal a charred and most certainly dead Terry Taylor!

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] NO! NO NO NO NO! Terry, no!

As Chavo begins sobbing on the floor, witnessing the aftermath of a horrific death for yet another compatriot, Shoko sides up to Misao quietly and whispers.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Excuse me, Misao, but who is this man? >

[ Hyper Misao ] < This is Terry Taylor, also known as the Red Rooster, Shoko. Also, Man of the 21st Century, Terrance Taylor. He is an esteemed co-founder of Solid Gold Wrestling. >

The two heroes are respectful and bow their heads, commemorating the memory of the departed Taylor while Chavo sobs on the floor. Eventually, he rises from the ash-covered ground and replaces his Scarecrow’s hat, wiping tears from his face and sniffling.

[ Shin Ultra Shoko ] < Mr. Guerrero! We mourn the loss of your friend. How tragic to be insulted before death with the gimmicks of your past…I would be desolate to be dressed in the Big Kaiju costumes of yore before my untimely incineration. >

Chavo clears his throat as Pepe eases towards his ear, silently reassuring his long-time partner.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Pepe is right. Too many have been killed tonight…Terry Taylor…Jim Cornette…Shane McMahon…Tommy Dreamer…Vice President Keith Lee…the desire for SGW to ever return…

Misao’s face scrunches in confusion as Chavo continues.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] …no more. I can’t take any more death. We have to find this murderer! Pepe says he saw a hallway much darker than others earlier tonight — so c’mon! I think I know where we have to look!

Chavo and Pepe dash through the door, Misao and Shoko right behind him as the camera fades to black on a final, heartbreaking look at the blackened corpse of Terry Taylor.

Fade.

REFEREE: AUBREY EDWARDS | TIME LIMIT: 60:00

The charred and scarred visage of the one and only Prince Nana fills your screen as he grins wickedly, shouting words of encouragement for his charge, “the Dread Princess of Dark Water,” Kairi Hojo, making her Solid Gold Wrestling debut to face off with one of her longtime rivals, the lynchpin of the division and the SGW Limitless Champion, Ruby Soho.

[ Scott Steiner ] This guy looks like Freddy fuckin’ Kreuger — what’s the story there, Jeremy Corbyn?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Well, let’s see if I can piece it all together, Scott…

Nigel clears his throat as Ruby and Kairi continue to stare one another down, not breaking their line of sight on the other even after the bell has rang.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] A few years ago, these two women met in a San Diego-based promotion best known for it’s lack of kitsch and over-dramatics —

[ Tony Schiavone ] MY GOD! SUCH A PLACE CAN REALLY EXIST?!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I’m afraid so, Tony. Either way, despite their placement at the bottom of the cards beneath titans such as ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan, the Honky Tonk Man, and a man known as “the Reaper,” who I have never heard of in my extensive career —

[ Tony Schiavone ] Wow, he sounds super cool!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] — mmhmm. These two women put forth clinics of action in a heated rivalry which has since spanned their careers. At the end of said rivalry, with their time in this bizarre promotion winding down, Prince Nana was burned by an errant fireball in an attack meant for Ruby Soho in their final confrontation.

Hojo and Soho step forward, the Staples Center rocking for this momentous encounter between long-time rivals.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Ruby Soho, Kairi Hojo, nor Prince Nana were ever seen there again, though a terrible fraud, claiming to be Hojo, later appeared speaking perfect English. Soho, of course, saw extensive success in our own Solid Gold Wrestling, but Hojo and Nana have been waiting in the wings to strike at precisely the right moment — and tonight is that moment! Halloween — SGW Kills!

[ Scott Steiner ] AND HOW CONVENIENT IS IT, GEORGE HARRISON — NOW KRUEGER'S RUNNIN’ WILD ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT!

Finally, the bulls lock horns in center ring, each woman struggling to find an advantage with their clever reversals of one another’s offensive grappling. Eventually, Ruby finds an advantage and leaps onto the torso of her rival, latching on with a Love Lock, a favorite hold consisting of a body scissor with a Fujiwara Armbar! Soho wrenches back, but Kairi is quickly rescued by Prince Nana, who reaches through the bottom ropes and pulls her to the floor!

[ Aubrey Edwards ] HEY! Nana, you stay out of the action, that’s gonna be an ejecti—

[ Prince Nana ] YOU WILL SHUT! YOUR WHORE MOUTH, AUBREY!

Back inside the ring, Ruby immediately leaps towards her opponent again, pressing the advantage, but Hojo swats her down to the mat, stepping over her torso and locking her up with a bridging Gedo Clutch, the 4173! Aubrey is down — two count! — but Ruby rolls the pinning combination over, straddling Kairi and applies the Love Lock yet again! Kairi, in a hurry, reaches the bottom rope and grasps it for dear life to break the hold again.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Certainly seems as though Ruby Soho realizes that Kairi Hojo is a world-class opponent and that a balanced attack could be her best shot at victory.

Back to their feet, Ruby presses yet again, rushing inward for perhaps another body scissors, but Kairi counters with a lightning-quick dropkick! Grabbing her opponent, Hojo scrapes Soho’s face across the ropes, dropping her finally into the corner of the ring before charging across the squared circle and diving ahead with the Sliding D! The forearm strike smashes Ruby and Kairi is quick to pull her out of the corner. With Nana cheering, Kairi covers — One! T- no! Ruby kicks out at one! Nana begins yelling for Kairi to press the advantage and the Pirate Princess quickly vaults to the apron, sizing her opponent up and soaring in with a springboard forearm smash — WHICH RUBY CATCHES!

[ Tony Schiavone ] STO OUT OF NOWHERE!

The Staples Center roars as Ruby hooks the leg! ONE! TWO! NO! Kairi kicks out at two!

[ Scott Steiner ] Hell of a counter move!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] These women are both going hell for leather here!

Ruby lifts Kairi from the mat and viciously powerbombs her into center ring! Jackknife pin — ONLY A TWO! Slowing it down slightly, Ruby applies a chin lock and works Kairi’s head, twisting it around at all angles as Nana jeers from the floor. Soho transitions into a Stretch Plum, but Kairi uses her excellent flexibility to pop her rival with a stiff kick to the head! And another! A third and Ruby releases the hold! Kairi is up and charges, neck aching — RUNNING BLOCKBUSTER! Kairi hooks the legs! ONE! TWO! No, only a two count for Kairi Hojo!

Nana yells encouragement for his charge as she rises, stalking her downed rival.

[ Kairi Hojo ] < Are you finished yet, Ruby?! >

Kairi maintains control and applies a textbook Steiner Recliner —

[ Scott Steiner ] HELL YEAH! CHOKE THE BITCH!

— before rolling Ruby forward into the Gedo Clutch! She’s once again looking for 4173, but Ruby counters, rolling Kairi and lifting her pendulum-styled onto her feet before using their momentum and launching to a standing position — forearm strike from Ruby! She whips Kairi to the ropes, Kairi ducks a clothesline, rebounds again — Hojo’s looking for the Interceptor spear, but Ruby stops her in her tracks with a superkick, right to the top of the head!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] JEEEEZUS! WHAT A DISGUSTING SUPERKICK!

Kairi is rightfully stunned and Ruby capitalizes — Heidi-Can-Rana! Right to the top of her head! ONE! TWO! THR— NO! Kairi is up before three, but only just barely! Ruby recognizes the wear on her longtime rival and ascends to the top turnbuckles, standing backwards, and looking for a big time play to put away the Dread Pirate of Dark Water — could it be a moonsault? — but there’s no time to know as Hojo is up and knocks Ruby down to the top turnbuckle! Kairi climbs too, looking to grab her opponent and return an earlier favor, lifting her up and into position for a super powerbomb!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh my goodness!

Ruby thankfully counters out, gripping Kairi for a superplex as the two balance precariously on the top turnbuckle! She struggles to lift, eventually giving way for Hojo to counter with a sickening kraken palm strike, knocking Ruby to her ass on the turnbuckle pad and down further, tangled into the ropes! Kairi Hojo’s dark eyes grow impossibly darker as she recovers just enough to stand tall and dive, plowing both feet through Ruby’s chest with the Marine Spike! She pulls her out — one! TWO! THR— NO! NO! Ruby kicks out just before three, too!

Nana is belligerent on the floor, calling Ruby and Aubrey every name in the book and a variation of them, as well, but Kairi is nonplussed with the kickoff and lifts her opponent from the mat, engaging in a strike-fest! Ruby fires back with a forearm, but Kairi replies with a slap to the mouth! Forearm! A matching forearm from Kairi! Back and forth they go! Kairi hooks Ruby for a brainbuster — but it’s countered! — Ruby quickly launches ahead, wrapping her legs around Kairi’s head and driving her face-first into the turnbuckle with the Deadly Night Shade! Kairi is dazed, swinging forearms at nothing until Ruby clips her with a gross enzuigiri! ONE! TWO! NO! Kairi Hojo will not quit!

[ Tony Schiavone ] My word, what a classic encounter!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Indeed, these two women have kept the pedal pressed through the bottom of the damn car for the entire match thus far!

Ruby is up first and climbs again to the top turnbuckles, looking down at the Pirate Princess and diving forth with a frog splash! — BUT NO WATER IS IN THE POOL! Kairi moves! On yet another burst of energy, Kairi picks up her opponent and prepares for the Tokyo Slam, but Ruby rolls on through the hold and pulls Kairi with her, rolling over and onto her knees before Soho comes crashing in with an absolutely rancid Shining Wizard! DISGUSTING IMPACT! ONE! TWO! NO! How in the world is Hojo kicking out?!

[ Tony Schiavone ] How in the world is Kairi Hojo kicking out?!

[ Scott Steiner ] DAMMIT, THE NARRATOR JUST SAID THAT!

Frustrated with the latest kickoff, Ruby puts Kairi on her shoulders and begins the arduous climb up to the second rope! The Staples Center is alive and pushing Soho further up the ropes, finally reaching a seat atop the highest turnbuckle pad! Ruby rises, standing with her opponent on her shoulders as Los Angeles roars around her — she’s looking for an Avalanche Riott Kick! As she launches forward, Kairi scrambles away, landing on her feet as Ruby crashes to the mat and hooks the outstretched leg, wrapping Soho up with the cross-legged crab!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is her hold — IKARI! The Anchor!

Ruby struggles, doing her best to stay in the game, but absolutely in agony from the pain the Ikari is putting on her lower back and legs, both of which have taken a beating from this contest! Finally, Ruby manages to just grasp the bottom rope, Aubrey counting down in Kairi’s face to break the hold! Hojo eventually does so, but not before running and kicking Ruby in the ribs, lifting her again and up for another powerbomb!

[ Scott Steiner ] JACKKNIFE HER ASS, NASH-STYLE! RIP BIG KEV, YOU TARZAN FUCK!

Ruby wriggles around, not accepting defeat, and scrambles enough to PLANT Kairi with a DDT from her own shoulders! The Staples Center is alive with the sound of music, namely, humming “Ruby Soho!” Ruby takes energy from their support and ascends a third time, up to the top rope! She cracks her neck and prepares for a top-rope senton — but Prince Nana is up and onto the ring apron!

[ Tony Schiavone ] HEY! Get him off of there!

Aubrey does her best to interject as Nana grabs Ruby’s left ankle, but she quickly staggers him with her right foot, knocking him back a step before —

[ Nigel McGuinness ] OH MY GOD!

— flying through the air, landing on Nana’s shoulders and connecting with a scintillating hurricanrana from the apron to the floor! Los Angeles is roaring as Ruby hops up, onto the apron — BUT KAIRI IS IN HOT PURSUIT!

[ Tony Schiavone ] She’s looking for an Interceptor through the ropes!

Kairi, indeed, is careening towards Ruby, who lifts her knees right to her rival’s face! Ruby steps in and springs off the bottom rope with her back foot, WRECKING KAIRI’S SHIT WITH A HEIDI-HO! Not finished yet, Ruby picks up Hojo, onto her shoulders before stepping into center ring with a grimace on her face! Soho lifts Kairi and launches her forward before SMACKING her in the face with a gross RIOT KICK!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] RIOT KICK! GOOD LORD, SHE KICKED HER FACE IN!

Ruby army crawls to her opponent, hooking both legs and rolling back onto her torso as Aubrey counts the one — two — THREE — to give Soho the well-earned victory.

WINNER & STILL CHAMPION
RUBY SOHO via PIN in 12:58

The aforementioned song “Ruby Soho” blares across the speakers as the woman Ruby Soho rolls off her opponent, gripping her sore back from the wear of the intense match.

[ Scott Steiner ] The Bird-lady did it — she overcame that skinny pirate broad and Freddy Krueger — and I gotta give the weird-lookin’ bitch credit! She’s one tough son of a bitch!

On the floor, Nana is weeping miserably, incoherently referencing shrimp cocktail and the lizard which put him in this horrible predicament before Hojo joins him, feebly on the mats. The two are assisted by backstage workers, helped to the back as Soho watches. Her rival vanquished for perhaps the final time, Aubrey Edwards brings in the SGW Limitless Championship, a title with which Soho is permanently associated, and presents it to the retaining champion in what may be the belt’s all-time most intense defense.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Whoo-wee! What a match that was, huh, best buddy? And we’re NOT THROUGH YET!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Indeed, Tony, and despite the best efforts of seemingly everyone involved, this Sisyphean evening shall roll on even further beyond this absolute barn-burning classic we’ve just witnessed between these two women here tonight. My hat is off to the both of you — excellent encounter from two world-class athletes!

Ruby, staring lovingly at the SGW Limitless Championship, smiles to Aubrey as she lifts her hand, and then visibly thanks the audience before climbing the turnbuckles and lifting the championship into the air victoriously as we fade to black.

Gravel crunches beneath a man's boots.

The camera pans up to reveal a trio of SGW legends in camo pants and wife beaters... Buff Bagwell, Sid Vicious, and Tommaso Ciampa. They look around their surroundings... the forest, dirt road, and a house dead ahead. All three of them look as though they're itching for a fight. Their path is only illuminated by the headlights of their jeep, parked several feet behind them.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] Missouri of all places. What a dump.

Buff lowers his sunglasses and nods.

[ Buff Bagwell ] Ain't that the truth. Chavo made the call, though, boys. There's a happenin' goin' on in Los Angeles tonight... murders 'n shit. And there's only one guy in SGW that's known for murderin' folks.

[ Sid Vicious ] Former GWF World Champion, Dave Batista!

Sid holds his open hand out in front of him and clenches a tight fist.

[ Sid Vicious ] DAVE... BATISTA! SCUM OF THE EARTH!

[ Buff Bagwell ] Actually, TMZ is reporting that Batista got murdered by those fat ass cops, Team Terrible or Team Triple Whopper, or whatever their names were.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] Their names are Team Tremendous and they're a national treasure.

Ciampa turns and looks over his shoulder at the house.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] Besides, if they killed Batista, they deserve a medal.

Sid stares down at his trembling fists.

[ Sid Vicious ] POWER BOMB!

Buff places his hand on Sid's wrists and lowers his hands.

[ Buff Bagwell ] Easy, big guy.

Bagwell looks over his shoulder at Ciampa.

[ Buff Bagwell ] We're not lookin' for Batista, we're lookin' for someone much worse than that...

His voice becomes lower, deadly serious.

[ Buff Bagwell ] ...the man who killed Taz.

Ciampa nods.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] Orton.

They all turn to face the house, which is completely dark aside from the light provided by the jeeps headlights. They advance on the house and step up onto the porch. They look around before Buff finally knocks. No answer, no lights, no sign of life at all. Without warning, Sid kicks the front door in. He looks around, veins bulging in his neck.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] What do you see?

Sid points into the infinite darkness.

[ Sid Vicious ] WHAT... DO I SEEEEE!? I AIN'T GOIN' IN THERE, BALD BOY! I DON'T LIKE THE FUCKIN' DARK! SID VICIOUS IS THE RULER... AND THE MASTER... OF THE WORLD! WHEN IT'S DAYTIME! NIGHT TIME, SID VICIOUS DOES NOT WANDER THE WORLD, HE RULES THE DREAMSCAPE! IT'S YOUR ASS THAT'S GONNA SEARCH THE DARKNESS, BOY!

Buff clears his throat and points inside the house.

[ Buff Bagwell ] See what you can find. I'm sure there's some clues in there.

Ciampa shakes his head and clicks on a flashlight.

[ Buff Bagwell ] Just follow your nose.

Ciampa turns and looks at Buff, narrowing his eyes as a sense of familiarity washes over him... but his mind can't quite place why that phrase beckons to him. Because that part of his life has been erased from existence and only a particular Big Bad Booty Daddy remembers it. Ciampa ventures into the first room and shines the light around... and after searching the rest of the house, his report is grim.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] It's empty... cleaned out.

Buff wipes the sweat from his brow.

[ Buff Bagwell ] Shit. He could be anywhere.

Bagwell turns and stares out into the woods.

[ Buff Bagwell ] He could be watching us right now.

Peering into the darkness behind Ciampa, inside the house, Sid's eyes narrow as he sees a flicker of color. He points behind Ciampa with one trembling finger.

[ Sid Vicious ] I think I SEEEEEE somethin'!

Ciampa turns and shines the light in the far corner of the room. He sees the color as well and approaches. He kneels down and picks up a photograph, turning it over in his hand. Buff and Sid approach from behind, finally having the courage to come inside. They look down over Ciampa's shoulder and see the photograph.

[ Buff Bagwell ] I don't get it.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] This is worse than I could have ever imagined.

He whips out his cell phone and dials a number. The person on the other line picks up.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] Chavo, it's not Orton.

Ciampa stands up, sweat rolling off his face.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] It's Barbie Blank!

He holds the phone out in front of him.

[ Tommaso Ciampa ] SHE'S ALIVE!

Fade.

REFEREE: PAUL TURNER | TIME LIMIT: NO TIME LIMIT

There are six pumpkins hanging around the ring, four above the turnbuckles and two above the announce tables. Paul Turner goes corner to corner, checking the security of the cables supporting the pumpkins as each wrestler makes their entrance. Starlight Kid makes her entrance without issue, but as Maki Itoh follows, she's jumped by Giulia and Mina Shirakawa! The fans boo loudly as the trio known as V.I.X.E.N. goes to work, stomping away at her on the stage!

[ Tony Schiavone ] What a cowardly attack!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Giulia is no stranger to underhanded tactics, Tony. She helped Christian Michael Jacobi lead the team known as VENOM to tag team gold with just these sort of gangland attacks!

[ Scott Steiner ] God damn, the one in pink's top heavy as fuck! She's gonna fall over if she ain't careful! I better go help her out!

Hyper Misao and Shin Ultra Shoko emerge from the back and even the odds, trading forearms with Mina and Giulia as Starlight Kid stays tied up with Itoh! Misao and Giulia go back and forth as they fight down the ramp until Misao ducks a haymaker and dumps Giulia over the rail and into the front row! Mina and Shoko fight on the edge of the stage until JINNY emerges from the back and pushes them both off, through a table on the floor!

[ Scott Steiner ] That's it for those two! The air bags mighta' saved that pink spinner but I doubt it! Everybody knows that the female form ain't meant to take a fall like that! Especially them small shapeless ones like the one in the dumb mask and cape! She got them hollow bones and that big ass head, there's no doubt in mind that she died on impact!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Who are you to doubt the resilience of Shin Ultra Shoko!?

[ Scott Steiner ] SHE'S FUCKIN' DEAD I TELL YA!

Jinny then boots Starlight Kid in the head and pulls Itoh off the floor. Itoh tries to fight back but Jinny keeps the advantage with a knee lift and drills her with the ACID RAINMAKER, turning her inside out! Wasting no time, Jinny charges past Hyper Misao and slides under the bottom rope. Jinny goes straight for the turnbuckles and reaches for the first pumpkin! Hyper Misao tries to follow her inside but TYLER BREEZE hits the ring to help his fellow fashionista, grabbing Misao in a wheelbarrow position, yanking her out of the ring, and whipping her against the guardrail!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] With the match finally officially underway, I should mention that this match cannot be won or lost until all six pumpkins are broken... what's hidden inside the pumpkins? Who knows, gentlemen? I've been given absolutely zero information heading into match!

[ Scott Steiner ] So they gotta break all these orange shits and get punkin' guts all over fuckin' everything before they can even go for a pin or a submission? That's STUPID! What if one of'em pulls a belt outta' one o' these god damn punkin's?!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Then I would presume that woman would become the holder of whichever title they discover--

[ Scott Steiner ] --but then... BUT THEN THEY CAN STILL GET PINNED WHEN IT'S ALL OVER AND LOSE THE MATCH BUT STILL BE A FUCKIN' CHAMPION!? AND SOMEBODY CAN WIN THE WHOLE MATCH BUT LEAVE WITHOUT NO BELT!? JUST A BUNCH O' FUCKIN' PUNKIN' GUTS IN BOTH HANDS!?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I... I think so, Scott.

[ Scott Steiner ] Who the fuck would book a match where a bunch o' second place scrubs can walk away with all kinds o' gold and the guy who wins the whole fuckin' thing don't get NOTHIN'!? That's stupid! Some fuckin' JOKE can walk away with big gold and end up feudin' with Prince Albert or somethin' while the REAL man that deserves the gold just has to spin his tires and wait for his one on one title shot!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Any of these four ladies versus Prince Albert! What a super brawl that would be!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] All of this seems oddly specific.

Jinny gets the pumpkin free and throws it down into the center of the ring, shattering it! She climbs down and smiles as she sees her prize lying among the pumpkin guts!

NEW 1/2 SGW TWINSTAR CHAMPION
JINNY

[ Tony Schiavone ] Jinny is now one half of the Twinstar Champions! But what does this mean for the previous champions, Hyper Misao and Shin Ultra Shoko!?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] If one of those titles is up for grabs, you'd have to imagine the other one is as well! Whoever discovers it will join Jinny in Twinstar glory!

Before Jinny has a chance to celebrate, Starlight Kid hits the ring and nails Jinny from behind with a forearm, sending her sprawling forward into the pumpkin guts! Jinny looks horrified as her gear is ruined, but as soon as she rises back up to her knees, Starlight Kid nails her with a running dropkick to the back! Jinny rolls to the floor and Starlight Kid leaps onto the middle rope, attempting to snag the next pumpkin... however, Maki Itoh has returned to the ring! Itoh follows Starlight up and they trade forearms seated on the top turnbuckle! Finally, Itoh lands a headbutt that sends Starlight Kid tumbling to the floor! Itoh reaches up and grabs the pumpkin! She busts it open on the ring post in front of her, revealing... the orange paint splattered urn from the Taz Memorial Show! Itoh looks confused, but before she can make sense of it, Giulia and Mina Shirakawa hit the ring and TANDEM POWERBOMB ITOH OFF THE TURNBUCKLE!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Good God almighty!

[ Scott Steiner ] That big ass head is toast!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I would say that the official needs to get this match under control but alas, there's no disqualification in a Smashing Pumpkins match!

Giulia and Mina roll out of the ring and help Starlight Kid to her feet. They roll her onto the announce table and help her stand up before hoisting her onto their shoulders. Starlight Kid is still a little out of it as her fingers graze the pumpkin just above her head. Finally, Starlight gets a good grip on it and pulls it down, throwing it onto the floor at ringside to shatter it! Starlight Kid pumps her fists in victory as the prize is revealed!

NEW SGW GODDESS OF SHOCK CHAMPION
STARLIGHT KID

[ Scott Steiner ] Oh man, the creepy little girl in the gimp mask got some stupid crown!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] That crown is the SGW Goddess of SHOCK Championship and until this moment, it belonged to Hyper Misao!

[ Scott Steiner ] God damn, how many belts or titles or crowns or what the fuck ever did this jabbering green idiot have!? I thought the man upstairs wanted a serious women's division but clearly that ain't the case. These bitches should've been on poles all along!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Hyper Misao is a national treasure!

Hyper Misao looks on, devastated as one and a half of her titles have been lost! She charges into the ring and goes straight for one of the other pumpkins hanging over the turnbuckles! She tries to pull it down but has no luck before Jinny returns to the ring and yanks her down. Misao and Jinny trade forearms before Jinny nails Misao out of nowhere with a ROLLING KICK! Jinny is unable to capitalize before Maki Itoh returns to her feet and nails her from behind with a running forearm! Jinny staggers forward into the turnbuckle and turns around just in time to catch a dropkick to the chest from Itoh! Jinny staggers out and falls in the center of the ring. Itoh climbs the turnbuckles and prepares to come off with the FLYING BIG HEAD but Tyler Breeze climbs onto the apron and grabs Itoh's ankle. holding her in place... prompting Mizuki to emerge from the back and climb onto the apron! She charges at Breeze and runs... nailing him with the CANDY WHIRL ON THE APRON AND TO THE FLOOR! Itoh pounds on her own head with her palm and then flies... FLYING BIG HEAD TO JINNY!

[ Scott Steiner ] She landed on her like a fuckin' asteroid with that big ass head!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Jinny is in trouble now!

Giulia and Starlight hit the ring and immediately begin putting the boots to Itoh and Jinny in the center of the ring! Then they both turn around just in time to see Misao perched on the top rope... "I AM A HERO!" she cries out before flooring them both with a crossbody! Giulia rolls to the floor, cradling her head. Misao quickly leaps onto the middle turnbuckle and steps onto the top, freeing the fourth pumpkin! She holds it over her head and turns around to see Starlight Kid returning to her feet... Misao flies! HITTING STARLIGHT KID IN THE HEAD WITH THE PUMPKIN, SHATTERING IT! THUMBTACKS, RAZOR BLADES, PUMPKIN GUTS, AND PIECES OF CANDY!

[ Scott Steiner ] God damn! It's like a pinata from Hell!

Hyper Misao is visibly disappointed that she didn't free the other half of her Twinstar titles... but before she can try for the other pumpkin, she's whipped around by Maki Itoh who slaps her in the face with a handful of pumpkin guts and then headbutts her, sending her tumbling through the ropes to the floor! Itoh points to the last remaining pumpkin hanging over the turnbuckle and begins climbing! Jinny comes alive and follows her up but Itoh quickly headbutts her down, causing her to fall backward into the guts, tacks, and razors! Jinny shrieks in horror as she writhes about, getting cut turned into a human pin cushion! Itoh smashes the pumpkin and reveals... the second Twinstar championship belt!

NEW 1/2 SGW TWINSTAR CHAMPION
MAKI ITOH

[ Tony Schiavone ] The Cutest Idol Wrestler in the World has seized the second half of the Twinstar titles! I wonder how Jinny will react to this news!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I assume it will be a perfectly level-headed response.

Itoh holds the title over her head but is quickly trashcanned to the floor by Hyper Misao, who is outright throwing a tantrum at losing all of her championship gold! She stares out over the carnage in the ring and sees the final pumpkin hanging over the announce table. Giulia has returned to her feet at ringside and Misao runs, nailing her with a SUICIDE DIVE! Both women crash and burn into the front of the announce table! Misao struggles back to her feet and climbs onto all fours in front of Steiner, McGuinness, and Schiavone. Starlight Kid rolls out of the ring and staggers toward Misao, joining her on the table. They both struggle to their feet and begin trading forearms until Starlight boots Misao in the stomach and tries for a piledriver... but Misao stands up, sending Starlight Kid to the floor with a BACK DROP! Misao reaches for the pumpkin and pulls it down but doesn't have time to break it before Jinny grabs her ankles and yanks her off the table! Misao hugs the pumpkin tightly as Jinny tries to rip it from her grasp... but Jinny is neutralized as SHIN ULTRA SHOKO RETURNS to nail her with the KAMEN RIDER KICK OFF THE APRON! Misao goes wild, shattering the final pumpkin and revealing...

NEW SGW WOMEN'S INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION
HYPER MISAO

[ Tony Schiavone ] Oh my goodness, it's the mysterious SGW Women's Intercontinental Championship that was spoken of in hushed whispers but never saw the light of day due to SGW's untimely end after The Rock laid the smack down on the Saudi king!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] And it belongs to Hyper Misao!

[ Scott Steiner ] Fuck! They're givin' this chick ANOTHER belt!?

The fans pop huge! Hyper Misao holds the title over her head and then rolls back into the ring. Maki Itoh rolls back under the bottom rope, holding her half of the Twinstar titles. Misao and Itoh go forehead to forehead, holding up their titles and shrieking at each other in Japanese. Seconds later, Starlight Kid rolls into the ring and places the Goddess of Shock crown on top of her masked head! She joins in the face off! And then Jinny rolls under the bottom rope, staggering into the face off with her own half of the Twinstar titles! Jinny looks and notices that Itoh has the other belt and looks visibly disgusted before booting her in the stomach!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is it! All six pumpkins have been broken!

[ Tony Schiavone ] The first pin or submission will determine the final winner!

It's a four way brawl! Jinny and Itoh slug it out while Starlight Kid and Hyper Misao trade forearms! Itoh headbutts Jinny out of nowhere and tries to throw her out of the ring but Jinny takes over with a knee lift and trash cans her to the floor! On the other side of the ring, Starlight Kid whips Misao into the ropes and follows her in, clotheslining her over the top rope to the floor! Starlight Kid turns around and Jinny is already waiting on her with a boot to the stomach!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Jinny, the most dominant SGW Women's World Champion in history, is using her vast experience to womanhandle Starlight Kid!

Jinny goes to work, pummeling Starlight Kid with forearms before Starlight lashes out and thumbs Jinny in the eye. Jinny cries out in pain and then immediately grabs Starlight Kid's mask and yanks it to the side, blinding her! Angry, Jinny snatches Starlight's wrist and NAILS HER with the TOUCH OF COUTURE! Jinny goes for the cover! ONE! TWO! THR-- NO! MAKI ITOH FLIES OFF THE TOP ROPE! FLYING BIG HEAD TO JINNY-- NO! JINNY MOVES! FLYING BIG HEAD TO STARLIGHT KID!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] It's breaking loose in Los Angeles, gents!

[ Tony Schiavone ] The titles have been dealt out and now it's all about that big win!

Itoh gets up and Jinny is waiting on her! They trade punches until Jinny sees something behind Itoh and whips her around, shoving her forward right into the I AM A HERO CROSSBODY from Hyper Misao! The impact sends Itoh and Misao both rolling to the floor and Jinny covers Starlight Kid! ONE! TWO! THREE!

WINNER
JINNY via PIN in 14:26

Jinny quickly rolls out of the ring and grabs her half of the Twinstar championships. She doesn't bother checking on Itoh or wasting time with a celebration as she walks directly to the back with a tired smirk upon her face.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Once again, Jinny has proven that she's the dominant force in the women's division!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] And I'm certain this will be the last we hear of it!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Not likely, knowing her reputation for being less than humble!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I know, Tony... that--... that was the joke.

Fade.

We're in a graveyard in Los Angeles.

There's a sound of shovels slinging dirt at a rapid pace.

That's probably not the best combination. The camera floats aimlessly before settling on a tombstone with the name "BARBIE BLANK" inscribed on it. Close enough now to hear the heavy breating of our shovelers, the camera pans around to reveal Lance Storm and Val Venis, shirtless and wearing filthy jeans. Venis slams his shovel down into the earth and hits something solid.

[ Val Venis ] Fucking finally.

Storm tosses his shovel out of the grave and retrieves a crowbar.

[ Lance Storm ] Let's get this over with.

As Lance begins to jimmy the lid open, Venis places his hand on Storm's shoulder, stopping him. Venis looks down at the coffin and shakes his head.

[ Val Venis ] Are you prepared for what we might see in there?

Storm shrugs.

[ Lance Storm ] I mean, if Ciampa's suspicions are correct... it should be empty, right? Or full of rocks or a mannequin or something. Val, if I may be serious for a moment, are YOU ready for what we might find in there?

[ Val Venis ] The order came from Chavo so I'm not completely worried about it... but doesn't all of this seem really weird? It feels like some kind of elaborate set-up, like Edge and Christian are just waiting behind one of these tombstones, ready to jump out and surprise us... like this is some kind of sadistic version of that Ashton Kutcher show where they punk unsuspecting victims and there's just nothing they can do about it. They just stand there like idiots, punked for all the world to see!

[ Lance Storm ] That show was hilarious. What was it called again?

[ Val Venis ] Who knows? That was a long time ago. A simpler time.

Venis reaches over the edge of the hole they're in and opens a metal lunchbox, removing a sandwich. He takes a bite of it and then nods at Storm.

[ Val Venis ] Anyway, let's crack this sucker open.

Moments later, Storm has successfully broken the seal and slowly opens the coffin lid. Storm and Venis look mortified by what's inside. Without a word, Venis places his sandwich back in the lunchbox and removes his phone from his back pocket. He waits for the person on the other end to answer.

[ Val Venis ] She's here. Sounds like you're back to square one.

Storm shakes his head and climbs out of the hole, leaving Venis behind.

[ Val Venis ] No, I'm sure, Chavo. She's got worms coming out of her mouth.

Venis hops up onto the edge of the grave, remaining seated as he listens to Chavo talk.

[ Val Venis ] I appreciate the invite, Chavo, but you just asked me to dig up the grave of a woman who was murdered on SGW television... a woman who was in a very high profile relationship with Tom Cruise, who happens to be one of my mortal enemies. If the paprazzi got a shot of this, there's no way they'd believe I was doing this with good intentions--

He's interrupted.

[ Val Venis ] --of course I still get hounded by paparazzi! I was the Time Magazine Man of the Year!

Lance Storm, toweling himself off, looks down at Venis and shakes his head.

[ Val Venis ] Anyway, no. I'm not coming to the Staples Center.

He lets that hang in the air for a moment.

[ Val Venis ] This is the last stupid-fuck thing I'm doing for this company.

Pause.

[ Val Venis ] Have a good life, Chavo.

Venis ends the call and stands up before pitching his shovel into the open grave. Venis and Storm head toward the vehicle as we fade to black.

REFEREE: MIKE CHIODA | TIME LIMIT: 60:00

The fans are already on their feet as Mike Chioda holds up both championship belts, showing everyone what's on the line here. Nikki Cross stands on the apron, rubbing down Alexa's shoulders. Alexa glares across the ring at the two-time SGW Women's World Champion, wearing a bloody pig mask. Von Eerie reaches up and removes the mask, revealing her face painted white with black accents around the eyes. She tosses the mask under the bottom turnbuckle and eyes Alexa, a grim expression upon her face.

[ Tony Schiavone ] This is it, folks! A unification match for the ages! The SGW Women's World Champion meets the Seven Star Pro Women's World Champion! Win or lose, one of these women will be making history tonight!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] It should be noted that regardless of who wins, the Seven Star Pro championship will be absorbed into the SGW championship. This will be the first occasion where an outside championship will be unified with a belt that isn't the SGW World Heavyweight Championship.

[ Scott Steiner ] I think it's stupid that we're givin' airtime to titles that ain't belongin' to SGW! New Era Rasslin', League o' Champions, All-Star Championship Rasslin', Assfuckers Anonymous Rasslin'!? WHO GIVES A SHIT! Errybody already KNOWS that SGW is the best company in the fuckin' world. In life AND in death! SGW KILLS? You're god damn right it does, that's why the SGW World Championship, a fucker I held FOUR TIMES, is gonna have a body count EIGHT deep after tonight!

[ Tony Schiavone ] And there's the bell!

Bliss and Von Eerie meet in the center of the ring. Von Eerie and Bliss refuse to shake hands so Chioda steps back and Von Eerie immediately tackles Bliss to the mat! They roll around, trading punches and forearms until they roll right out of the ring! Reno SCUM are ringside, watching as both women land on their feet and continue trading blows before Alexa goes to the eyes! Alexa quickly whips Von Eerie into the rail and follows her in... only for Von Eerie to backdrop her over the rail and into the front row! Alexa aggressively pawed at by the fans as they help her get back upright just in time for Von Eerie to forearm her in the jaw and SUPLEX HER back into the ringside area!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I don't know what I expected, given the rough 'n tumble reputation of our champion, but this match has turned into an all-out brawl, gentlemen!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Alexa Bliss is definitely getting the business!

Von Eerie pulls Alexa back up to her feet and throws her hard into the steps. She follows her in with double knees but Alexa rolls out of the way and Von Eerie gets it all! Von Eerie writhes around on the floor until Alexa recovers, grabbing two handfuls of Von Eerie's hair and pulling her to her knees... before delivering a SHORT DDT STRAIGHT TO THE FLOOR! Alexa scrambles to get Von Eerie up and throw her under the bottom rope! Von Eerie rolls to the center of the ring and Alexa climbs onto the apron before ascending the turnbuckles. She flies... TWISTED BLISS-- NO! VON EERIE MOVES!

[ Tony Schiavone ] There's no water in the swimming pool!

[ Scott Steiner ] This shit would be a whole lot more tolerable if there WAS a swimmin' pool, Schiavone, and maybe if both these broads was in bikinis and thongs and Motorhead was on the stage doin' a live rendition of MY personal favorite song, the Thong Song!

[ Tony Schiavone ] That's very disrespectful to women's wrestling!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Also, Lemmy is dead, Scott.

[ Scott Steiner ] FUCK YOU, PIERCE BROSNAN! LEMMY WILL LIVE FOREVER!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] But he didn't, so maybe conjure up another band in ya' bikini fantasy that will literally never happen because it's not 2002, which is conveniently the last time you were relevant.

[ Scott Steiner ] I ain't... I ain't even gonna dignify that shit with a response!

Von Eerie quickly rolls back to her feet, favoring her neck, and pulls Bliss back up to her feet. She boots her in the stomach and pulls her in... GRAVEYARD SMASH! She rolls Bliss over and covers! ONE! TWO! THR-- NO! Nikki Cross pulls Von Eerie out of the ring! Von Eerie immediately blasts Cross with a forearm that knocks her on her ass! The fans pop huge! Von Eerie goes to work, grabbing Cross by the hair and yanking her up to her feet. She trash cans her over the rail and into the front row... however, as soon as Von Eerie turns around, she catches Alexa Bliss coming off the top rope with TWISTED BLISS!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OH MY GOODNESS! HIGH RISK MANEUVER!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I don't think either woman came away from that impact unscathed, Tony! Christina Von Eerie has maintained an advantage throughout but I fear our champion may have gotten the worst of it!

Alexa slowly gets back to her feet and pulls Von Eerie up. Alexa struggles to shove Von Eerie under the bottom rope and finally gets her on the apron. She shoves her in and follows her inside, going for a cover! ONE! TWO! THR-- VON EERIE KICKS OUT! Von Eerie looks visibly out of it. Alexa pulls her back up to her feet and plants her with a DDT in the center of the ring. She goes to the corner and climbs to the top rope. She goes for another TWISTED BLISS but Von Eerie comes alive, leaping onto the middle rope with nothing but pure adrenaline fueling her! She snatches Bliss, pulls her in, and PLANTS HER WITH A TOP ROPE GRAVEYARD SMASH! The fans lose their minds as Von Eerie covers Alexa! ONE! TWO! THRE-- NO! NIKKI CROSS PULLED MIKE CHIODA OUT OF THE RING!

[ Tony Schiavone ] WHAT A JEZEBEL THAT NIKKI CROSS IS!

The fans boo loudly as Cross shouts at Chioda, but then they pop HUGE as he EJECTS HER FROM RINGSIDE! Refusing to leave, Nikki Cross is hoisted up by both members of Reno SCUM and CARRIED OUT!

[ Scott Steiner ] What do ya' know, those two lunk heads are useful for somethin' after all!

Von Eerie covers Bliss again and Chioda slides in the ring. ONE! TWO! THR-- NO! Bliss gets her foot on the bottom rope! Von Eerie gets up, walking a semi-circle around the ring, pondering what to do next. Alexa slowly gets up to her knees, and clearly her bell is rung. Suddenly, with no warning, a woman enters through the crowd in all-black, including a mask! The woman yanks the Seven Star Pro Championship away from Kayla Braxton and slides it into the ring right in front of Mike Chioda! Chioda looks pissed and grabs the belt, tossing it on the apron on the opposite side of the ring, meanwhile, the masked woman grabs the SGW Women's World Championship and slides it straight to Alexa Bliss before climbing onto the apron!

[ Scott Steiner ] WHO IS THIS BITCH, COVERIN' HER BODY SO I CAN'T SEE IT!?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Forget the body, Scott. Who is this masked fiend?!

Von Eerie charges up to the woman and grabs her, dragging her through the ropes and into the ring! They struggle against one another until Von Eerie rips off the mask... revealing JINNY! The fans boo loudly as Jinny sneers and goes for the ACID RAINMAKER but Von Eerie ducks it and Chioda gets between them! As Chioda forces Jinny out of the ring, Alexa rises with the SGW Women's World Championship and SWINGS IT AT VON EERIE'S HEAD! Von Eerie ducks it and boots Alexa in the stomach, causing her to drop the title! Von Eerie goes for the Graveyard Smash but Alexa frees her arm and spins out of it, hooking Von Eerie and planting her with a DDT ON THE TITLE! She covers as Chioda turns around! ONE! TWO! THREE!

WINNER & UNIFIED CHAMPION
ALEXA BLISS via PIN in 13:08

Alexa is presented with both championship belts and quickly rolls out of the ring, holding them both over her head. Jinny is standing on the ramp, smiling up at the ring, knowing she's screwed over Von Eerie one more time. Alexa walks right past her and stops on the stage, looking over her shoulder with a diabolical grin before stepping through the curtain.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What a travesty this is!

[ Tony Schiavone ] Christina Von Eerie has been robbed!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] But history has been made as the SGW Women's World Championship is unified with the Seven Star Pro Women's World Championship. Alexa Bliss has done it, once and for all!

We fade out on a shot of Christina Von Eerie being helped to her feet by Chioda.

Lulu Pencil’s eyes snap open, then close tightly shut. Her thoughts betray any wisps of confidence she may have had at some point in the evening, as winding and unfortunate as it has been for many, including herself.

“No! No more of this! I just cannot take any more of this Haunted Castle Deathmatch!”

Her fear is enormous.

Almost as large as the villain inflicting it upon her.

But, for a moment, she wonders…

…was this really…

…real?

Her eyes blink twice, then open.

She’s home.

The nightmare she thought she was enduring was but…well, just a nightmare.

She nuzzles into her bed, carefully crafted of mangled car parts and hay, and breathes out softly. From behind her, she hears another person moving.

“Could this be my love,” she wonders. “No longer a Christmas Cake,” she thinks, satisfied. Eventually, from behind her a voice speaks.

[ Jinder Mahal ] AWAKEN, MY WHORE!

Her eyes snap open again, just in time to see an entire bale of hay being lifted and smashed down onto her lithe frame. Mahal cackles, throwing his huge arms into the sky.

[ Jinder Mahal ] VEER! SHANKY! BRING A FRESH ROLL OF HEFTY BAGS — THE TIME FOR CONSUMMATION IS NOW!

Mahal’s head arcs left and right, then again, left and right, but there are no employees running his bizarre contraceptive choice to him. Finally, he turns slightly more left and notices Shanky, impaled by the drive shaft of the old truck, and is reminded of Veer’s half-eaten carcass back at the ashen cornfield.

[ Jinder Mahal ] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK!

Mahal lifts Lulu with a single hand and roidedly tosses her to his shoulder, storming across the concourse and into the Staples Center back entrance!

[ Scott Steiner ] Aww, shit, is this bullshit still going on?

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Appears so, Scott.

Ignoring the many shouts and reprimanding instruction from officials backstage, Mahal continues through to what appears to be an office section of the venue and hurls Lulu’s skinny frame through a cubicle and across a desk! She rolls haphazardly into a heap amidst the wage slaves’ holdings, still dazed from the car crash earlier in the evening.

Mahal, however, is a flesh-covered freight engine bent on destruction; he finds a sack full of coins on a desk and grabs Lulu by the chin, forcing her mouth open and dumping the contents inside! She struggles, unable to totally fight against his strength, but eventually has upwards of 25 coins in her tiny mouth! Satisfied, Jinder drops the sack and sees an executive chair turned towards them.

[ Jinder Mahal ] AH! A SEAT FOR SO-CALLED EXECUTIVES! IT IS BENEATH ME, BUT SHALL SUFFICE AS I WATCH THIS MISERABLE RAG OF A WOMAN SUFFOCATE!

Mahal spins the chair around — AND ORANGE CASSIDY IS SITTING IN IT!

HOW IN THE HELL CAN HE JUST TELEPORT?!

The Staples Center absolutely erupts as Orange leaps up and hurls a handful of hand sanitizer into his eyes! Working quick, OC also smashes Mahal in the head with a heavy Yeti cup, turning him round — and right into the waiting embrace of Lulu Pencil — who kisses him, transferring a ton of the coins to his mouth! He recoils, discombobulated — INTO ANOTHER ORANGE PUNCH! OC leaps off a desk and clatters him! HE COVERS —

BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS RICK KNOX?!

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Oranjuu! Official Knox is nowhere to be found! >

Orange looks around lazily and sees no referee. He huffs and stands up, then walks towards the elevator at the end of the office area, bored.

[ Jinder Mahal ] Not so fast, you denim-clad vagrant!

Mahal grabs him by the ankle as Lulu screams, running off into the office space.

Orange fights, but Mahal’s grip is, like his body, immensely strong, and he is able to down OC after a moment, reaching into a turned-over desk and producing a metal object of some kind.

[ Jinder Mahal ] These broken spectacles seem to fuel your energy! THEN WEAR THEM FOREVER, YOU PEASANT!

Mahal lunges on top of his opponent — AND STAPLE-GUNS THE SHATTERED AVIATORS TO HIS NOSE THRICE! The Staples Center groan at the violence before them as an overhead light in the office area goes out. Mahal rises and produces a telephone from the wreckage and begins whipping Cassidy with the receiver, the curly cord straightening with the harsh motions. Another overhead light in the distance goes out, but Mahal throws the phone over his right shoulder, unconcerned.

[ Jinder Mahal ] ALL THE LIGHTS MAY FALL BECAUSE THIS SHALL BE A DARK DAY! THE DEATH OF THESE MORONIC, UN-MUSCLED FOOLS! I SHALL PLOW MY VASCULARITY INTO THEM WITH RECKLESS ABANDON — THRUST UPON THRUST — AND FINISH THEM NOW!

Another few lights from elsewhere in the complex flicker and fall, but Mahal turns back to Cassidy — who is gone! He begins glancing around, knowing his fallen opponent was JUST there, but cannot find him anywhere.

[ Off-screen ] < Pardon me, Jinder-san! >

Mahal turns and notices Lulu Pencil swinging a mass of fluorescent light tubes directly into his face! They connect in a Bondsian effort from the minuscule Lulu, cracking into thousands of pieces across Jinder’s face and upper chest, sending him instantly to the floor in a heap!

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Oranjuu! Oranjuu! Where have you gone?! >

There’s a rustle as a desk flips over and again, onto Jinder’s body! From behind it — Orange Cassidy! He slowly pulls the Aviators off his face, breaking the staple’s hold and tosses them at the desk covering Jinder.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Oranjuu! Are you alright? >

Orange does not reply, only seeking another desk to place atop the first — and does! Lulu takes notice of the plan and follows suit, helping OC to place a third — and fourth! — desk atop the Maniacal Maharaja, before taking refuge beside the elevator block.

The camera’s feed is silent for a moment as Orange and Lulu rest, backs toward the elevator. Orange feebly presses the ‘up’ button, the digital read above them showing “15…14”.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Oh, I wish this elevator would hurry! We must escape this horrible monster’s grasp before he follows through on the many not-so-veiled threats of sexual violence against us. >

She peers up. The elevator reads “6.”

From across the room, a roar emerges from under the rubble and Jinder Mahal stands, somehow throwing all the desks off of him like a terrifying movie villain! Lulu screams as Orange stands up, readying himself for another brawl.

[ Jinder Mahal ] YOUR TIME TO DIE IS CONVENIENTLY NOW, ORANGE CASSIDY!

Jinder charges, tackling Orange into the opening doors of the elevator! The entire thing heaves and shakes upon impact, but Orange and Mahal begin throwing blows back and forth unconcerned! Lulu leaps into the elevator as the doors close and begins mashing buttons on the control panel.

Our camera shifts to CCTV inside the elevator, watching silently as Lulu cowers in the corner, hunched over in fear as Orange and Mahal strangle one another all the way to the top floor of the venue. As the action keeps pouring out of the elevator, we shift to see a cameraman rushing up the staircase, our vision bouncing with each step as he throws the door to the roof open — and nearly takes a flying cinder block to the face!

[ Jinder Mahal ] AS I SAID — DIE!

Jinder hurls another cinder block, but Cassidy ducks it! Mahal keeps spinning and stops before Orange — who delivers a soft kick to his shin! The Staples Center pop huge as the night sky illuminates the gentle offensive on the roof.

Mahal looks insulted at the ‘offense,’ but Cassidy lightly taps him with another. Inspired by his courage, Lulu runs to the two men and watches, slack-jawed, as Cassidy continues to throw light kick after light kick at the massive Maharaja. Eventually, Jinder screams, but is unable to stop the barrage of loose strikes!

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Yes! Together, maybe — we have the strength to stop him!? >

Lulu sides up to Orange and they stand still, throwing a very light kick together at his shins! The Staples Center pops as Jinder’s head drops backwards and his mouth pops open, frozen still. Orange is, too, frozen in indifferent observance. Lulu glances over.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Is he…dead? >

Jinder’s head flies forward, an insane grin plastered across his face.

[ Jinder Mahal ] NOT BY A LONG SHOT, SWEET WHORE!

Jinder steps forward and boots Cassidy in the chest, lifting him up and hurling him into an air conditioning unit with the Khallas in an absolutely disgusting display of strength.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < No! Oranjuu! >

She reaches for her trusty yellow pencil, but it is nowhere to be found. Mahal smirks, then reaches into the bottom of Orange’s left pants leg and produces the weapon she sought. Lulu’s eyes go wide and she drops to her ass in fear, backing away from Jinder slowly.

[ Jinder Mahal ] I TOLD you, BITCH — YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR SHOT!

He stalks forward, the pencil gripped tightly in his hand. His eyes bulge, like every part of him, as Jinder Mahal closes in on his prey.

[ Jinder Mahal ] I ALWAYS get what I want…and now, you Japanese harlot…I want YOU DEAD.

Mahal kneels, restraining Lulu’s flailing limbs, and points the business end of the pencil at her throat.

[ Jinder Mahal ] Nobody can help you now, Lulu Pencil.

Suddenly, a scream is heard from above, way, way up in the sky. Mahal snaps his head around, looking for it, but cannot find anything. He turns back, the sharpened pencil pointed at Lulu’s jugular.

[ Jinder Mahal ] TOO BAD, SO SAD, YOU SHRIMPY SEX BITCH! YOUR LACK OF WEALTH, YOUR LACK OF MUSCLE — YOU SHOULD BE SO HORRIBLY UNATTRACTIVE TO ME AND YET, EVEN NOW, MOMENTS BEFORE DEATH, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU PLEASURE…MY GIRTH!

He cackles, but again, there’s a war-cry from above! Mahal rolls his eyes, huffing, and glaring around again — but this time his eyes go wide as he sees a man parachuting into vision, dropkicking Mahal to the concrete floor of the arena! Pencil’s shocked expression could say it all, but she fills in the gaps anyway.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < REFEREE KNOX! >

Rick Knox extends his hand and pulls Lulu to her feet. She gulps preposterously, wiping sweat from her brow as she notices the knocked-down Maharaja.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Wow, Mr. Knox! How did you get here via parachute just in the nick of time?! >

[ Rick Knox ] Sorry, Lulu — I’m afraid that would take a whole other unappreciated bonus show to explain!

Lulu nods, understanding, and looks over at Mahal, rising up from the ground.

[ Jinder Mahal ] FUCKING SKINNY BASTARD! YOU ARE A SHIT OFFICIAL! ASSIGNED TO SHIT FOR IT IS FROM WHENCE YOU COME!

Knox frowns.

[ Jinder Mahal ] I SHALL END YOU THREE, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSES FOR PROFESSIONALS, HERE AND NOW!

Jinder lifts his hands, readying himself to charge, but is stopped suddenly as Orange Cassidy swings a piece of the broken air conditioning unit up and into his crotch!

[ Orange Cassidy ] Hey Jinder…cool off, man…

Mahal turns, ever so slowly, spit dribbling from his wicked mouth, and Cassidy swings the jagged metal piece again, connecting with his face and spinning him awkwardly through the air, down to a heap on the concrete as the Staples Center explode with cheers. Orange falls to a knee as the cheers quell. It’s all very silent for a moment.

[ Rick Knox ] Lulu…Orange…

Lulu whimpers, noticing her many cuts and bruises, then sees the same on both Orange and Knox.

Even Mahal’s body is ravaged, and not just by steroids and bacne, but by the devastating contest they’ve engaged in.

[ Rick Knox ] This Haunted Castle Deathmatch thing is a fuckin’ disaster…and no part of it should have ever happened. I’m gonna throw this one out.

Knox goes to gesture to the east again, for a ‘no contest’ finish, but Orange grabs him by the wrist, gingerly shaking his head ‘no.’ Knox snarls slightly and pulls his hand back.

[ Rick Knox ] NO, ORANGE! It’s time it ended! This was just another shit sandwich SGW served me, even in death! ‘RICK KNOX REFS THE GARBAGE MATCHES! RICK KNOX TAKES THE SHIT SANDWICH AND DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR AND STILL EATS IT!’ Fuck them! I’m done with SGW and I’m done with this Haunted Castle Deathmatch!

Orange again shakes his head ‘no,’ then points down at Jinder, then over to Lulu. Knox shakes his own head ‘no,’ but stifles a whimper or cry of his own. Eventually, he speaks.

[ Rick Knox ] This was the worst fucking thing this company has ever done and we’re the ones suffering…so fuck SGW. Fuck Jinder Mahal. And fuck the Haunted Castl—

Lulu reaches over and touches Knox’ arm, stopping him. Orange and Knox look up, into her face, dirty and beaten, on the verge of crying.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < I think I just realized, you all! Maybe… >

She pauses, a tear welling up on the corner of her eye.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < …just maybe… >

Rick Knox, out of breath and ragged, and Orange Cassidy, ruffled beyond belief for a man of his permanent indifference, gaze concerned towards the small woman between them. Her eyes flutter shut, the tear finally streaking down her dirt-covered face, leaving a clean path of hope revealed encouragingly beneath the grime of the evening.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < …the Haunted Castle Deathmatch was the friends we made along the way. >

She opens her eyes as the camera zooms out. Cassidy and Knox are both contemplative, nodding their heads before looking towards Lulu.

[ Rick Knox ] …you’re right, Lulu.

The pair look to Orange Cassidy, who languidly lifts the most paltry thumb concurrently.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < …let’s finish this wretched contest the way we began it — together! >

The three weary warriors look toward Mahal’s elephantine form, out cold on the cement of the Staples Center. Pencil kneels near Jinder’s colossal pectoral region, Knox right below her closer to his abdomen, and Orange stands idly at his head. With another nod, the trio cover Jinder — Knox leaning over him, Lulu pressing down with all her might across his chest, and Orange with his stained-white sneaker pressing Mahal’s face down as Rick Knox slaps the concrete once — twice — and thrice.

WINNER
FRIENDSHIP via PIN in 03:16:29

Knox smiles as the three rise, saddling between Cassidy and Pencil and grabbing them by their wrists. Lulu stops him, then takes him by the hand, together.

They share a smile.

Orange follows suit, holding Knox’ hand.

They lift, victoriously, together, none more or less the winner than the others.

Except for Jinder Mahal, who lost cleanly and fairly.

Well, as cleanly and fairly as it can be to be triple-pinned, including by the referee.

Regardless, he is the loser.

[ Rick Knox ] I have something to show you both. C’mon.

Knox steps towards the west, walking towards the edge of the Staples Center. OC and Lulu join him, a pace or two behind. Eventually, the trio stand looking out over the Hollywood Hills, the camera positioned behind them, silhouetted before the many bright lights of Tinseltown.

A few silent moments pass as they look across the skyline, and up, in the distance of the hills, Jinder Mahal’s Red Castle of Fear and Vascularity.

[ Rick Knox ] Just think…that’s where all this mayhem started…

Knox turns, looking at his new friends. He smiles.

[ Rick Knox ] …thank you both. Until next time…

Orange looks up and nods at him kindly. Lulu wraps him up in a sweet, almost desperate hug.

[ Lulu Pencil ] <Thank you, Official Knox! You have saved us more than you will ever know! >

Knox returns the hug and then walks away slowly. Inside he knows he will likely never win a match again…

…but it doesn’t matter. On THIS night, he was a winner.

Rick Knox takes the stairs, giving a final look at the other two winners of the contest at the edge of the roof of the Staples Center.

Back at the building’s edge, Orange gets Lulu’s attention, nodding nonchalantly at a wound on her left arm. Lulu looks down, noticing the gash, then back up at OC’s vacant expression, tracing from her arm to her eyes.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Oranjuu, it seems as though you are asking who did this to me? >

Cassidy dips his chin slightly.

[ Orange Cassidy ] …yep.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < Right! I did, I think… but I’m okay! I’m…fine… >

In the distance, there’s a gargantuan explosion — it’s the Red Castle of Fear and Vascularity!

Orange and Lulu turn to face it — the Castle’s west wing explodes into nothingness! Then, the east wing collapses upon itself, and the garage wing implodes into a massive cloud of dust, as the explosions continue to detonate in the Castle. Lulu looks to Orange, and gently reaches to take his hand. Somewhere, somehow, “Where is My Mind” begins playing.

[ Lulu Pencil ] < I am sorry, Oranjuu…you met me at a very strange time in my life. >

Orange looks at her, then reaches into his pocket and produces two identical pairs of RayBan Aviators. He dons one, and hands the other to Lulu, who smiles.

The Pixies are playing and the entire scene is eerily tranquil and sweet. With the camera behind them, Lulu Pencil and Orange Cassidy are illuminated silhouettes on the skyline of Los Angeles, the Mahal Red Castle of Fear and Vascularity exploding away into the night, imploding, collapsing, over and over.

The feed almost slows down, showing a frame at a time out of sync — suddenly, there’s a single frame of a penis, spliced in from pornography — but then, it is gone, before you can even register that you noticed it. Lulu and Orange, holding hands, watch as the Red Castle of Fear and Vascularity explodes.

And we fade to black.

REFEREE: AUBREY EDWARDS | TIME LIMIT: 60:00

There's a big match feel as Bryan Danielson and Eddie Kingston stand across the ring from one another in their respective corners. Aubrey Edwards holds up both the SGW Triple Crown World Heavyweight Championship and the Seven Star Pro World Heavyweight Championship. The fans respectfully applaud, and she turns to hand the titles over to Kayla Braxton.

[ Tony Schiavone ] What a match this is going to be, folks.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] To clarify, win or lose, the Seven Star Pro World Heavyweight Championship will be unified with the SGW World Heavyweight Championship, which is a part of the Triple Crown.

[ Scott Steiner ] Bryan Danielson, Eddie Kingston, what has the fuckin' world come to when these are the guys fightin' for the biggest and baddest world title in the whole fuckin' business?! Bryan Danielson, who ain't never seen the inside of a gym... and Eddie Kingston, who looks like he's gonna go into labor at any fuckin' second! I remember world champions used to look like world champions!

[ Tony Schiavone ] These two are the best of the best, and this might be--

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Oh, here we go.

[ Tony Schiavone ] The greatest world championship match in the history of Solid Gold Wrestling!

Aubrey calls for the bell and the competitors begin circling one another. They lock-up in the center of the ring and fight for position, leading to Danielson taking Kingston over with a headlock. Kingston quickly backs into the ropes and shoots Danielson off. Danielson comes back and Kingston goes for a clothesline but Danielson baseball slides between his legs, taps his head to show everyone how smart he is, and catches Kingston on the turnaround with a EUROPEAN UPPERCUT! Kingston no-sells the shot and BLISTERS Danielson's chest with an overhand chop that sounds like a gunshot! Danielson doubles over with a grin on his face... and then comes out of nowhere with a STEP-UP ENZIGURI! Kingston turns around and then face plants before rolling under the bottom rope the floor!

[ Tony Schiavone ] What a start!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I don't think anyone assumed this match would be anything but hard hitting and that's exactly what we're getting here tonight, gentlemen!

[ Scott Steiner ] I'll give 'em credit where it's due, they're hittin' pretty hard, but I can tell ya'll that if either one of these genetic rejects hit me like that, I'd hammer punch their clavicle and rock'em to sleep in my patented STEINER RECLINER!

Kingston takes a lap around the ring but has no idea what hit him with Danielson falls from the top rope with a FLIPPING SENTON! Danielson KIPS UP and pumps his fists before pulling Kingston back to his feet and IRISH WHIPPING INTO THE RING STEPS! Kingston lands in a seated position and looks up at Danielson charges in and goes for a running knee... but Kingston moves and Danielson eats the steps! Danielson lies on the mat, groaning in pain, pounding on his knee to make sure it's all good. Kingston descends on him and pulls him back up before picking him up and dropping him chest first on the rail. Aubrey Edwards is yelling at them to get back in the ring, but isn't counting them out.

[ Nigel McGuinness ] It looks like Aubrey is offering a bit of lenience in the way of the count. She knows how much a winner means to these competitors and the fans alike!

Kingston dumps Danielson over in the front row and follows him in. Kingston tries to pick Danielson up off the floor but Danielson grabs a fan's popcorn and throws it in Kingston's face. Kingston rubs at his eyes and Danielson nails him with a big forearm that knocks him on his ass. Danielson looms over Kingston, smiling, before holding onto the rail and kicking away at Kingston with reckless abandon. Aubrey continues shouting at them to get in the ring but Danielson doesn't listen. Aubrey finally begins counting and Danielson hoists Kingston up and dumps him back into the ringside area. Kingston crawls on all fours to the apron and uses it to get back to his feet. Danielson them climbs onto the rail and SPRINGBOARDS OFF ONTO KINGSTON... BUT KINGSTON CATCHES HIM AND POWERBOMBS HIM ONTO THE FLOOR!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OH MY GOODNESS!

[ Scott Steiner ] That flippy shit always bites you in the ass in the end!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Eddie Kingston just turned the tide of this match!

Kingston wastes no time in grabbing Danielson by the hair and throwing him under the bottom rope. He follows him inside and begins sizing him up! Danielson slowly gets up to all fours and Kingston goes for the BACKFIST TO THE FUTURE-- NO! Danielson catches Kingston's arm and knees him in the back, forcing him down onto the mat! The fans lose their shit as Danielson locks in CATTLE MUTILATION! Kingston cries out in pain and scrambles as quickly as he can, narrowly reaching the bottom rope with his boot! Aubrey yells at Danielson to break the hold but he won't! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FI-- Danielson releases the hold and stands up, getting in Aubrey's face and shouting "I HAVE TIL FIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Bryan Danielson is relentless! That's why he's one of the best in the whole entire world!

[ Tony Schiavone ] He needs to stay on Eddie Kingston if he hopes to win this match!

Kingston uses the ropes to pull himself up and Danielson boots him in the back. Danielson continues putting the boots to him until he scrambles backward into a seated position against the bottom turnbuckle. Danielson keeps stomping away and then looks down into Kingston's eyes... and SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE! Kingston's eyes go wide and Danielson SLAPS HIM AGAIN! Kingston points at himself and yells "DO IT AGAIN, MUTHA' FUCKA'!" and Danielson goes for it, but Kingston snatches Danielson's tights and yanks him down face first into the middle turnbuckle! Danielson falls into a seated position as Kingston rises and hits the ropes... CRUSHING DANIELSON WITH A CANNONBALL SPLASH IN THE CORNER! Giving Danielson no time to recover, he pulls him out of the corner by his wrist and plants him with a SAITO SUPLEX! Danielson takes all of it on his neck but rolls straight back to his feet at the same time as Kingston-- THEN NAILS HIM WITH A SHOTGUN DROPKICK! Both men are down!

[ Tony Schiavone ] You can tell how badly both men want this!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] This is the most important match in either of their careers! Bryan Danielson had SGW pulled out from under him on the night that he became the Triple Crown champion. Sure, he's had moments here and there over the past year to defend the title but he's never had a challenger quite like Eddie Kingston! This is Bryan Danielson's opportunity to prove that he deserves to call himself the SGW Triple Crown Champion!

Kingston uses the ropes to pull himself back up... and Danielson kips up effortlessly behind him. Kingston stands and turns around. Danielson charges at him and Kingston drops and pulls the top rope down! Danielson tumbles over onto the apron and Kingston tries to suplex him back into the ring... but as he lifts Danielson up, Danielson knees him in the head, plants his feet, and SUPLEXES KINGSTON TO THE FLOOR! Both men crash and burn! Danielson snarls and stands up, pumping his fists! He pulls Kingston back to his feet, but Kingston falls to his knees. Danielson holds up his fist and smiles, then delivers a devastating kick to Kingston's chest! Danielson delivers three more solid kicks and then goes for a BUZZSAW KICK but Kingston catches his boot and shakes his head! "UH-UH! NOT LIKE THAT, POTNA'!" Kingston stands up, holding Danielson's foot, and KICKS HIS BALLS UP INTO HIS THROAT!

[ Tony Schiavone ] OH MYYYY GOODNESS!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] Aubrey's letting it go!

[ Scott Steiner ] Oh shit! I'm startin' t' like this Kingston guy! He's fat as fuck and ain't never touched a weight in his life, but he's givin' that vegan pussy the business! I like it!

Danielson turns, holding his balls, and as he slowly turns around, Kingston turns him inside out with a LARIAT! Kingston wastes no time in hoisting Danielson up and throwing him under the bottom rope! He follows him in and sizes him up... Danielson slowly rises, visibly in pain... BACKFIST TO THE FUTURE! Kingston covers! ONE! TWO! THR-- DANIELSON KICKS OUT! Huffing and puffing, Danielson holds up his fists and fights back to his feet! Kingston looks furious! Kingston goes for another BACKFIST but Danielson ducks it and nails Kingston with a ROUNDHOUSE KICK to the head! The impact sends Kingston around and Danielson grabs him around the waist... GERMAN SUPLEX! He hangs on! ROLLING GERMANS! A SECOND! THIRD! FOURTH! FIFTH! He can't get him up for the sixth and Kingston elbows out and hooks Danielson, PLANTING HIM WITH A SAITO SUPLEX! AND ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! AND ANOTHER! FIVE ROLLING SAITOS! Kingston covers but doesn't hook the leg! ONE! TWO! THRE-- DANIELSON KICKS OUT AND FIGHTS BACK TO HIS FEET! Kingston can't believe it!

[ Tony Schiavone ] BRYAN DANIELSON WON'T STAY DOWN!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] It's not in his DNA, Tony!

[ Scott Steiner ] At the same time, he's gonna have t' fuckin' kill Eddie Kingston to keep him down, too! Holy shit, what a fight!

Danielson uses the ropes to maintain his balance and Kingston charges at him, clotheslining him over the top rope to the floor! As the cameras catch Danielson's landing, we see him crawl under the ring until only his legs are visible! Kingston runs over to the ropes as Danielson emerges and grabs a handful of Danielson's hair... ONLY FOR DANIELSON TO NAIL HIM WITH A STEEL CHAIR! Aubrey Edwards flips out and immediately calls for the bell as Kingston falls down, bleeding profusely from a cut over his eyebrow!

WINNER
EDDIE KINGSTON via DQ in 21:33
[ BOTH CHAMPIONS RETAIN ]

[ Tony Schiavone ] What a cheap shot!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What an unfortunate ending to what was shaping up to be a CLASSIC battle in the annals of SGW history! Truly disappointing behavior by Bryan Danielson!

[ Scott Steiner ] I can't say I'm surprised! He's always been a sore ass loser!

Bryan Danielson grabs his SGW Triple Crown championship belt and begins walking toward the back with a big smile on his face. The fans rain garbage down on him, booing so loudly that the building threatens to come down around them. However, as Danielson reaches the stage, we hear a voice on the microphone.

[ Eddie Kingston ] Not so fast, potna'.

The camera pans around to reveal Kingston on one knee in the middle of the ring, his face covered in blood. Aubrey Edwards stands to the side, looking concerned. Kingston has a microphone in his hand. He forces himself up to his feet and raises it once more.

[ Eddie Kingston ] I don't know about you, Bry... but I know I didn't come this far, 'n these people didn't come this far neither.... to see this match go down like that.

Danielson holds up the title, pointing at himself and shouting "I'M THE CHAMPION! I DON'T OWE THESE PEOPLE SHIT!" Kingston wipes the blood out of his eyes and shakes his head.

[ Eddie Kingston ] I'm tellin' you right now, Aubrey Edwards, you rule this match a disqualification... and I promise you, you ain't gonna have to worry about this murdera' or whatever that's runnin' around here tonight. Nah, you won't, because I'ma kill you right here and right now. I came here t' prove I'm da' best o' da' best and that's exactly what I'm gonna do!

He turns and points up the ramp at Danielson.

[ Eddie Kingston ] GET YOUR ASS BACK DOWN HERE AND FIGHT ME, YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY! YOU AIN'T NO CHAMPION! YOU HEAR THAT!? YOU AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHAMPION 'TIL YOU BEAT EDDIE KINGSTON, POTNA'! BRING YOUR BITCH ASS BACK DOWN HERE AND GET WHAT CHU GOT COMIN', SON!

Aubrey Edwards leans through the ropes and talks to Kayla Braxton. Braxton nods and raises her microphone.

[ Kayla Braxton ] Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed by senior official Aubrey Edwards, that this match... HAS BEEN RESTARTED!

The fans pop huge! Danielson looks furious and waves off the match, walking through the curtain! He isn't coming back! Aubrey says something else to Kayla Braxton and she nods, raising her microphone one more time.

[ Kayla Braxton ] Senior official Aubrey Edwards has declared that if Bryan Danielson does not return to the ring by the count of ten, Eddie Kingston will become... the NEWWWWWWWWWWWW SOLID GOLD WRESTLING TRIPLE CROWN WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

The fans begin chanting along with Aubrey Edwards.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

[ Tony Schiavone ] I don't think he's coming back!

FIVE!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] I've never known Bryan Danielson to back away from a fight--

SIX!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] --but he's surprised me before.

SEVEN!

EIGHT!

Danielson explodes out from the back with the title!

[ Tony Schiavone ] There he is!

[ Scott Steiner ] But does his little ass legs have time--

NINE!

[ Scott Steiner ] --to get to the fuckin' ring!?

TEN-- NO!

Danielson slides under the bottom rope with the title in hand and meets Kingston in the center of the ring! The title falls to the side as they begin wildly trading punches! Danielson suddenly deflects one of Kingston's punches and headbutts him in the nose! Kingston no-sells it and headbutts Danielson! They lock up and begin repeatedly headbutting each other as the fans go wild! Kingston abruptly takes over with a knee lift and shoves Danielson backward into the ropes. He shoots him off and goes for a clothesline but Danielson catches the arm and executes a picture perfect CRUCIFIX BOMB! Kingston lands ALL on his head and neck! Danielson maintains the crucifix and rolls Kingston into position for... UNPROTECTED ELBOWS TO THE SKULL! Kingston is unable to get free and Aubrey Edwards calls for the bell as Kingston goes limp!

WINNER & UNIFIED CHAMPION
BRYAN DANIELSON via MATCH STOPPAGE in 26:19

The fans blow the roof off as Danielson releases the hold and stands up, arms up in the air! Edwards presents him with both championship belts and he holds them over his head before falling to his knees and pressing each center plate to the sides of his face.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Bryan Danielson has done it! The Seven Star Pro World Heavyweight Championship has been absorbed into the lineage of the SGW World Heavyweight Championship, and so it becomes part of history!

[ Scott Steiner ] That was a damn fight! Reminds me of my hard-ass hittin' battles with Gangrel and the Big Nasty!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] What a battle this was, gentlemen! What a way to send off Solid Gold Wrestling in style! Who knows who is truly behind this event, and while it will always be shrouded in darkness due to grisly murders which took place, once again it's the in-ring product which stands tall in Solid Gold Wrestling!

Danielson stands up, holding up both championship belts. Eddie Kingston gets up to his knees and watches Danielson celebrate, a genuine look of disappointment on his face. Danielson wanders over and offers his hand which Kingston reluctantly accepts before rolling out of the ring and walking up the ramp with his hands on his hips. Danielson goes back to celebrating with "The Final Countdown" playing as we fade to black.

The show is over.

The killer is still at large.

Ruby Soho looks over her shoulder as she walks through the backstage area, heading for the exit. The SGW Limitless Championship peeks out of the bag slung over her shoulder. Everything is quiet... a little too quiet. She rounds the corner and sees Maki Itoh sitting on an equipment box with her half of the SGW World Twinstar Championship resting across her lap. She's listening to a Hello Kitty MP3 player, gently nodding her head to the beat. Ruby looks annoyed, getting The Most Cutest Idol Wrestler in the World's attention with a wave of her hand. Itoh removes one of her earbuds, looking repulsed by Ruby's presence.

[ Ruby Soho ] Hey, there's still a killer on the loose, kid. Might be a good idea to bounce.

[ Maki Itoh ] What you say? I do not speak fucking idiot, okay?

Ruby just glares at her.

[ Ruby Soho ] Die, then.

Ruby walks away, shaking her head.

[ Ruby Soho ] Fucking joshi, man.

She takes a turn toward the exit and her eyes are immediately drawn to Justin Credible lying on the floor. His "Got Blood?" t-shirt is apt as there's blood everywhere around him. He's as dead as his career post-2001... and standing only a few feet away from him, the person in the Scream mask.

The mask from Scream.

Ruby stops in her tracks... before realizing that the masked man doesn't see her. Instead, he's watching Bryan Danielson celebrate with the SGW Triple Crown World Heavyweight Championship. He's mesmerized by what's happening right in front of him, fully immersed in the glory of the final world title match in SGW history. While he's distracted, Ruby removes her phone from her pocket and hits speed dial before pressing the phone to her ear.

[ Ruby Soho ] Um, Chavo... he's here in the catering area, near the rear exit.

Hearing her voice, the killer turns and sees her, but instead of coming at her with the knife... he speaks, his voice altered by a voice changer. Despite the alteration, the killer sounds down and out... sad, even.

[ The Slasher ] It's so beautiful... I know now--

A crowd begins to form behind the killer, thanks to Ruby's phone call. Chavo, Billy Gunn, Arn Anderson, Brock Anderson, Alex Shelley, Vince Russo, Beer Money, Steve Austin, The Imperfect 10s, the Usos, Cabana, Pillman, Killer Kross who is still suffering from the Mummy's Curse, Jimmy Havoc, Oedo Tai, the Top Gaijins, Cathy Kelley, V.I.X.E.N., the Tokyo Joshi Rangers, Christina Von Eerie, Alexa Bliss, Nikki Cross, Dragon Kid, Becky Lynch, James Ellsworth, Triple Tails, even Aubrey, Chioda, Rick Knox, and Paul Turner! Everyone is here!

A lot of them have weapons.

[ The Slasher ] I know now why she loved this business so much.

Everyone surrounding him looks confused.

[ The Slasher ] I can't do this anymore.

With no fanfare, he removes the mask.

[ The Slasher ] This killing spree is over.

Everyone gasps.

The angry mob parts and Tony Schiavone emerges, a devastated look on his face.

[ Tony Schiavone ] Daniel Dae-Kim? How could you do something like this?

Steve Austin pushes Tony aside.

[ Steve Austin ] It don't fuckin' matter why he did it, dumbass! He's killed fifteen people tonight and it's about time he got some justice served right up his ass, just like ol' Stone Cold likes it!

[ Preston Vance ] I don't think that came out exactly how you meant it to, but the message is pretty clear... and I agree with it. The Imperfect 10s want justice, too!

The head of an axe lands on the concrete floor, making everyone turn and look at Jimmy Havoc, who is still in his gear and hasn't bothered to uncover the couple of his limbs still covered in Mummy's Curse.

[ Jimmy Havoc ] Calm down, cunts. The two of ya' have been in SGW for less than a minute 'n now you're demandin' vengeance? This isn't your vengeance. It's ours 'n I aim t' be the one who deals it out.

[ Ruby Soho ] How about we don't murder him with an axe, and call the police instead? If we cut his head off, whether he deserves it or not, we're just as bad as him.

[ Rick Knox ] How about you shut the hell up, woman!

Ruby nods, hoisting her bag up on her shoulder.

[ Ruby Soho ] Sounds good.

She walks through the crowd and heads toward the exit.

[ Ruby Soho ] See you guys at the next one.

She throws up a peace sign.

[ Ruby Soho ] Or better yet, let's not.

Seconds later, she's gone.

[ James Storm ] Now that the liberal pussy is gone, let's kill this sumbitch!

[ Arn Anderson ] I brought my glock for just such an occasion!

[ Christina Von Eerie ] Dude, you brought a glock to a wrestling show?

[ Alex Shelley ] He brought a glock to a wrestling show with a MURDERER present!

[ Christina Von Eerie ] He didn't know that at the time!

[ Brock Anderson ] Leave my dad alone!

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Everyone calm down!

[ Mummy Cursed Killer Kross ] How about you calm down, Chavo!

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] WHY ARE YOU STILL WEARING TOILET PAPER!?

[ Mummy Cursed Killer Kross ] I DON'T KNOW, OKAY!?

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] I did it for her!

Everyone falls silent.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] ...because you took her away from me.

He holds the knife up, looking at it.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] It might have been GWF World Champion Dave Batista that murdered her with his drugs... but it was Tom Cruise and Solid Gold Wrestling that stole her from me first.

He looks around at everyone surrounding him and sneers.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] It wasn't enough to just kill Dave Batista, which I did... I had to hurt Solid Gold Wrestling... but how do you hurt something that already died at the hands of the Saudi government?

Scott Steiner and Nigel McGuinness join the crowd, as does Eddie Kingston.

[ Scott Steiner ] God dammit, I knew it was you, Jackie Chan!

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] YOU RACIST DICK!

He points at Steiner with the knife.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] God dammit, I wish I could've gotten close enough to your racist, misogynistic throat so that I could cut it until your steroid rotted head fell off!

[ Scott Steiner ] Whatever, asshole, but if you ain't Jackie Chan, I don't know who the fuck you are!

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] I'm the man who orchestrated this entire plan--

[ Vince Russo ] Usin' that sweet ass bank you made from Lost, no doubt. Respect.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] Seriously? You know I've done WAY more than Lost, right?

He walks right up to Russo and puts the blade to his throat. No one tries to stop him.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] I also did Hawaii Five-O!

[ Alexa Bliss ] You don't have the balls to cut off that pig's head.

[ Vince Russo ] Shut the fuck up, you little bitch!

There's silence as Daniel Dae-Kim stares Russo down.

[ Cathy Kelley ] Yeah, I thought you were supposed to be some kind of bad ass murderer. You're just gonna not kill Vince Russo? You know he's the genius behind some of SGW's greatest moments, right? Like the Taz Memorial Show.

[ Mike Chioda ] And Tom Cruise as the world champion!

[ Nigel McGuinness ] The bloody Big Bad Booty Posse!

Russo turns and points at Nigel.

[ Vince Russo ] That's a god damn lie and you know it!

Arn Anderson steps up and all eyes fall upon him.

[ Arn Anderson ] Killin' this worthless son of a bitch would be like rippin' the doggone heart out of Solid Gold Wrestlin', kid. It'd be a real shame to see it happen.

Daniel Dae-Kim shuts his eyes tightly and then lowers the knife.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] Maybe. But that's not who I am anymore.

[ Colt Cabana ] Brother, you killed Justin Credible like ten minutes ago.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] That was the old Daniel Dae-Kim.

[ Colt Cabana ] Fair enough.

Daniel Dae-Kim walks back to the center of the mob and drops the knife.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] I thought killing all of you would make me feel better... but instead, each death made me feel emptier. And then I saw the majesty of Bryan Danielson and Eddie Kingston battling it out for the prestigious SGW Triple Crown World Championship... and I understood. All of this insanity that she exposed herself to suddenly made sense... and I realized that none of you deserved to die except Harry Smith, the former XWF World Heavyweight Champion.

[ Pepe ] .. . .. . . ....

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] You're right, Pepe. He DID kind of have it coming.

Chavo then thinks and realizes something.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] One question, though... what happened to Randy Orton? His house was ransacked and all that was left was a bad quality photo of Fat Barbara. Did... did you kill him, too?

Daniel Dae-Kim shakes his head.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] No. The house was empty when I got there. I must have dropped the photo by accident.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] Interesting.

[ Shawn Spears ] So, where do we go from here?

[ Eddie Kingston ] Yeah, we doin' some justice on this guy or what?

Chavo shakes his head.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] I don't even care anymore.

[ Colt Cabana ] Are you serious? He literally killed like fifteen people.

Cabana points behind Chavo.

[ Colt Cabana ] Justin Credible's dead body is right there.

[ Steve Austin ] I need a damn drink.

The mob suddenly parts and Bryan Danielson walks into the circle with the SGW Triple Crown World Championship over his shoulder. Still in his gear, he walks right up to Chavo and shakes his head with disgust.

[ Bryan Danielson ] Fuck you, Chavo.

Chavo looks bamboozled.

[ Chavo Guerrero, Jr. ] WHY!?

Danielson doesn't even respond as he turns to address Daniel Dae-Kim.

[ Bryan Danielson ] You liked that match, huh?

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] It was the best I've ever seen.

Danielson approaches Daniel Dae-Kim and awkwardly hugs him.

[ Bryan Danielson ] For what you've done tonight, I forgive you.

He releases the hug and raises Daniel Dae-Kim's wrist as though he's won a match.

[ Bryan Danielson ] I forgive this man!

Danielson walks away, and one by one the crowd disperses. Moments later, there's no one left by Colt Cabana, Daniel Dae-Kim, and the dead body of Justin Credible. Cabana looks around at his surroundings, confused.

[ Colt Cabana ] Seriously, no one's gonna call the cops?

Cabana wipes the sweat from his brow as he calls out to Chavo.

[ Colt Cabana ] Chavo, brother! He killed Tommy Dreamer at the height of his career! He was in the best shape of his life, am I right? Peak physical condition and WHAMMO, dead! Not even a courtesy call to 911?

He stands there for a moment with his hands on his hips.

[ Colt Cabana ] Welp, I tried.

Seconds later, Daniel Dae-Kim is alone. The camera follows him as he walks to the exit door and pushes it open. The cool night air greets his face. Once he's outside the Staples Center, he discards the black robe, leaving him clad in black dress pants and a skin tight black t-shirt. He nods as a smile begins to form on his face.

[ Daniel Dae-Kim ] Professional wrestling, huh. You knew what you were doing all along, babe.

RAWWWWWWWRRRR! Daniel Dae-Kim is tackled to the pavement by Jinder Mahal's tiger, which quickly goes to work, ripping at his throat and tearing off his head, exposing his entire spinal column in the process. The sound of flesh ripping and tearing can be heard clearly as the animal growls and feasts, merging Daniel Dae-Kim with Veer's remains in its stomach. Suddenly, the smell of strawberry shortcake hits our nostrils and we catch Gangrel hitting a vape out of the corner of our eye.

[ Gangrel ] Heh. Tigers are cool.

Close enough to the scene to smell the blood and gore, Gangrel looks down and sees a photograph that flew from Daniel Dae-Kim's pocket upon the attack. Gangrel hits his vape again and picks up the photo. He lowers his sunglasses and admires the photo.

[ Gangrel ] That's one for the spank bank. Heh-heh-heh.

Gangrel wanders off into the night and the camera slowly pans away from the carnage until we see a black limousine near the entrance to the Staples Center parking area. The rear window is rolled down and we see three familiar faces peering out.

[ Christian ] Dude, is that a tiger eating Jackie Chan?

[ Edge ] Don't be racist, man. That's obviously Dr. Ken.

[ Jeff Jarrett ] Driver, get us the hell outta' here.

The window begins to roll up.

[ Jeff Jarrett ] This is why the hell we don't bring SGW back.

Without another word, they drive off into the distance. The camera follows them a great distance down the highway until they pass a rickety church. The limousine vanishes from our view as the camera focuses on the church. Zooming in slowly, it enters through one of the shattered stained glass windows. We see a man on his knees at the altar, clutching something in both hands...

In front of him, on the floor, we see the SGW Television Championship.

We can't see what Daniels is holding. We just hear his voice.

[ Christopher Daniels ] It's taken a lot to get here... a deal with the devil, a pact with a crossroads demon... I-... I even tried to summon Krampus, but it's been you all along that's had my back--

The camera zooms in on the shriveled little hand in Daniels' grip.

[ Christopher Daniels ] --my precious monkey's paw!

The monkey's paw is balled up into a tiny fist with the exception of the index finger.

[ Christopher Daniels ] With your power, I brought back SGW for SGW KILLS! With your power, I defeated Dragon Kid for this shiny new belt! And now, for my third and final wish...

He presses the monkey's paw to his forehead.

[ Christopher Daniels ] ...one... more... show!

He looks down at the monkey's paw and the final finger curls into the fist.

[ Christopher Daniels ] Hell yes! SGW Saves Christmas, here comes the Fallen Angel!

Suddenly, the monkey's middle finger raises, flipping Daniels off and revealing that his wish will not be granted.

[ Christopher Daniels ] HEY! COME ON!

He shakes his head, annoyed.

[ Christopher Daniels ] Okay, fine... FINE! Stupid monkey's paw!

He takes a deep breath.

[ Christopher Daniels ] For my final wish... I want you to make me recognized as a true LEGEND, not just in Solid Gold Wrestling, but in the sport as a whole! The kind of LEGEND that can't be denied! A bigger LEGEND than the stupid Honky Tonk Man or Sid Vicious or... or even JEFF JARRETT!

The finger starts to curl but Daniels speaks again, causing it to stop.

[ Christopher Daniels ] And I don't just want that LEGEND status! I want a party to celebrate my LEGEND status, monkey's paw! And I'm talkin' a real RAGER! I wanna get FUCKED UP! I wanna get TORE UP FROM THE FLOOR UP, JUST LIKE THE KIDS ON THE STREET SAY! I wanna be destroyed! Do you understand what I'm saying?! I want people to remember the LEGEND of Christopher Daniels FOREVER!

The finger curls, granting the wish.

[ ??? ] Daniels.

Daniels slowly turns around, looking confused.

[ Christopher Daniels ] Who said my name? Is that-- ...Randy?

Daniels stands up, eyebrow raised.

[ Christopher Daniels ] What the hell are you doing here?

Randy Orton steps into the moonlight wearing a Michael Myers-esque jumpsuit and holding an axe. He stares a hole through Daniels. Daniels reaches down and picks up the SGW Television Championship.

[ Randy Orton ] I'm here for your party... legend.

Daniels takes a step back and trips, falling with his back against the altar. He raises the title up in front of him like a shield, a look of genuine fear on his face. Randy Orton takes a step forward and raises the axe.

[ Christopher Daniels ] NO, RANDY! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO--